You know what I love? Diversity. I’m not
saying this to try and get crowned from Miss Universe from my bed, but because
I don’t see diversity anymore as solely uniqueness or “variety” (synonyms
really?) in people. I see it as a uniting entity through story telling and
sharing various insights that maybe we didn’t previously think of or even knew
existed. I hope to see diversity bring our world into oneness, where we are all
united together as beings of the human race and our animals and nature alike.
The polarity that exists right now is pretty nuts, but what’s more painful than
just the views and anger is the fear that is being instilled into individuals.
The kind of fear that holds them back from attaining their dream because they
are so involved with the outside world they’ve left behind their inside world.
The outside world says, “be this, do that,
then you’ll be happy.” The inside “world” says “be happy then do this and
that,’ which makes total sense if you think about it. It’s using your rational
brain to find peace before tackling your days over and over again. It’s waking
up and choosing to think of 5 amazing or thankful things you have in life and
THEN starting your day. Versus “shit its 8:00 I need to eat, work out, feed the
rabbit…” NO JUST TAKE CARE OF YOU FOR A SECOND. THE WORLD WILL BE OK. Isolate
the problem and figure out why you’re feeling like you have to tackle the world
with every waking moment. It’s not practical and you will eventually burn yourself
out. You’re just as important as all those things you want to do, and without
you they wouldn’t get done. You’re the magic. Remember that.
I hope to bring Oneness; the quality or
state of being one; apart of something or someone. You’re apart of our universe
just as much as I am and I’m honoured to have you here and humbled that you’re
going to read this. I have received so many messages and texts, emails,
instagram comments pertaining to my writing and how it relieves people’s
feelings/minds through identification and relation. This is why I started this
blog, as I know I am not the only one who feels what I feel. Granted, I have
found a courage and willingness to want to share that with people because it
matters. One day we will all be sharing like it’s going out of style
“Hey
Dorth, I can’t make it tonight my anxiety is making me feel ridiculous” “Oh no,
are you getting that physiological tension that’s basically debilitating?” “you
bet!” “No worries, I understand! I wouldn’t want you to force yourself to come
out feeling that way, take care of you first.”
Throughout my lengthy article I’ve been
debating posting for a while, I discuss my realities and experiences in dealing
with mental health/illness, not drinking alcohol, coping, and what patterns
I've noticed through observation or individual expression, chiefly emphasizing
and normalizing the restlessness that’s overwhelming many right now. Including myself, or I wouldn’t be able to accurately
write this. And this is a tip for everyone, just because we might not have gone
through the same events as someone does not mean we cannot empathize or connect
with the emotional aspects of the story.
Ultimately, I want to get one message
across:
You're not alone and
you will feel joy again. I love you and I thank you for continuing to be the
warrior you are and championing your battle.
The
seasons change and with that so do the course of the universe and our worlds.
Yet, when we are feeling so small, lonely, afraid, sad and/or guilty it is incredibly
difficult to understand that what we are experiencing is part of the “ebbs and
flow” of our illnesses. Our bodies are made of energy. We are energy and when
that energy is out of balance it can have a tendency to cause pandemonium in
our mental, physical, emotional and
spiritual (energetic), thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Now, our thoughts attitudes, feelings and
emotions govern our lives, our every day lives and how we go about them, how we
perceive events, how we manage with people. The way we think and feel will in
turn be our reality. As much as we like to think we can just cut people off and
forget the pain, we can’t; at least not if you plan on living an extraordinary
versus ordinary life. Why? Because this furthers an illness, creates an illness
or causes frustration that can lead to all sorts of scary consequences. Pain
demands to be felt, we need to release the emotional energy, by crying for
example!
When I was first dealing with my struggles,
I would find that talking to people about their problems, in any context
whether relationship, school, family, or feelings, helped. It made me feel
better to help someone feel better, but also to know that I wasn't the only one
hurting. Granted, at the time our experiences seemed different as I was well
aware I had depression , but not so much anxiety, I didn't get it. However, the
anxiety was the constant worry I had while at university and catastrophically
over analyzing every situation that came my way from getting out of bed to
What's for dinner. All of my decisions felt like they had massive consequences
and those feelings were real. I don't dismiss them, it was terrifying.
I would sit there crippled in fear knowing I
had to be in class but was so overwhelmed with thinking about how I wasn't
there because I didn't feel adequate; and because of that my life will likely
take a tumble, I'll end up homeless on the streets and suddenly my entire
family and support network will all give up at once. It was not a comforting 4
years that's for sure, but when I stopped drinking a lot of that worry, the
irrational I'm going to be dropped in the middle of the jungle, left with no
food or water and expected to live- NAKED and afraid- worry, that's gone.
