Oh Colleen

Today I woke up and went for one of my morning walks and reflected.

Here I am in Woodstock alone, taking this course and it happens to be the "hardest" year and I happen to be the "saddest" girl day to day. It's getting better. I'm not so sick I can't make it to class anymore because that was close. Yet, I'm the damn happiest I've ever been. It's hard do not get me wrong, but each day I get through it I feel stronger' mentally emotionally and physically

It's like every time a challenge comes my way it's not simply the pain, no! There's always going to be more and more it doesn't just stop. I lost weight because I was so sick, I turned it around. I'm in another weird spot with a personal someone in my life where I can't help but question what the F am I doing? This is the third time the person has just disappeared, who do you think I am? I love people and I will wait knowing it's worth it but maybe just let me know. NOPE. SILENCE. For a girl with anxiety/abandonment issues this is one the worst feelings in the world; everyone knows yet we all do it to each other it's sad and it needs to stop.

1 of the biggest motivators behind what I do is love. For my friends, I do this- "Colleen please don't tell anyone but..."and sit there and listen to my friends struggle or even repeat the same thing they've done over and over, time and time again because they matter. My friends stories and their words matter to me, I never EVER want them thinking no one is there for them, as it's just about the worst feeling in a world that can already be so cold and lonely. I suffer with depression, I get how bad the feelings can be.

Just yesterday I came home from class and I fell apart. There's a death in the family, I miss my close friends and I felt really alone. I felt like giving up. My heart hurt and has for some time due to various reasons, nothing to do with my past relationships, thank god. More current relationships both familial and personal but thankfully my Heidi girl called and just talked to me. I'm so tired Of feeling hurt I just want to throw in the towel.

THEN TO make it rain : Let's have your program director email you about withdrawing because maybe you need to focus on your health. Fair.
But my heart hurts half the time because of things I cannot control or because of conscious choices I made that I have to come to terms with. And as I sat staring at this email it reminded me of Laurier asking me to drop out but I never told anyone. I told my classmates and they LOST it! "What do you mean you might withdraw? This is your program. P did that to two students last year don't let her do it to you..." and I'm not. Knock me down and I'll get back up 10 times stronger just give me a cry or 4.

I've never had someone call me a "high achiever," but I am determined as hell. These obstacles are not meant to break us, there's nothing we cannot handle it's just how we choose to right? I mean they'll either make you or break you and I'm not about to be broken.

I'm moving forward. I'm going to be doing my placement and I will get what I need from this course and go on to implement holistic knowledge to my slate and really provide some youth with the resources and support they need.
Where am I doing my placement you might ask?!? I'm doing my intrusive this year, I want the challenge and the ceaseless intensity that comes from these environments when you're in there doing your job. It's like a drug. Everyone wants to find the next best thing or something to make it all go away and when you do, when your client trusts you or asks for your approval (rememberig I work with the almighty youth who like myself once thought I had it all figured out) it's just.....TOUCHDOWN! BILLY GOT THROUGH THE HOUR!!!!!!!
Crisis: it's crisis. Self harm, I have a very high risk of being harmed especially with the youth I'll be working with coming up. The stories you hear are wild. One girl threw a man supervisor over the escarpment... he's alive but this is going to be intense. 
Remember the name 
That's my inspiration currently. I need to remember my name. I am a Rennie. My mom battled cancer and alcoholism while my dad has built his life starting from the age of 18 without his father- I couldn't even fathom. I've got a triple diagnosis and I've beat all odds thrown my way. Determination is in my blood. I have caught myself up after excruciating hours and I'm here to remind you and maybe mysel one day: remember why you started, there's meaning and purpose behind everything and each day I'm more surprised by how much more I'm learning.

Love,
Dorothy