You Don't Have to Move Fast....

I got to the stop sign just at Bartlett avenue and King Street in Beamsville, and I instantly broke down knowing that what was up that slight hill, just at the end of that road is my home. My home that was once filled with 4 dogs. But ...My home doesn't feel the same. I'm sure it will again, but for the time being there is a void everywhere I turn.

The moment I got the gates my hand was trembling trying to punch in our code, and when my dogs ran out it was so noticeable that there were only 3, no longer 4 because you were not in the pack big boy. Most people would think that having 3 is just as great and it is. But I chose that precious being and in a way it gives me comfort knowing I chose him to live with us on our farm. Yet, it comes down to the simple things. Each one was picky with the exception of Dante. He was the perfect dog. I remember at the vets office he would go in like a good boy and just automatically stand on the weighing machine and it would blow nurses away because most dogs could hardly go into the place let alone walk in like the same old routine.

Dante, we miss you with every fiber of our being and as mom says, maybe we were being too selfish, but we, I,  really wanted you around for another 6-8-10 more years. It seems so unfair at 4. But like everything else that has happened in my life thus far, there's a reason you left us. Of course I'd love to know why on earth, of all the dogs in all the land, why you? It's a rhetorical grieving question. We knew you were in pain, but unfortunately it broke our hearts...

I tried telling peaches last night and I think there is a part of her that is recognizing you're gone. When she runs downstairs, you've yet to greet her or vice versa. She loved kissing her brother in the AM. Or everyone's favourite-- two dogs on a log.

I know that I am slowly, slowly accepting what is. I am healing. I know I had to go home and really see it to believe it. And still I have so many moments where you come into my head and into my thoughts and I cannot help but sit there and try and deflect them knowing I'm hurting myself in a way; there is still a tiny part of me that refuses to accept you're gone. I will...
and in the mean time  I will stop "looking for an explanation, a loophole, a bright twist in the dark tale that reverses your story's course." Because the truth is, it won't reverse.

I have to learn and really acknowledge that you're up in the sky with the big guy and that's ok.

I wish you knew how much I missed you. It hurt's so much and I mask it. I mask it because I think people will think I'm silly or ridiculous, yet majority of those I encounter are nothing but empathetic and sorry. So here I am. Telling the world. It's ok.

I will never stop loving you, Dante. Never, ever. Even if there's a fire......

Love,
Me xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox