Compassion. Empathy. Wisdom (Knowledge). Understanding. Decency.
What a year it has been thus far, and it's only the 8th of January. I love the unexpected. When you want something you're not likely going to get in the way you planned and if you're open to it, it's pretty wild. Don't be naive about it, but go after whatever you want.
For example, what people think of my blog posting or social media posts, I'm sorry but I am the author. I appreciate that not everyone is going to like what I write and so long as I am not writing in a malicious fashion that destroys the reputation of another then what do I have to lose? I am trying to educate myself and who ever else is on the other side of this screen reading this the realities of life, living with a mental illness, throw a perspective here and there. Try and get others to see how far decency can go.
With that said, I recently had an individual message me, as they had a problem with being slightly referenced in a post, which is fair. Like any writer, debater, advocate, I welcome any one to talk to me if they don't like what they read or see, if they have suggestions, but that doesn't necessarily mean it will be changed. This story is an example of how far people will go to try and rip a part of you down, but as long as you remember who you are and what you are writing about/for, do not let their words hurt.
So this individual messages me and honestly, seriously calls me "Dorothy" and lets me know that their "best friends boyfriends will be contacting me about "slander," sorry, slander?" Ironically, we both almost went to law school but I followed my passion they are at a business firm. Why the potential slander? Because I wrote about some of the expressions used towards me one day in a totally unnecessary dialogue.
(Also, if you know me, well, what do my parents call me? Exactly. You don't even know my real name this is already starting out as a waste of our energy. I say this kindly)
"Sorry, slander?" I said..
"Just because I'm not in law school yet doesn't mean I'm dumb," I kindly reminded them that I never insinuated such cruelty, nor would I. I proceeded to remind them what slander was and that I had not come close to ruining the reputation of a 25 year old female from the outskirts of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, sorry. That is me being honest, I write but not with a following or intention of getting under peoples skin unless they don't believe in my views on mental illness/health.
Anyways, I am not that powerful and I wanted nothing more to do with the conversation so I said see ya and haven't heard from them since, that was just before Christmas. I understand that it is maybe unsettling, but we have a choice. Every day. What we say, who we say it to and all of it impacts you one way or another. Karma is real. She is a b!tch.
Or this person I tried getting to Grail Springs who once said "I'm not here to fix your life, I'm here to add to it..," WHOA! I NEVER SAID FIX ME! Look where we are we now? Those are not my problems. Those are people's perceptions that I think are my problem, and I'm dusting that off. (story is explained further down)
I find myself caring less more and more about people who I used to put energy into because it finally hit me I was filling their cup, but I got 0 in return. Holy burn out. And I keep doing this!!! Guilty as charged. It's true when they say that having a big heart is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I wish I had better spidey senses in knowing when to walk away, but I'm learning. Educating myself!
I'm not sitting here saying I'm all the wonderful, as I have friends who treat me like I want to be treated, how I treat them and its amazing! I was throwing my knowledge, my words, my assistance, my empathy, my compassion, my sleep, my journey to the waist side trying to help people that frankly didn't want the help, but more importantly did not appreciate, respect the help given. I know, I know, not everyone is going to, not everyone wants to be saved, I have heard the whole thing.
And guess what? As I've said all along, the only one that can save you is you. Yes, we need support systems, but it's our soul, our spirit that is in our body. If he didn't want it, I had to learn to say alright! All you. Back to my time or I'll fall too. It's hard.
But, make YOUR time count, stop listening to people who make you or whatever you like, believe in, jam to feel less than. I don't care who it is, especially your boyfriend, girl get out of that sh!t, I'm telling you you'll thank your pain later. It's miserable feeling like a worse version of yourself and not knowing if you're snap out of the feeling or not, not sure when you'll experience that familiar feeling of what you know to be joy (not an outsiders perception).
However, when this happens I have a beautiful place to retreat to; YEUP! Grail Springs. I was there for a week this time. Woah! I know. This is a place where releasing pain, hurt, emotion, grief is welcomed. It is safe. It is asked of, almost, to be your vulnerable self in order to allow yourself to heal. (GET THERE)
You read. Write. Eat. Explore. Adventure. Read. Learn. You come back feeling like a brand new soul. Literally.
Below are some of the situations I want to share that I feel are super relevant but not discussed, situations where I could have lost it and fallen apart, but I kept warrior-ing on. And thankfully to Grail was able to see in a higher perspective.
Like so many events in this life, this trip was unexpected, which for the record is a good thing. To a certain extent; you see I was booking this trip originally for a friend of mine who has been struggling ever since I met him. By struggling I mean, mental and emotional struggles, suicidal ideation and even an attempt within the months, or one that was strong enough it prompted me to leave Woodstock in the early am/3 for a suicide intervention.
That's ok. That's my purpose, to help the fellow sufferers. If there's one thing I will not give up on, it's human lives. Just don't let them take advantage of you.
I noticed that I was still attracting people into my life who had this vast understanding of the world around us and how it works, like paying your taxes, how one company benefits from another in Hong Kong, but when it came to anything emotionally intelligent-out the window. Like if I was sad because my 7th grade boyfriend broke my heart, where's the lesson or intervention there? I like to look at things from a myriad of perspectives, it's how we learn. I love depth, I love talking about so many different subjects so I naturally latch on to people who can share this conversation with me. Who doesn't love discussing the world and all the fascinating things within it?! Like space and galaxies? Neato gang!
I met my match. Well, IQ wise. There was rarely a time I could say something without getting a mini lecture as to how that is bad for me, like sugar, or why the parking people here or there are bunch of a holes, how the government is behind everything we do, how it's just a money sucking corporation fed by other corporations (you see where I'm going?) ALRIGHT. I'D TURN ON THE NEWS AND LISTEN ABOUT TRUMP IF I WANTED TO. So, I walked away.
I understand being in the negative. Yet, when someone asks what was the highlight of my day is, out of healthy measure, I don't go searching for the lowest of lights personally and on a worldwide scale. I am not judging either, I say this seriously: when you have a chance or opportunity to be positive use it!
This person was the one who introduced me to the notion that when all these shitty things are falling apart it is usually because something good is about to come. Or to focus on what I have versus what is wrong in my life. He also taught me to use my ego less and to just let it be. I'm super grateful for that, as it was hands down one of the best lessons learned in 2016. Ego is what you think you want or need versus what brings peace to all, like not "needing" a response because "you feel anxious," it's not about you, put super simply. In time this quickly dissolved.
I remember at one point I was trying to discuss how much those around him care like myself and that those times when you do threaten to such course, it truthfully impacts me, we need to take them seriously, we're human: "isn't this what you do?" "what?" "talk to people who want to kill themselves." "To a certain extent." "Then how is it any different, how am i different from your client?" There's a whole code of ethics and professionalism package I could go through with you, but that doesn't make me immune to feelings. Of course it impacts me. BUT DON'T MAKE THIS ABOUT ME.
Eventually the relationship was such that I had to walk away. It left me feeling really sad. Not because of the person, but this overwhelming feeling of "what the hell do I do?" I overthink, I take it personally, I forget that that's someones opinion, not fact.
I need to remember when I hear someones opinion about something that is so different than mine it's simply just their opinion it's not the truth and it doesn't have scientific evidence to back it up. It lacks understanding, accountability, empathy and is truly the lowest form of human knowledge. Empathy on the other hand, that takes experience and sacrifice to understand. Yet, it can pull on the old heart strings.
Another situation I muttered at Grail was one that I've been battling for about a year now. It only hit me when I was there it had been a year, which in a way was nice. It was finally that piece of information I needed to have to close the doors, which was losing my dog. Dante passing away. I don't think I got to properly grieve, as I was in MUC, my practicum and trying to battle my head and a relationship. It hit me everywhere I went. But I got some clarity this week that again, had I not taken the time to sit down and write and see a pattern, IT NEVER would have made sense. Not everything needs to, but if given the possibility to see a higher, more constructive perspective, you'd be crazy not to!
I was blown away by the nature of the event and the 20 day mark of which this all came to realization; I wrote a poem "If Only I knew I had 2O days," and ironically when I found out I was pregnant I "only had 20 days," and with that I took some peace knowing there was a lesson from this all. One I wont' get into, but just know I have found some.
In my work life I am pumped to be apart of the SickNotWeak team! BUT EVEN WITH THIS GIG I STILL HAVE THE LEAST UNDERSTANDING FAMILY MEMBER; and thats just the way it is. I had to accept that this person is not going to "join me" down this journey of "revolutionizing the mental health and education sectors," because they won't get it. For example, doesn't understand how I can go to a christmas house party with family friends where everyone is drinking, but the night before I couldn't go to a restaurant which was chill and had 5 strangers at most in it. Or how my 1 and only big cry he comes down the hall and says "Guys, can you keep it down you're scaring the dogs." hahahaha I have to laugh now, like of all things to say. I'm scaring the dogs...
"Ya, I'm fine too Pops! No worries!" Kidding. I'm responsible for myself.
This was a kicker, we're talking about medication and he says "well some might think because they take this medication they are weak or embarrassed...." I'm semi-fuming typing this solely because the organization I'm affiliated with directly is called SICKNOTWEAK. SICK, NOT WEAK. NO WEAKNESS. WEAKNESS AND MENTAL HEALTH DON'T GO TOGETHER. WELL WE MIGHT FEEL THAT, BUT IT'S NOT TRUE!
I just walked up to my room and lost it. I cried. I angry cried. I'm 25, it's been 10 years, and this guy still sits there saying things like "cant you just suck it up for 2 hours and join us?" Sure, let me just press pause.
Mentally and emotionally I can work this through, but when I work through it spiritually it's much more forgiving and loving. Which is why I am working so hard on it and believe so many others would benefit from it, again this is not religious it's energy work. Work that we don't see or hear of often in the West but is so common and remarkable in Eastern traditions.
I personally don't struggle as much, as I have come to notice that the conscious cannot speak to those who are unconscious or those who have "not awoken," and no I'm not talking to god or baby jesus, I'm talking who have not come to understand our world is a reflection of our thoughts and actions, those who don't believe in the science of miracles though it's been proven; the ones who don't understand how important the soul perspective is. In other words, who have no real perception other than books and math as to how the world works. The individuals who use solely the skills taught in a classroom, which today is not as bad, but still needs major change.
It's a series of continuing poor cultural traditions and habits that marginalize and segregate people of all ages, stages and phases. It takes away any magic or imagination.
The comments I hear all the time "Oh but you are so young, you have so much time." "At least you're figuring it out in your 20's and not waiting till your 50's" The latter is my favourite because I look at these people like "DO you really think I woke up one day and said 'today out I go with the status quo'" -why do we keep acting like we're so different?
We're women suffering the same emotions as a great deal of the silent population, but just like our brains our experiences are individual. I won't sit there and tell them every reason as to why I find myself seeking personal, mental, and spiritual growth, but I don't mind sharing a few stories from the young days that has filled the wisdom of this brain, and suddenly it's like "ya you're right, my daughter or my son, in university or just about to go off to university...the pressures, "their father," or "their mother,"
SO WHAT COLLEEN? GET SOMEWHERE. This is a call for education in compassion, wisdom, decency, the qualities we learn from childhood. The personalities and lessons we acquire while in school. I have accepted that previous generations aren't transitioning so well, but transformation for our future generations is necessary.
LETS BE KIND. EDUCATE OURSELVES! JOIN THE CONVERSATION
So I'll leave you with words that are not my own since I've supplied you with plenty and this woman knocked it out of the ball park yesterday (though in reference to Trump it has a huge lesson we can all benefit from)
Thank you, Meryl Streep.
"It kind of broke my heart when I saw it and I still can't get it out of my head because it wasn't in a movie, it was real life," Streep said. "This instinct to humiliate when it's modelled by someone in the public ... by someone powerful, it filters down into everyone's life because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same."
Streep added: "When the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose."
That's it for today. OH in news: I'll be speaking next weekend for my first gig of 2017! YAY!
LOVE DOROTHY xo
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