Intentions...

What are intentions?
In the world of spirituality, our spirit, the one we all have, you set intentions. Like the intent to sell, but you're hopefully not looking to sell drugs as a goal or intention.

1. Listen more, talk less. That is a career goal of mine. I often feel I have so much to say that I can say too much and I find I am not listening suddenly. Like hit me with your problem and let me go through my register of outcomes and deliver them all to you-- no no it's ok Colleen. Just listen.

2. Let IT BE: Letting go is hard. I am focusing on just letting things be. For example, any relationships in my life that feel out of balanced, if I have tried and nothing has been reciprocated- LET IT GO DARN NABBIT! It's this little devil inside of me thats like NO YOU CANNOT IGNORE ME I MUST KNOW THINGS! Which is cool if they do not want to share because sometimes people do  have the right and privacy to their own stuff, just like I do. Though, I like to talk about my stuff on a public forum for myself and the relativity of others, some people would rather stay silent. (Ya you) 

It's not even that- just let me know. Commmunicate- hey i'm not going to be speaking to you or anyone likely for a few days (especially if they're close- just sayin') its respectful and mature. Take care of you for sure! Please just don't disappear.

3. Be even more adventurous - the higher I go, the more I see, the more I am grateful and its beautiful and natural. And best part is I've yet to get out of Ontario in a while, imagine what that will look like? I get excited about the Pittock Dam in Woodstock....

4. Meet like minded friends and keep them. I have a good round up right now to be honest, as I have noticed that my friends come in and out of my life to teach me lessons. It's not about not liking me or not having interest in me,  but we likely do have different interests now. However, each and every one of them have taught me something about them and myself that I can utilize going forward. Now its about finding those people who I can share my time with in a comfortable, happy, go girl atmosphere. 

5. Meet up with Michael Landsberg finally and get something going for Woodstock's Community. We have been emailing again and yesterday he said we might have a duel of who is more passionate about "what we are passionate about" Landsberg versus Rennie. Never saw the day, but I like it. I am working it. I could not be told one more time or advised that I am meant for the public eye and not because I am pretty or need attention, but because I can grab peoples attention and get them focused on what I am saying. I resonate with people. I engage with them even if they know nothing about me. Something about my "presence" and I am owning it. ( I used to go to my exes christmas party dinners and every year I was told how when I walked in people just stopped and heads turned- call me cocky, whatever, it's not about me looking good as it was being compared to Jackie O- JFK's Wife- It's grace it's not "oo check me out" I like class, that's power but not one I take advantage of...yet) 

6. Implement Grace everywhere I go 

7. Speak 10 times in 2017 at LEAST (had to throw that in there) 

8. Self love- I love myself but I want to love myself. I want to take a picture and not say things like "oh man my skin! or my hair line!" JUST QUIT IT! I AM LUCKY AND GRATEFUL I HAVE AND AM WHO I AM! (YELLING AT MYSELF)

9. Continue volunteering while doing my placement, as I know that both my experiences have led to amazing outcomes and I cannot help but melt when my students ask where I am! "I NEED HELP IN MATH!" (wrong girl, but hey! I'll take it) 

SCORPIO NEW MOON !!!

TIS THE SEASON TO SET INTENTIONS! LALALALLA LA LA LA!

Knowing more about your sign and your astrology pays off huge. Super glad I made that investment, as I can tell why I am feeling certain things due to certain influences. It is just so cool. 

Did you know that celebrities and lawyers use astrologists to book court dates? Photoshoots? Nuts eh. Anyways, I let other people do the work because I am not forcing anyone to see what I have been so very lucky to observe and experience. It is all within me. I am turning 25 this year so maybe that has something to do with it too..I am just wise (hehe) 

To my SCORPIOS! Here is our lookahead and my favourite astrology answers horoscope reading

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):

Today’s new moon will fuel your passion for something that a while ago did not interest you in the slightest. It may be just a passing fad or it may be the start of a brand new chapter but get on with it and don’t let anyone distract you.

This could be one of the best times of your entire year, Scorpio, with the New Moon in your first house. It’s a great time to reinvent an area of your life, turbo charge it with all of the energy that you have right now. This is the time of year to get real about what you want. The more authentic you are with the New Moon in Scorpio, the more miracles await. So create intentions today that go well beyond today, and into the year ahead. What are your New Moon wishes, Scorpio?

I NEED TO SAY

Haha Zach galifanakas or whatever in the Hangover

I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING and I do because I was just reminded of how grateful I am to know so many people with beautiful children in their lives or soon to be moms.

Without a shadow of a doubt I always think about when I found out but up until recently,  my pregnancy is more important in a beautiful way, and something I'm genuinely grateful and thankful I got to experience. I think about that baby more than I do both my exes combined (including Troy)

I remember one of the first times I hung out with him and he asked me what my "biggest and darkest secret was," and this had just happened so I was sitting there on the corner or truth or I don't  know so I went with the truth. It didnt bother him expect some times he would say that I already lost that moment with someone..... no I did not, I called my ex, the father, in a panic and hung up hahaha!

But I got pregnant

I had a living being in myself and that is precious. I think about him everyday. Yes, him. I have been told I will never truly "forget" this period of my life so how can I make it enjoyable? I did my research and I spoke to people and without saying anything they told me about my baby... my son. I've never told anyone that nor have I said that on this blog post.

I had a son. For thereaputic reasons and reasons I won't get into, I named him St.Nick- he kinda chose  that name but I'll keep it.
I remember my mom telling me when I was born she said to my grandma and even my dad "thIs is my baby and no one else's," and that's now how I feel about St. nick.

Chris had 0 to do with my child except he happened to be the guy who I was dating and got me pregnant but he was in Halifax remember? He had a really important school presentation on the day of my procedure. I remember calling him and he asked to call me back hahhha ya sure no problem I'll be here! And I was. I still am but not for him for me.

 How can you go your whole life not feeling responsible for a child? His problem.

Maybe I will have kids again one day, but since then my ex boyfriends family had 4 pregnancies and they were all boys. My best friends children are boys..and maybe one day I will have a boy or a girl! But till then I get to gravel in baby love and go home to a quiet home.

Thank you universe
Thank yah listenerss

This was vulnerability at its finest

Love,
Dorothy

Choice

I have lots going on. But this class, these kids- they KNOW when I am not there and they wonder and "worry". Consistency with kids is key.

I had my one little guy come up to me and say MS RENNIE I NEED YOU IN MATH (never thought I'd see the day simply cause of the subject choice)
Are you here forever now?
Why weren't you here last Friday?
The other kids running up to me and hugging me simply to follow suit cause I know I have never met them but I'm all for it.
The kids ares supposed to ask for hugs. -agency rules- these kids need hugs I'm going yo hug them and when the teacher leaves I do tell them they know they can hug me because I advocate for them. Not the teachers and frankly we could all use a hug or two. These kids haven't seen me in weeks they all want to run and jump it's the best.

It rebooted my energy for my program. Reminded me I can still do it all.

When I was younger I would mark my friends pretend tests and now I'm marking my one classes- there are times I have to look in the super smart kids book to double check. Win some ya lose some. I just love being apart of it. The kids quickly adapt and understand my role and because I'm back in school learning even more I notice even more. That is cool to apply. I just do it in my head and write it down. Almost as if I was doing my placement again in an elementary school but I'm going intrusive 

Intrusive is as it sounds. It's intrusive and intense. Child and family services, crisis, shelters, foster parents, crown ward.... so how do you convince these kids you're not just in it for the money, that we actually care and want to be there that will be my challenge.. without showing them a. we don't make much and b. we are paying to be here right now hahahaha! 

The important part for me is I'm doing it. I almost, almost gave in. Almost dropped the ball. 

Made some emails and got my shit together. Unlike Laurier I know I can do this work. 

 I did this duty to report phone call- in case of abuse or neglect- I got perfect. And I'm not sitting here being like yay my marks are super awesome as this year the work load is such I'm just trying to remain above a 60 to pass. Perfectionism will not get me this semester. As my friend Megan re-iterated to me the other day "coco you have a damn degree..." and plus your marks don't matter it's what you do in the field or in the moment that counts. 

Keep on keepin on...

Love Dorothy 

Might as well give them something to talk about it

theyre gonna say what they wanna say anyway MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THEM SOMETHING MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT!

Music these days can be hit and miss but I'm finding some lyrically relativity in it all.

I had a post of mine observed by a party involved and naturally that person wanted answers. Surprisingly someone I never thought I would get along with but hey! The world is a funny place. I once used to joke about us ever being amicable, unless the circumstances were what they are- and it happened exactly how I always imagined it...and no I cannot go int detail it's just AHA life. It was kind of nice. Finally have someone concrete these feelings of mine that people are only starting to realize about another individual.



Listen to your gut can I say say it anymore times? I saved myself. You can too

Live yOur life the way you want to. Don't settle. Might as well make it something to talk about


It's fun! Regardless of who thinks it's important- you go on to your next piece and let the audience be the judge. You're the creator. Keep creating. Your important and that's what matters


Know when enough is enough.
Know when it's ok to let down the guard but don't be naive.