It can still happen to this day to a certain
extent, but instead of school it's my job. And instead of being homeless or in
a jungle, it's why bother continuing when I can't even get my own blank to
understand me? (Pity party) It's whatever I have to face today, but not
remotely on the same level. I like to think I've worked through a great deal of
this fear. I certainly have demonstrated so anyways. I can feel whatever it is
and objectively look at the situation and remove the emotion. (I know! I've
grown up so much!!!!!)
We are our best and worst friends.
We are the only ones who can truly love
ourselves to the core, yet we can find every scenario possible to try and take
away whatever dignity, joy, pride, self love, self acceptance or feelings of
normalcy we have mustered up. It could be worry, fear, grief- or all 3- whaling
on you at once and maybe you're sitting there thinking "why the fuck is
this happening?" Or maybe it's "please don't tell me this is the
beginning...." "you're fine, just ignore it." That never works
with any cut, bruise and certainly no mental illness or health matter.
Ask questions. NOT GOOGLE MD. PLEASE PEOPLE
STOP GOOGLING YOUR SYMPTOMS. Especially parents, you're setting yourself for a
nightmare. I've met so many parents who have come to me and said the most
wbusrd things that they read on the internet and I'm not judging, that's what
google is for. But technology like a screen in our home WE are reading, is not
reliable for knowing what's in our human bodies. Maybe the hospital?
From personal experience I have a few clues
that tell me when I'm having A) a low day b) not my average low day because I
see a dog walking alone in snow and it can make me cry. (They're fine, Colleen)
and this can lead me to think things like "is my depression coming back
like it was in 2013? What if I'm getting worse? What if all this self growth is
really the opposite?" THATS THE KILLER; I can take all the hard work I've
done and flip it, only for moments, but my brain has the capacity to pretend
like all this work I've done hasn't done anything for me but make me worse off.
NOT TRUE! Just some days it really feels like it...
When I wake up in the morning I smile, I say
HELLOOOO WORLD! And I sit in my bed or look out a window and reflect on the
beauty. I'm dead serious too. I'm sure there's friends of mine reading this
like "haha colleen stares out her window looking for beauty what a
loser!" It's not who I used to be at all. I was self centred and didn't
understand how much joy, relief or free feeling I could achieve by simply appreciating
the things around me. I don't have to travel 30000 miles, but I will.
It's cool if you think it's lame, but I
argue if you find something that's beneficial for you, why wouldn't you try it?
Why wouldn't you use it to your benefit? If you did some research you'd even
know that looking at sunrise and sunsets helps with the circadian rhythms
allowing the brain to process the beginning and ending of a day through
light.
"Isolation," takes many forms
these days. There are people isolating themselves and people finding
themselves. There are people building their empires and people enjoy the fruits
of their labour. I am often asked by people do I isolate myself? Is it lonely?
1. Though I live in Woodstock I am not isolating myself,
I had purpose here which was school, but then I took a leap of faith and am in
a similar but different direction, and I am looking to move to Burlington
anyways!
2. I’ve learned as a Scorpio we tend to do this as we
take time to reflect and use introspection, research and investigation to further
harness and progress our emotional abilities (if anyone is up to date with
where I am at right now, how fitting is this? Astrology and numerology is where
it’s at)
And to answer the question, NO ITS NOT. NOT
WHEN YOU LOVE YOURSELF enough to want to take charge of your life and making
something out of it AND UNDERSTAND THE WORLD A LITTLE BETTER! Not when your
curiosity is so large you don't have time to sit and feel sorry for yourself or
your emotions because you're so into what your learning about yourself and the
world around you past, present and predictions of future dreams. I know for me,
I keep finding all this information that is so critical to guiding my every day
life, especially my inner self and the traits I possess that I can’t try and change,
but rather re-wire.
Isolation, loneliness or solitude. If you
are hiding from the world then yes I will say your habit is not healthy. If
you're on a rocking good journey that feels super unfamiliar, for example, this
if the first winter you're single, you live alone, you withdrew from all you
knew to start a job and you go back and forth between driving yourself a bit
cray to finding complete peace (I wonder who that's about) THATS OK. That's
growth. That's exactly what I asked for, to find myself without that person and
know who I was without anyone but me. Sometimes I get really sad I made this
decision but then that solitude piece kicks in and I'm reminded:
I can eat what and when I want
I can watch what I want
I can dance wherever and whenever to
WHATEVER (this has been my saving grace) just like a complete fool and laugh
-it reminds me I'm still me- I was once a kid and I'm still that kid my body is
just a bit bigger.
