I was so clouded with worry and fear.
I kept listening to voices, none of which were my own, but those surrounding me, which I then internalized. It felt so unfamiliar because I've worked so hard at being mindful and not letting things get to me to easily. I was consumed with my feelings being hurt, the anger, the confusion I got lost in recognizing that NONE of those get me anywhere; if anything I was reproducing and re-associating my feelings with past people and events and my goodness does it feel good to say that I DONT OWN ANY OF THAT TODAY!
I had to feel it to release it: almost, kinda, sorta see it to believe it. And the best part: I coped. I coped like a champion and I'm damn proud. I love that I don't look to alcohol. I accept my feelings and let them flow. I don't try and bury my face or distract myself any longer and better, I've realized my worth in standing up for myself. I don't mean argumentavitively, but I won't let someone tell me I can't get my laundry when I have the same right to. Just give a girl her underwear and work out clothes, will ya? Got it.
I will fight for my health and to heal, I owe that to myself. It's not gonna be easy, what is? But I want to live this life.
I was so scared HAH! I just blasted my rap "FckWithMeYouKnowIGotit" and found my courage. Courage to live my life, pretty sure that's not illegal!
"Silence is a source of strength," which is my current mantra.
I need to just shut my mouth. I know. I'm sure many are like FINALLY SHE GETS IT, but it's not for you. Don't get excited! But truly, I always think after is it really going to do anything? No. The truth doesn't matter to this person because we don't see eye to eye, so why would our values principles or beliefs match?!
Plus, grace and gratitude is the way to be. But I love to crack a good joke here and there :)
I did pilates this evening after 2, 3 hour classes, one of which I made a very non significant, yet memorable, quote for my teacher in understanding child abuse and neglect. It's like history, as I get to see all the historical perspectives but too, the rights for children globally are just....not good. Go Canada though! Anyways, it brings me meaning. We've been warned and directed to seek therapy both in our school or outside with our courses this year, especially for those of us who have triggers (hello!)
Oh the days where I'd would just be bawling my eyes out in the Laurier library reading about the holocaust... RIP
So what's the big difference? Well, a lot, but personally, I no longer see it as "well compare it to my life and it's easy," I mean I do but I am lookin purely and solely objectively. That's why I'm there and yes, what I went through I'm learning is not great but I'm so grateful. I think it takes a certain individual to want to willing go and work with these awesome youth and their families.
I feel so much better, friends.
I was having bad dreams but that wasn't reality. That's all it took, was a snap that that dream of mine "waiting for the right moment" was not reality.
I'm surrounded by love.
I'm so proud of my choices and accomplishments and how I've made it through yet again another ex relationship game and life shit storm!
My identity is intact. Dorothy Colleen McNeil Rennie is back on track, ladies and gentlemen...!
(No jinx!!!!)
It's not what you say to anyone, it's not about what they say about you because you know they're going to say something bull shitty. It's what you tell yourself. Your true and honourable personal power. You might have to go real deep, like somewhere that's not ideal alone or not telling people in advance- you might get so physically sick you could pass out on your bathroom floor eels! Just my experience- just be smart my friends.
We don't need to do this alone, I'm just testing the boundaries.
Not anymore I have way too much support not to!
Just wanted to share happy things!
Love you all!
Love,
Dorothy
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