Caught that today. Naively knew it going into it I'm not blaming anyone. Walked out like...
....that's a wrap.


Love yourself

Be kind

And be genuine


Love
Dorothy

You get what you give

And I gave.

I woke up at 5:30 this am after a long evening trying to complete an online midterm, as I had an interview at 9:30 am in Waterloo. Naturally, technology be as it may it tapped out on me--for the second time-- thankfully it was a system failure so I didn't have to prove my dog ate my computer or something.
You just never know if they're going believe you especially with a midterm.

Anyways,
I got up. Searched for eye of the tiger for about 10 minutes and realized "I have to work out if I'm going to be able to sit and talk in this interview." So I set up my one empty room and just worked. It. Out. I was dancing and laughing by the end it was awesome

Then I got to Waterloo early had an hour interview, which I think went really well simply because I felt authentic and i felt they felt that too. So many people can bull their answers but I suck at that. I even admitted I need to learn when to talk and when not to talk in discussion hahah!
Then I got back and filled out my 10 legislative pieces of information on a chart and sat in class for hours writing logs.

.....I thought that was it. I had it. It was 4.

So I came home and had a bath. Meditated. (Quite easily today I mght add) and put my Jammie's on! Another friend of mine whose midterm was not working claimed hers STILL wasn't working so I went on thinking "ah it'll like me sign me out." YA RIGHT COLLEEN THIS TIME IT WORKS

Verbatim- "it's go time b!tch" (it's Colleen positive talk) I HAD NO CHOICE. YOU CANT QUIT.

And I had to write about it because once again I just surpassed my own expectations in ability. That could sound simple to some I don't care it was a war for me and my sleepy self...

BUT IM SO PROUD!


And now I have a long weekend (as of tomorrow)

Guess what I'm doing?

A presentation on Anxiety Disorder
2 reflections on observed material (movie and guest speaker)
Case study
Professional article assignment
Direct method writing



You get it

Happy happy weekend all!
Love,
Dorothy xoxoxo

Please Understand

"It's just hitting me now I'm sober"

Thanks to an amazing group member of AA I have the first and only time I spoke, voluntarily, recorded. Contrary to most talks, which are about 45 to an hour,  it is 22 minutes long.

It is weird hearing yourself. You can tell I am so nervous at the beginning because I start with "everything I'm about to say is coming right out of my head..." (no kidding) I play it from time to time when I need a reminder of how far I've come and not let the demons of doubt get the best of me. I automatically chuckle too whenever I hear myself talk about dropping math,"PFFTTTTTTT NOPE! NO THANKS! NOT GOING THERE!"

It's hard, always, to listen or share the not so great experiences of my story. Those are the images that are buried deep inside that have to come out, but when is a whole other time and place. Particularly when I was younger and knew better but was told I didn't. Yet, I quickly move past that realizing that it has shaped me and made me into who I am today. I will still, to this day, stand up to my father when it comes to the amount of alcohol being consumed by him or guests at our house when I am not there and Mom is alone.

You don't wave that shit around like it's not a life threatening sentence, we get it. She understands every morning she wakes up. Man she is one hell of a strong woman.

It has brought us so much closer too,it is beautiful. Ironically this weekend I have been asked twice about my "level of alcoholism," in other words the stereotype because I do not look like your average alcoholic who depended on it and sure! I didn't wake up and crave it, nope! I liked my breakfast and coffee and I was active. I partied like a rock star though, and it was the patterns and behaviours associated with my drinking that made it unhealthy. I think taking your life twice under the influence is a good enough reason to maybe stop. Or when you start to realize that it's not just drinking alcohol but the addition of drugs, which we don't recognize doesn't come to halt. There's always that one "exception" but not for me. And I'm blessed for that.

I met a "friend" last week for dinner and the entire time he ordered beer after beer, got sloppy and creepy and by the end said he was going to call his dealer and get cocaine. This was a Thursday night...Ah, Thursdays. They were a wild time. But you still had to wake up Friday and some days you had class or work and you consistently missed it. Or  you realize your emotions are more out of control than weeks or months prior but rather than stop drinking we'd go Friday Saturday and feel like death by Sunday.

How people still do it is beyond me. I don't say that judgementally I am just so exhausted a lot of the time the idea now of getting ready, buying alcohol, pre drinking, partying till the wee hours, then recovering from that is just a nightmare.

My best friend has quit drinking (along with her boyfriend)  and so we are experiencing things together and because she is in her first year she experiences a lot of what I did and it's neat to be able to talk about-- you need to. The pain is crippling because we're not numbing it. But once you get the perspectives...you just return back to life.

