What the internet exposes on a daily basis is not even the half of it. I have worked at schools, various ages and grades, and it baffles me the information they relay to me. It is everywhere. Nude images, images of drugs, you name it, they've got access to it. There's chromebooks in classes and yes they have great security settings but you can still google images. Then parents call us like "why is my kid talking about x, y and z." Well, it's called outside influence. I doubt the teacher would have, which likely means a child did and do you think that child went in knowing what we adults know? Absolutley not.
Children will find what they want however they want. They will see things and not tell you. THEY'RE KIDS.
They will know you are hurt and try and help you without you knowing. They are aware of feelings and so in tune with their parents emotions.
This past week I have been in the paths of two families who are essentially being torn apart. Sad thing is, it has nothing do with the kids and everything to do with the parents. So here I am again, writing in reference to "parents."
To answer your question, no I am not a parent. I have been pregnant, but I do not have a child of my own. However, I have kids. I have like 40 kids who are technically my students or clients, but they are wonderful, miraculous, genius, kind, funny, sweet, innocent, ill-phased and the worlds biggest cheerleaders. They struggle big time. They come from broken families, families of seven to thirteen kids for welfare cheques, sexually victimized by their own flesh and blood, they are mini adults. Humans. "So what makes you qualified?"
Well, when you drop your kid off at school and they're having a bad day, they act out, they hit a child, they struggle mentally, emotionally, behaviourally, academically- or a day treatment program such as Lutherwood, Pioneer-- integration of education and wellbeing- I am the person who is supporting them and advocating for your child. Not you. That's why I feel it is my responsibility in part to discuss on my blog because everyone can relate, whether you're the child, the parent, the sibling, the teacher, the social worker, the doctor, YOU GET IT.
Parents, this world we live in today is nothing like it was. That is the point. Old generations die and so do their traditions and new generations take the newly established rules and principles and bring those to life. This one message won't do it, but it's a seed. One day I will be on stage in my speaking engagements talking about this too, and for the record it's not negative. You are not bad people or bad parents, just like kid's aren't bad boys or girls. We make mistakes, we're human, but we cannot continue to let the children suffer our burdens. I want to make this place safe and not so anxiety ridden...
Relationships can be tricky but it's never one parents fault. It takes two. Kids know that, even if they are raised by their grandparents they will always be wondering about their real parents. Yet, parent's these days get in fights, fight in front of their children like they don't exist or don't know what's going on but they do, they hear every word- those behaviours carry on while at school or elsewhere-- not recognizing the impact this has on our kids. Images can be erased, but words cannot. But to split the family or the kids away from one parent because you don't agree with a component of their lifestyle or who they might be with-- that's not good enough. Your kids will resent you. They will never understand why you had to make things more complicated and you can say you don't have to give a reason, but you ALWAYS think of your children first. You grew up with your parents implications, how did you turn out?
Just increase their chances of being more susceptible to mental illness, substance abuse or "choosing their own way" and hitting the streets. Parents wonder why, well we're confused as hell and don't want to live in that "hell" you call home. Stop fighting. We love our parents no matter what you might do to us, we will always love you so please, do us the favour and love us, keep your stuff together so we have a chance of growing up with some sanity left that is not a result of your personal problems.
I have heard the most heartbreaking stories, stories of kids being dropped off by their parents in the middle of night to homes, pretending they're going for ice cream and pretty much never returning. This kid still loves his mom and grandma ten fold. Or the classic case of the one parent who thinks they cannot do it anymore so they leave and return and the kids will be mad, but because theyre wondering why you didn't love them? Why did you leave? Why did you take daddy away from us? The impacts are ceaseless and I beg of parents to think of this before they go making irrational court decisions that result in supervised access.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE? The parents are split. Say you're bring your kids to see their dad, I would walk out to the car, get your child, beep them in and put them into a room to wait while I grab the other parent. Then you get about 2 hours of playing time and the kids are usually distraught leaving the other parent behind. Oh and guess who does all the driving? THE PARENT WHO MADE IT THIS WAY. This is another pattern- parents will go to all this hassle and work and then it doesn't fit their lifestyle because they cannot make their appointments or "they're always driving," they find another reason to blame someone and complain when this could have been prevented.
Protect your child. I have seen neglect and abuse and there is not a bone in my body that condones that type of behaviour. But when things get messy over your own personal problems, own them yourself, take that responsibility. Or be a jellyfish, we call those parents Jellyfish. You're too consumed in your own thoughts and problems that your decisions and actions are a product of you're thinking about you. Not the kids and how they feel, even if they are telling you "mom, stop!". Likely it just fuels your fire, but I would listen. They are not dumb.
Resentment is a feeling that gets buried deep within us and it takes almost everything to work through it, as often we didn't know that's the emotion that we were feeling all this time. It stays there and if suppressed for too long comes out in scary ways. Please pay attention to your children's behaviours in any occasion where there is a transition of moving, parental rights or caregiver circumstances.
To the kids:
This has nothing to do with you. You are the gift your parents made and though it might not feel like that right now, I can guarantee you it is the way they feel. Our parents did not get a guide book, just like we did not get a guide book as to how we respond when our parents act out in ways we cannot understand.
You go on with your days knowing that mom and dad are going through a time that, while uncomfortable, has to do with them and the hopes of them getting better for you. Its like sitting next to someone who doesn't respect you in class, we don't like it!
DO not let this define you, your parents may be acting different but again-- it is not you. Put your headphones in, listen to music, make music, make art. Write about how you feel, or take it to someone you trust, maybe an aunt or uncle. This won't make sense to you right now, but one day it will. And although this might feel like the worst pain and heartache, it will get better. It might not be how you wanted it, but if you have both your parents or whomever is your significant caregiver that's what is important. Just love them. That is all you can do. You cannot fix this.
Stay aware
Stay mindful
Stay sweet
Know you're never alone.
Glad I got this out.
Love,
Dorothy
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