It is weird hearing yourself. You can tell I am so nervous at the beginning because I start with "everything I'm about to say is coming right out of my head..." (no kidding) I play it from time to time when I need a reminder of how far I've come and not let the demons of doubt get the best of me. I automatically chuckle too whenever I hear myself talk about dropping math,"PFFTTTTTTT NOPE! NO THANKS! NOT GOING THERE!"
It's hard, always, to listen or share the not so great experiences of my story. Those are the images that are buried deep inside that have to come out, but when is a whole other time and place. Particularly when I was younger and knew better but was told I didn't. Yet, I quickly move past that realizing that it has shaped me and made me into who I am today. I will still, to this day, stand up to my father when it comes to the amount of alcohol being consumed by him or guests at our house when I am not there and Mom is alone.
You don't wave that shit around like it's not a life threatening sentence, we get it. She understands every morning she wakes up. Man she is one hell of a strong woman.
It has brought us so much closer too,it is beautiful. Ironically this weekend I have been asked twice about my "level of alcoholism," in other words the stereotype because I do not look like your average alcoholic who depended on it and sure! I didn't wake up and crave it, nope! I liked my breakfast and coffee and I was active. I partied like a rock star though, and it was the patterns and behaviours associated with my drinking that made it unhealthy. I think taking your life twice under the influence is a good enough reason to maybe stop. Or when you start to realize that it's not just drinking alcohol but the addition of drugs, which we don't recognize doesn't come to halt. There's always that one "exception" but not for me. And I'm blessed for that.
I met a "friend" last week for dinner and the entire time he ordered beer after beer, got sloppy and creepy and by the end said he was going to call his dealer and get cocaine. This was a Thursday night...Ah, Thursdays. They were a wild time. But you still had to wake up Friday and some days you had class or work and you consistently missed it. Or you realize your emotions are more out of control than weeks or months prior but rather than stop drinking we'd go Friday Saturday and feel like death by Sunday.
How people still do it is beyond me. I don't say that judgementally I am just so exhausted a lot of the time the idea now of getting ready, buying alcohol, pre drinking, partying till the wee hours, then recovering from that is just a nightmare.
My best friend has quit drinking (along with her boyfriend) and so we are experiencing things together and because she is in her first year she experiences a lot of what I did and it's neat to be able to talk about-- you need to. The pain is crippling because we're not numbing it. But once you get the perspectives...you just return back to life.
You need to find that peace within yourself before you can move on and find peace elsewhere. Just last week I was falsely accused by someone who, in just in May would have jumped in front of a train for me, then basically told me to f off. Heartbreaks and disappointments won't stop, but you have the power to stop allowing them to hurt you.
YOU have the power to realize you are a unique, smart, kind and beautiful person before others told you so. You will change the world, especially yours when you can change your thoughts into making each experience a meaningful opportunity and lesson to learn as cliche as that sounds its the only way to survive. It's the only way to seek and find real happiness. Happiness cannot be earned or travelled to..it's living in the moment. Experiencing life for what it is and navigating through the "as if this is happening right now," and consciously turning it into "feel the fear and do it anyway"
Some mistakes are worth making. Like drinking yourself into oblivion and being able to say or feel that "wow i haven't had a sip of alcohol in over 800 days..." its a cool feeling.
Everything that flipped upside down this past year happened for a reason and tis the season to be A SCORPIO! Abundance, new possibilities, new beginnings, quarter of a century lived, continuing to pursue my passions and even more so being in second year. Winters are cold, but I am going to be on fire.
Nothing is in my way that I haven't given power or energy to. I am surrounded by love and my Grandma recently said to me "Colleen anything you choose to be successful at you will attain because you are determined." And my Nana happened to be known for this particular determined trait and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't in my genetics as well "when do you take time for you?"
ALL THE TIME! Maybe I don't have to in the conventional way, I am not conventional. I never have been. For goodness sakes look where I live right now (I love it hahahaha!) I know few people on a similar journey as myself my age in my social group and that's as it should be, because once they were coming to me to party they are now coming to me for advice. That is way more meaningful and purposeful in my eyes.
To think I was mean in highschool...
I didn't work this hard to allow other's mistakes bring me down. I have seen the number 4, 44, 444 everywhere lately and I am constantly feeling this feeling of "something good is coming your way, you just have no idea what to expect," but it's my time.
Happy Sunday friends! Remember you matter, one day at a time, and I love you
Dorothy
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