You need to find that peace within yourself before you can move on and find peace elsewhere. Just last week I was falsely accused by someone who, in just in May would have jumped in front of a train for me, then basically told me to f off. Heartbreaks and disappointments won't stop, but you have the power to stop allowing them to hurt you.


YOU have the power to realize you are a unique, smart, kind and beautiful person before others told you so. You will change the world, especially yours when you can change your thoughts into making each experience a meaningful opportunity and lesson to learn as cliche as that sounds its the only way to survive. It's the only way to seek and find real happiness. Happiness cannot be earned or travelled to..it's living in the moment. Experiencing life for what it is and navigating through the "as if this is happening right now," and consciously turning it into "feel the fear and do it anyway"

Some mistakes are worth making. Like drinking yourself into oblivion and being able to say or feel that "wow i haven't had a sip of alcohol in over 800 days..." its a cool feeling.

Everything that flipped upside down this past year happened for a reason and tis the season to be A SCORPIO! Abundance, new possibilities, new beginnings, quarter of a century lived, continuing to pursue my passions and even more so being in second year. Winters are cold, but I am going to be on fire.

Nothing is in my way that I haven't given power or energy to. I am surrounded by love and my Grandma recently said to me "Colleen anything you choose to be successful at you will attain because you are determined." And my Nana happened to be known for this particular determined trait and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't in my genetics as well "when do you take time for you?"
ALL THE TIME! Maybe I don't have to in the conventional way, I am not conventional. I never have been. For goodness sakes look where I live right now (I love it hahahaha!) I know few people on a similar journey as myself my age in my social group and that's as it should be, because once they were coming to me to party they are now coming to me for advice. That is way more meaningful and purposeful in my eyes.

To think I was mean in highschool...

I didn't work this hard to allow other's mistakes bring me down. I have seen the number 4, 44, 444 everywhere lately and I am constantly feeling this feeling of "something good is coming your way, you just have no idea what to expect," but it's my time.

Happy Sunday friends! Remember you matter, one day at a time, and I love you
Dorothy

The saddest poem I ever did write

And the first.
In class I've been watching all these videos about particular clients and diagnoses and a lot of them to turn to poems ... so I tried.

I'm not looking to be published but I bet there are individuals who can resonate with these words and their particular feelings

"The pain stems, raging from my stomach to my heart
Like a child was sitting on top of me but crushing me from the inside
I can barely breathe or move- just holding in a gaping breath
afraid if I let go I'll cry and not just cry
I'll cry so hard so my tears will leave stains on the table cloth

And who will love me then?

My eyes are are half shut as I'd rather just not look
I'd rather not feel, think or even say too much
Paralyzed in persistent fear of abandonment
I try and I try and I find myself here again

So who will love me then?

 Dorothy Colleen Rennie "


Don't worry.  Theyre just words


This too shall pass
Dorothy xx

Oh Colleen

Today I woke up and went for one of my morning walks and reflected.

Here I am in Woodstock alone, taking this course and it happens to be the "hardest" year and I happen to be the "saddest" girl day to day. It's getting better. I'm not so sick I can't make it to class anymore because that was close. Yet, I'm the damn happiest I've ever been. It's hard do not get me wrong, but each day I get through it I feel stronger' mentally emotionally and physically

It's like every time a challenge comes my way it's not simply the pain, no! There's always going to be more and more it doesn't just stop. I lost weight because I was so sick, I turned it around. I'm in another weird spot with a personal someone in my life where I can't help but question what the F am I doing? This is the third time the person has just disappeared, who do you think I am? I love people and I will wait knowing it's worth it but maybe just let me know. NOPE. SILENCE. For a girl with anxiety/abandonment issues this is one the worst feelings in the world; everyone knows yet we all do it to each other it's sad and it needs to stop.

1 of the biggest motivators behind what I do is love. For my friends, I do this- "Colleen please don't tell anyone but..."and sit there and listen to my friends struggle or even repeat the same thing they've done over and over, time and time again because they matter. My friends stories and their words matter to me, I never EVER want them thinking no one is there for them, as it's just about the worst feeling in a world that can already be so cold and lonely. I suffer with depression, I get how bad the feelings can be.

Just yesterday I came home from class and I fell apart. There's a death in the family, I miss my close friends and I felt really alone. I felt like giving up. My heart hurt and has for some time due to various reasons, nothing to do with my past relationships, thank god. More current relationships both familial and personal but thankfully my Heidi girl called and just talked to me. I'm so tired Of feeling hurt I just want to throw in the towel.

