Fight back day 5

These are out of order but whatever. 

This is for today -Friday September 23, 2016. 

Emotions are not facts. so feel them but don't define yourself by them. They change. They move. They transform. Hang in there.

Boy oh boy was yesterday a day full of tears. Like the uncontrollable kind I sat there and even said there's nothing in my mind but they were just flowing...my hearts been broken a few times and this time I feel it more than ever before. Maybe because there was no warning it was just shut out and shut off- and j thought breaking up over the phone was bad, now I understand the women who say their ex just didn't say anything. I never understood that! But now I do. It's ok. Everything happens for a reason no matter how painful or messed up it seems, I'm over being sad for myself I'm just sad. I'm tired of people coming into my life and making these false, not even promises, but ideas in my head that they'll be in my life and they disappear. 

They're so close and then complete strangers. I think it's only natural we feel so hard. We spend so much time working we forget to live and breathe...

Just keep loving. It's what I'm good at. I'm not closing my doors. I've just put massive walls up again and I have that right. I don't need anything or anyone right now. Love is awesome because I love love! I want to laugh and have fun but it's not something I need. 

I am noticing that I'm just living the life of a single 24 year old girl. My program is so mentally and emotionally consuming that naturally that doesn't help. 

For example: name 3 personal traumatic experiences and explain why, who should you stay away from? 

I list them. 

Name 3 personal experiences of child abuse or neglect indirectly or directly. 

....directly..... I  Write them down. 

Oh and your friend doesn't want to talk to you. Shake my head "explain why"

It's that easy.  

But what's wicked is that I'm making progress with school and can ignore the heart. 

Music is my best friend and consoles me. 

OH I FOUND OUT MY "Chinese symbol" is a panda and ironically I sleep with this panda blanket and have this massive Panda pillow that I hug when "I need a hug," I'm very self sufficient- I FOLLOW MY GUT LIKE A BOSS.

So much is happening around me that is still so beautiful and good. Mentally and physically I may not be my best but I've blogged more, tried harder, I make meals for myself, I dance in my zen den, I'm getting my work done, I'm calling my parents, I've been to more meetings on these past few Sunday's then all of shimmer which is amazing. 

Again, intuitively I knew I'd need those memories and lessons of selfless love in my memory bank. 

Remember you're loved and worthy of love. 

Nothing in this world is too tough for us not to overcome. History proves that whether you believe it or not there was some form of fight and survival 

I wrote this angry the other day: maybe some will resonate will these feelings... They're just thoughts. 

But I am enough. You're enough. 

Love , 

Dorothy 

So