People are confusing. We are not good with communicating with each other when it's important, or at least men in my life aren't. (Sorry guys!) you are great.
I've gone through hell physically and back. All the love bubbles being thrown around and then retracted, thrown out and UH NO! Gotcha! Kidding. This isn't happening.
I would tell you, but I honestly can't haha it hasn't happened since I was maybe 3 and I'm not exaggerating. It sucks. It can be funny for a minute but it is the worst feeling and all the emotion that goes with it is exhausting. I hate being this ill for mental emotional stress so I'm not doing it. Or I'm trying as you can see, I surrender, I'm fighting for my life.
THROW YOUR HANDS UP! I had so many conversations with myself yesterday about letting go and releasing, I have no choice. That's life.
In other news, It's amazing ever since Sunday I don't think twice about T. Don't even want to say his name I just don't care for that energy it's so impure.
"Hope you are well," no you don't so just shut your mouth and stop already. No one goes to your old apartment to "move things out" only to leave your entire bedding which includes sheets, duvets pillow, pillow covers and there's not a piece of furniture in there. I bet you had some great conversations!!!!
I told a third party this story and pretended it wasn't me and even they agreed the disrespect is so obvious, but in their eyes it means they're not actually happy. If you feel that need to rub your new life in people's faces that's cool, but are you happy? It's sad because I don't even fish for this information. People call me- they go out of their way- to tell me things like "yo he has a snap of them eating ice cream, he doesn't even look the same as when he was with you" and the best line yet sorry, "she looks like she drinks all day" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHSHAHA
IM ONLY LAUGHING CAUSE I KNOW WHAT THAT COULD DO TO A GIRL! And our looks... Yikes. I haven't taken the time nor do I want to to go out of my way and find these pictures or see them. I have the exact same ones from a few months ago. Literally.
There's one where my friend made a collage and it's true- the way he looks at me compared to her- HUGE. She'll get it. My family and I were everything to that kid. I'm sure she is wonderful though.
It's nice but I don't have time for fakes, so "here's your document" (didn't realize I was in a divorce) I don't need to say anything, silence is a strength. WHEN NECESSSARY.
Leaving people you love in silence or ignoring them is never ok. It happens all the time but I won't stand for it, sorry.
I've come to realize I need emotional availability. Crazy right?
But seriously. Enough of this "you'll be ok" "I'm sorry to hear that" BE LIKE MY BEST FRIENDS OR BETTER.
Last week I forgot the importance of keeping my mind on the right track so I printed out my inspirational quotes and have them all around so I am never left "alone" with my thoughts. They are wicked.
I picture people shit talking me in the worst ways and how I feel like I'm laughed at by the people I used to love...but that's my head. Is that reality? Maybe but I don't know so why sit there and believe it.
My program reminds me that I have SERIOUS purpose.
Let me give you an example of the individuals I work with and their reality.
One young girl brought into this work by her 2 parents.
Mom decides 5 years into it she doesn't want to be a mother and deserts the child and dad. But not before she has a son of course.
So there's Dad, Daughter, son.
Dad needs another woman and remarries.
Son sexually assaults daughter
Dad beats the living crap out of the son
Gets sentenced to 2 years, wherein the daughter was receiving treatment. At 12.
Dad gets out of jail, daughters out of treatment at 14-15, there's more kids at home- 2 step daughters.
Dad sexually assualts 15 year old daughter, the one he protected before.
What happens?
Step mom kicks his daughter out of the house and chooses to try and help her husband, with 2 young daughters at home.
That poor girl. That's who I want to come in contact with and ignite their world on fire, demonstrate you don't need your so called "family," as family is who you choose it to be. DNA is cool but that doesn't stick either.
I get that people are sick. But there are people out there who have no bloody excuse for their behaviour and it makes me so angry. Why? Why the fuck do you have to be like that?
You've gotta know that's the shittiest worst case scenario that's going to break that girl apart. SO WHY GO THERE? For her own happiness. The step moms.
Just when I thought I had lost MY trust in males I'm slapped with perspective of just how immoral or unjust this world can be. How these people we call parents or loved ones are supposed to protect us but they are the most vulnerable to our hearts breaking. BUT I CANT LET IT RUN ME.
I can't let these events whether directly or indirectly affect my view of the world, the system (for now) career or result in compassion fatigue, which is burning out from suffering too much empathy as workers and the detailed realities of our clients and ultimately, developing PTSD or a form of it through vacations trauma.
You can give up or keep fighting.
I'm determined to keep fighting. I have moments of despair like any good solider but it's all about what you make it.
I can sit in bad and feel sorry for myself but I've done that before and that gets me no where faster.
To Sabaina and Heidi: thank you. Thank you for your endless love and support in my life and through these times. Even when I haven't wanted to be heard, be seen, explain, you've worked with me and I can't thank you enough.
I was once gifted a blanket. It's a panda with the date January 27 2014 "you in the presence of King scratch that you in the presence of a god" Jay Z. I went to that concert and that was the date. Most importantly, that's my moms birthday and the day my dog died this year.
That song is called crown and when I think of the crown I think of the chakra, divine love, connected to the wisdom of the universe, trust my intuition, cherish my spirit, open to letting go of attachments, my life is moving with grace ...there's meaning in everything.
That's a whole lot of goodness despite the cards I've been dealt.
"Fears your only God"
I'm not done
Love,
Dorothy
No comments:
Post a Comment