THEN TO make it rain : Let's have your program director email you about withdrawing because maybe you need to focus on your health. Fair.
But my heart hurts half the time because of things I cannot control or because of conscious choices I made that I have to come to terms with. And as I sat staring at this email it reminded me of Laurier asking me to drop out but I never told anyone. I told my classmates and they LOST it! "What do you mean you might withdraw? This is your program. P did that to two students last year don't let her do it to you..." and I'm not. Knock me down and I'll get back up 10 times stronger just give me a cry or 4.

I've never had someone call me a "high achiever," but I am determined as hell. These obstacles are not meant to break us, there's nothing we cannot handle it's just how we choose to right? I mean they'll either make you or break you and I'm not about to be broken.

I'm moving forward. I'm going to be doing my placement and I will get what I need from this course and go on to implement holistic knowledge to my slate and really provide some youth with the resources and support they need.
Where am I doing my placement you might ask?!? I'm doing my intrusive this year, I want the challenge and the ceaseless intensity that comes from these environments when you're in there doing your job. It's like a drug. Everyone wants to find the next best thing or something to make it all go away and when you do, when your client trusts you or asks for your approval (rememberig I work with the almighty youth who like myself once thought I had it all figured out) it's just.....TOUCHDOWN! BILLY GOT THROUGH THE HOUR!!!!!!!
Crisis: it's crisis. Self harm, I have a very high risk of being harmed especially with the youth I'll be working with coming up. The stories you hear are wild. One girl threw a man supervisor over the escarpment... he's alive but this is going to be intense. 
Remember the name 
That's my inspiration currently. I need to remember my name. I am a Rennie. My mom battled cancer and alcoholism while my dad has built his life starting from the age of 18 without his father- I couldn't even fathom. I've got a triple diagnosis and I've beat all odds thrown my way. Determination is in my blood. I have caught myself up after excruciating hours and I'm here to remind you and maybe mysel one day: remember why you started, there's meaning and purpose behind everything and each day I'm more surprised by how much more I'm learning.

Love,
Dorothy

THIS WEEK

I will go into this week full throttle. I left so much behind this weekend, and I'm waking up realizing the difference between myself and others is I refuse to settle in my career or relationships. I don't like structure and I'm in a structured program that's all theory this semester and it's sincerely yanking on my "do I continue" chains but I will.

I have my "back up" plan which I rally think is he plan I will take to the next level in 2017.
I listened to my astrological reading yesterday and when I was born it was right before a full moon and because of my ascending moons or something I'm a triple threat Scorpio. How bad ass is that?

She said I was here to change something (weird....) and my determination will not back down. even if I'm burnt out (awareness)

Scorpio, Taurus, Libra and Gemini (YIKES) that's wicked! For me. It's too bad oeople don't pay more attention to this stuff, it's insanely accurate and on point.

Mind you, I am now the definition of unconventional so I get that maybe I'm the only one fascinated in funding things about myself in creating something bigger than myself through unverisal law and spiritually, which is fundamental and universal within us all (I'm just getting you guys started on these spirit chats) Time to expand the mind body and soul.

Working out and talking isn't enough nor is just medication. You have to go deep and watch the unbearable explode in your face to the the point where you're just like THANKS FOR COMING OUT SEE YA NEVER! TRY SOME NEW STUFF LIKE EMOTION CODE! It's almost like amnesia, just forget about it.

I'm determined to set this world on a path of sustainability in coping mechanisms. Whether I come to you or you come to me, we 'all see. Maybe I'll build something from scratch or perhaps it's out there waiting for me. Maybe it's on a stage and I get to use that voice everyone tells me is engaging. I just want to give back. I want to serve. I want to be apart of the difference and I have to be patient.

I also want to travel so ... combine it all AND


To be continued....
Have a beautiful evening all

Xoxox
LISTEN TO YOUR DREAMS

Shift in perspective

sobriety tip 101:

Your first year is a whole lot of emotional expenditures to say the least and in reflection with my mother tonight I came to beautiful new resolution

Freedom or loneliness

I used to say loneliness
Then tame
But now I call it freedom. One day I won't be able to enjoy time spent alone... feeling and seeing signs left left right and center.

Today i discovered a new side of myself and I think it's because I'm finally letting things go- releasing.
I'm so used to being recycled as a unpaid, unqualified ,but could be qualified therapist that I'm finally saying FORGET YOU GUYS! I get it, it's cool you forget me as well but Im going to use these tools for myself.
Retain maintain and sustain my personal emotional energy.

