Take the wheel

Sometimes the hardest thing you have to do is forgive or grieve someone whose still here. 

I have been trying to remember my dreams lately, and I woke up this morning to terror. 

This is hard to disclose because it's vulnerable and it hasn't happened in a long time: 

I dreamt of when a good time to take my life was. The entire dream I was just waiting for the right moment....I don't have those thoughts or feelings today just in my dreams...still scary. 

I'm hurting and there are people in my life who don't seem to understand how much this is pulling on me. But it's out of my control. 

I feel alone. I feel abandoned. 

I have this apartment in Waterloo that still has my stuff in it and my ex decides to give me a heads up he's using it this weekend and I left my laundry there. 

But don't come leave it for the weekend. I just want my clothes. 

I just want my life to feel more hole again. 

I know 1 person right now that would go to the ends of the earth for me and that person I'm forever grateful for (Heidi) 

This post is for those who feel like j do. 

I'm here to say I'm not going anywhere but my heart feels pain. A lot of pain. 

The sad but good part is, I'm used to it being lleft to repair what's left. Because lord knows I'm not worthy of anything more right? Not from Chris. Not from Troy.  Release. Let go. 

I'm used to picking up the broken glass while no one watches...that's what makes me strong. 

One day at a time, right? 

I hope they read this one day and know the hurt they caused. Because ultimately it's one decision: be kind. 

Stay strong

Find literature 

Find your friends 

Call them. 

Don't do this alone. 

Know I love you 

Dorothy