One of my close gal pals messaged me the
other day with just a load of “I feel guilty, I know I should do this and feel
that,” and it was all so hard and demanding on the poor girl. She’s such a
bright light and she knows it. She is at home making real life happen but in
that she is alone and thinking a lot, which leads her to think of a lot of
risky, dangerous potential scenarios of all kinds. I won’t mention it, but by
the end she had come to realize she was being hard on herself and there were
way more factors she brought into the problem that was going unknown to begin
with. She had yet to talk to anyone about this because she felt so nervous,
guilty, embarrassed. You do not need to feel any of those things, but our brain
woud like to make us think so.
What if I told you that by thinking, lets
say, your mom is going to find about out the time you stole alcohol in the
cabinet at the age of 27 and everyday you just processed it over and over
thinking of what could happen….That the pattern of simply consistently going
over these thoughts has an increasingly large potential as to making those
thoughts become a reality. I used a lame example, but what is a fear of yours
you keep going over like this? Now break it. Let life flow.
With that said, the cycling of thoughts can
be worrisome and sometimes never ending. It's in these moments that we often
fade to the back afraid that what we have to say is not valid or stupid. The
number of times people will say "I know this sounds dumb or crazy,"
do you know me?!?!
1. There's no such thing
2. Do you know the stuff I like to talk
about now? Stuff that not a lot of people get (yet) but I still roll with it.
That's me!
3. I'm the furthest thing from perfect and
that's why you're coming to me, you know I've been down a similar road and
that's why we rule. We're warriors. So keep talking and don’t think I mean to
say we get sick of your thinking, its just genuinely so unhealthy and scary how
real our thoughts can become.
Now, moving on from isolation I was slapped
in the face at grail (not physically, metaphorically speaking) with my own old
wisdom totally forgotten. We forget the little but big things and that's ok, we
are given so much information how are we supposed to hold it all in? It hit me
that the weather (in Ontario, where I live) has been BRUTAL. Not only
incredibly cold and snowy, that's Canada- but the sunshine. December and
November I did not see a lot of sun shine and when I was at grail I would cry
as hard as the tornado rain! I couldn't comprehend. Finally a wise soul
reminded me that the sun we had seen the day previously was the first time we
had seen sun (in Bancroft) in a while, and he was right! Where I live we don't
get the same weather as my parents in Niagara. It's snowing like mad here and
green as can be there!
Depression + winter + no sun = SAD seasonal
affective disorder or just a really rough go. Bed ridden.
AND sometimes this happens when we are
trying to take on new beginnings or change and that’s when it feels like
everything is crumbling down at once. We begin to feel completely out of
balance with our surroundings and sometimes ourselves.
For me, I feel fuzzy in my head, low energy;
I can tend to be a bit more emotional than usual as when it rains I cry (haha I
love it!) I lack motivation and I can find that I am allowing the thoughts I
tried so hard to work on going away, are coming back. “why bother, this is you
forever man face it.” Maybe but it’s not a bad thing I am not a bad person. I
may have done some not so great things, but that’s for reference, not
residence. Sometimes I will even say out loud “not right now” and my brain
almost reacts like “Ok wow alright, easy tiger we’re moving back”.
Personally, I need to be more in tune with
myself and my world and that’s why I like understanding holistic alternative
practices, space, the universe, myriad of cultures and religions, quantum
physics because it all relates back to us. It shows you how to fit into this
world, who we are and where we came from without a sense of having to “choose”
one between the other; especially on days where you feel like everything has
gone wrong when in reality you’re exactly
where you need to be.
“Follow what makes your soul happy…”
MIND. BODY. SOUL .
If you listen to your soul, your gut, the
voice that comes from your heart you will attract joy, love, bliss, and
abundance. The mind is just one big filing cabinet of a bunch of information
we’ve seen and stored. It’s the computer. We are souls/energy/light in a
body-physical structure for the physical experience- and when that body is
hurting mentally/physically it’s because something is likely going on in the
mind as it analyzes, separates and divides scenarios that just do NOT go
together. They hurt us or other people. We’re all guilty of this, its human.
BUT THE SOUL LISTENS, the mind only speaks and it will speak forever.
Hence why meditation and mindfulness, being
in the present are so important now. We need to block out some of that sensory
stimulation that is overloading our brains. Allows us to really listen and feel
a moment of peace or ten!
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of Dorothy
Dancing and that’s nothing fancy. I just dance in my living room to old tunes
and laugh and enjoy myself because it allows me to move and feel free all
awhile releasing energies that need to be let out! Put music in and let the
lyrics take you away.
Thank you to the brave souls who message me.
I get we’re Canadian and nice but you don’t have to be sorry. This is what my
life mission is, honour and support my communities “for I AM WE” and spread the
oozing amount of unconditional love I have.
I Hope this post makes sense it’s more than
3000 words so I’m not spell checking not today junior. But more importantly, I
hope who ever reads this knows and believes in their heart that all of this is
temporary. You’re not alone. Please seek support if you need it, I am here too!
Love
Dorothy
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