Lots of time spent alone.
Going through another "I need to be a lone" with someone close and I've fully surrendered this time- I'm not doing sh!t where before I would panic and self internalize. Do you. I've done so much for those I love and "love" me back it's insane! Enough is enough. You can come to me when you've figured out you.

I can't save everyone and I can't wait for everyone to figure out their bull shit. I'm too emotionally mature sometimes hahaha I don't care if that's bratty or braggy- it's complex not complicated.


"So plant your own gardens and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers"
"And you, you scare people because you are whole yourself."


Yes.
I've had to become whole whether I wanted to or not. 1 woman team. I've got my mates but they can only play beside me.

Happy full moon!

Ps. I want to say thank you for reading this. I am forever grateful you take the time, whoever you may  be

That's the coolest part
(Disney imagination: my Prince Charming is reading this somewhere, AND I DONT EVEN KNOW or modern day stalker NOT)



Dorothy

"Trouble with Evan"

For school we were asked to watch this documentary, Trouble With Evan- it was filmed in 1994 and speaks to the neglect and abuse we face by our very own loved ones; parents, caregivers, especially step fathers...

Evan was diagnosed with conduct disorder which was then considered the "rebellion" kid. He got in a lot of trouble at school, though he was classified academically as genius.
One thing I'm recognizing is that male and female parents often cannot stand watching their kids do well, especially if it's not according to their plan. But don't stop. They'll knock you down anyway they can to control that.

How can I say that?!?!  WELL beyond what I have studied, I know one kid in my life who is an absolute genius. He's nice, athlete, has a great job, always been on top on his finances and he's my age. He now lives in the states and makes more than any of my friends combined. He's humble as hell however. His father yells at this kid like he knows nothing it blows my mind away- even during the movie with Leo and all the drugs; his dad turns to him and yells you better not fucking end up like this so he left the theatre.... like LET GO ALREADY

What a surprise the geniuses and conduct disorder. I guarantee you the person who has the brain that could cure people and make serious social change is locked up behind bars because rather than treating the client they are treating the behaviour.

Anyways, this documentary I just found out was allegedly banned for years prior to us being able to look at it for class and this doesn't shock me at all. I knew this course would be heavy, especially in terms of material but that video was like watching my own fucked up house hold explode. Hearing the residents speak of what they wish their parents would say to them instead of nothing or annihilating their integrity more. It baffles me. If you have thick skin take a peek but I doubt you'll want to watch the entirety


Why do we think this is ok? To yell and hurt our kids with our words and piercing scream? Because our or your parents did it and therefore it's the only way we know how? That was a good excuse when we didn't have ultimate access to the world and resources. It's about as old as Dr Benjamin Spock and his theories. I call bull stuff on that now.

If you love your child you love them unconditionally. You're tough on them knowing one day they'll thank you and not turn aroun questioning why you were even born. You accept them for their everything because guess what? YOU made that call. Everything they become you have influenced and oddly directed so make sure it's hella inspiring.

One day when I have kids it will be a blissful time. No parent is perfect but we have to play the hell out of the cards we've been dealt. I will make an amazing mother and the father to my children will be one hell of a man.

Yikes. I just made a huge standard.

Ya. You have to meet my father qualifications because if I have a daughter so help me spirits if she thinks she didn't get enough love from her dad or wasn't enough for the only man who is obligated by sheer selflessness to devote and love every part of her. Even the most uncivil of pieces or arguments. I want my son to be respectful and he will be raised with love not anger. Boys need as much love as girls. 

Until then I have to get through the nitty gritty and somehow still find hope and meaning through all of this tragic material.

Or I become an energy healer and go around the world doing it and speaking about it or something that would be neat. After all this is all about emotional energy anyhow.

My presence with kids is so special right now though I can't just take off...
One day.

Till then

Xo
Dorothy

What is Going On

Nothing has changed.
Not true, there has been change but in the world of mental health, legislation, and on an individual basis; what's changing? Still only G8 country without a national suicide strategy

Lots of awesome new start ups and I understand that with every start up or any group raising awareness you need funding and I naturally we are lacking funding.
Has no one been touched by mental illness? Addiction? Suicide? Or are we Canadians too tuned into the Hilary and Trump debate to care about our fellow sufferes who need our help and have for some time now. I'm not here to blame anyone. I'm hear to rant about the fact that nothing is being said to these students. And nothing is being done. These are our future, your daughter or son, nephew or niece.
Who is going out there and speaking to them about what they are feeling and maybe why? Normalize this.

I picked up my school news paper this week and page 4 reads "Possible Ontario wide strategy to be implemented to the growing number of mental health cases on campus."
I was that case
I am that case

Depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation has all increased and of course there are not enough counsellors as there are students. So, if you're lucky to get an appointment (to no fault of the institutions own) you're gonna have to wait about a month or two. Good luck!

This funding seemingly should help fund a strategy that would help aid schools in the growing accommodations.

We already know by 2020 almost the entirety of society will have or be in risk of developing a mentnsl illness so why are we just throwing money at it? So other people can come up with the ideas that are all already out there? NO

We need action. We need someone to go in there and say look I've been exactly where you are and it's likely one of the loneliest and scariest places you never knew existed, but I'll tell you something- you're still you and youre sure as hell not alone.

I'm not going to even get into what the solutions are like treatment because that's long term. Short term remember who you are. The fear of the unknown, just wanting to feel accepted, or the pressure to perform because of your parental control ; it's not worth your life.

When we are feeling this out of place, this sad and worried, it's almost impossible to narrow down why one is feeling this way. But go through the list of things in your life and whatever it out of place needs to be your plan of attack first and that might be terrifying, but feel the fear and do it anyway.


I have so much I wish I could share with these students and not because I think I'm high almight but because I know from personal experience to this day so much of the thoughts cycling in that brain and not knowing or having the tools or resources to heal or find relief in more natural ways and not annihilating your body with alcohol. And I say that to those of you who know your binge drinking likely because you have no idea what's going on in your life right now you're just trying to "roll with it"- I don't say that harshly. No matter what age you are sometimes we still don't know what the heck we want out of life so we just take a leap of faith and it ends us up here..

You can see this as a challenge or a door of opportunity to overcome what you once thought was unbearable and see for yourself just how strong you truly are. No matter what that might take form as or look like..
I stopped drinking and graduated so I could move on to what I really wanted in life. What's your plan?

What is love?

Lately I've found myself in circles of friends with many comanalities, but the not so shocking one (anymore  at least) is the abuse or neglect each of us faced as children. Yes, our teenage years were no better but we somehow, likely through unhealthy methods, coped.

As children we know no better than we what we see, hear, are told- -we are a product of our social environments; just trying to find ourselves in elementary school on the playground or middle school, "who do I want to be," as by high school there is some set expectation of knowing who you are and what you're capable of.

I get it. My parents celebrated their 34th anniversary last weekend, which means my mom was around my age by the time she knew my dad was the one. But I still look at her like "what?...but..how....didn't you want to .." and I remind myself that was the norm. My grandma was married by my age. Sweet eh?

Not really when you know deep down that whatever their experience of love is will not and cannot be mine because it looks like a nightmare, no offence. I'm not saying love or relationships should be easy, as that's just ludacris but my personal experiences have can be summed up like "two ships sailing in the night,"; or when I had an emotion code read, which reads your emotional muscle testing that works to alleviate issues that are from the past or present that are causing blockages in your system. This can rage from stress to trauma in our lives
Where emotional energies are stored, and low and behold I had some held on experiences from when I wasn't even born yet. That's energy for you. Hereditary

Get this: both from my fathers side, failure and love unrecieved. My dads dad passed at the age of 50 and I remember when my mom was sick with cancer she felt a presumably similar feeling of shame of thinking she was letting us down. Not in the slightest.

I love my grandma with everyone bone in my body but I know how hard my dad works and when I ask her who my grandfather reminds her of most she says my dad and his devotion to work. That's life and that was his reality and my grandmothers, as even when he passed she fled and left the kids with a close family friend Montreal. I often can feel that fear of being unloved when I am with her because I just want to give her my mental and emotional love, yet I can tell she try's pushing it with money thinking that's love. That's how they used to do things too, fix soemthing with a beautiful materialistic, tangible item of love. So I remind her I love her and make sure she repeats it to me.



So what is love? While I'm not Exsctly sure yet I have come to the conclusion that love wins when it's actions speak louder than words. When it is an inspired form of giving love, that type of love breathes life into the heart and brings grace to the soul...
Love is unconditional 
I'm thankful I am beginning to learn for myself what love is and what it is not, as it's truly the most powerful force out there 
But I had to learn to love myself first because at the end of the day no one can do it for me. 



Happy long weekend 
Love 
Dorothy 
Xoxo 

Adele

The epitome of Adele 

Energy

We are energy 

We are surrounded by energy 

When people talk about your spirit -the physical body simply being a structure that embodies the spirit. 

We have 6 energy centres in our body. Some people refer to these as chakras, evolving from the Hindu culture, it's unbelievable. 

What is? How you can learn to understand your mind body and spirit by becoming in tune and aware of yourself. Talk about self healing- if you have the willingness and receptivity to learn this knowledges you'll never look back. 

How can you when you know that, for example, a woman who was in a very bad car crash, wrecked her back and joints. medical doctor has tried and tried and maybe made some slight change, but in 1 hour a professional in Bancroft fixed years worth of pain and agony? I'm not speaking about myself anymore, as I've had the pleasure of witnessing these miracles time and time again. 

We as humans either love to wait till things get bad or we ignore it till it's too late; heart stopped, cancer progressed, she couldn't handle the demons anymore and took her life. "She had enough" 

I get it. I really do. I've been there time and time again but the one thing that keeps me coming back is recognizing my personal power and energy. When my heart hurts, yes I suffer with depression and am sensitive but why is it hurting this much? What have I done or not done? 

I didn't know I could suppress emotions without alcohol but I did it through school and helping everyone around me that I forgot about myself. I say that a lot but I really did. I forgot about myself. 

I forgot that I needed to feed myself real food and just because I was tired does t mean I can't hop in my car and do something about it. Fine the courage to overcome the despair of whatever I'm feeling and do something. I forgot that my heart matters hurt as much as those  hurt me and continue with me poke the bear 

I live alone now and I love it. Last week I was really sick both mentally and physically. I had convinced my head of thoughts and ideas that literally drove me to the point of thinking "shit what if I pass out, whose going to call 911?" 

I was puking non stop being triggered and triggered and I'll be honest- my FRIENDS sending me messages and photos of my ex and his new girlfriend and how much they're rubbing it in my face---if they really knew they would know I have him on none of my media because I know better now, I told him to let his girlfriend enjoy what I was had the pleasure of enjoying because I've moved on. I don't n need to rub my happiness in like that but that's not my stuff anymore 

Yes. He did a really shitty thing by making it  blatantly obvious of his respect for me by throwing in my face he and his new girlfriend went to our apartment for sex. Nothing else. That's cool. 

But that's HIM NOT ME. I look at that and say I'm better off. He knows that that has the potential to hurt me and it did. Is that my problem or his ignorance? 

I'll let you decide 

It's not all his fault you see as I have the pow r and control that let whatever it is bother me. Even last night my best friend from Chicago asked me again if he's seeing this girl? Your guess is as best as mine I don't seek out him or her, I've h Wes enough "basic" comments to care. 

I made a dent in that families life I wish the next girl luck. I cared for their nephews like you  wouldn't believe. All of them. He ruined that, not them. 

Then I went to grail and got smacked in the face with my own reality again: this is my life in this moment right now and my energy is being utilized on people and things that do me no good. Literally don't care... 

I even called him pleading for help but realized it was my ego. I don't ono I was down 10 lbs and not sure of what t do anymore. ITS A PICTURE! It's a facade. I do the same things with my dog. I'm growing. I get that chance. That's the only reason I still talk about it because it's brought up in my life, it's not in my life. So throw it out. 

The things that used to matter to me don't so much. My ego is removed as I challenged my fear and doubt. You're only hurting yourself. 

I have so much to offer this world and that's why I'm going to do. I want to do and create something bigger than myself. 

I know I'm on the right path and I have the right tools. The men of fire are only in my life for a lesson and don't stay long- sorry aries🙏🏼

My relationship won't come of out a state of neediness but a state of love and compassion- companionship. I will live my life and they will live theirs and we get to happily meet in the middle at the end of the day. Our values and philosophies will be similar but different but the one thing  that we will agree on is our love for each other and whatever comes in our way. 

I have a lot to conquer and the knowledge I have, especially from this experience is going to make a world of a difference for myself and those around me. I've finally found that itch in me to begin my first book. 

So thank you, TBP, you have now inspired me to write a novel. I'm tired of people thinking what you did was good enough and that we, girls like myself who have been hurt over and over, the girl you promised you'd never hurt like the rest of them, deserve the shit end of the stick. It's pathetic and everyone has the right to know they deserve better. 

Heal yourself, use your inner power and honour that. 

My energy fields were being dragged out in all the wrong areas. My head hurt and my stomach hurt constantly. Why? Because I wasn't having ANY of my needs met and I ignored whatever was trying to tell me you better take care of yourself of you're going to fall flat on your face. 

And I did. 

I'll be honest the recovery time for this fall was really just an ego boost orchestrated by ones lack of care, maturity and overall competence. 

Stability and security. I have that now. More importantly I have people in my life who challenge me, who make m want to become something bigger and better than myself. They encourage me to take the risks I never would have dreamed of, and that's because I'm without a distraction #freedom