Why
SickNotWeak
By Dorothy Colleen Rennie
“One person can make a
difference in this world, and everyone should try.” JFK
Below is a response to your questions regarding my volunteer
position with #SickNotWeak This may be unorthodox or unconventional, but I
wanted to demonstrate just how passionate I really am and that’s by telling my
truth through one of my favourite methods of communication; writing.
Two and a half years ago I made a decision that would alter my
life forever. Though, at the time it felt like hell I quit drinking to finally
face the fears of my ADHD, depression and anxiety that held me back from living
my greatest potential. Had I known
what I know now, I would have tried advocating for others and myself a long
time ago, but I’m making up for it as you read this. First, let me rewind.
I was at Wilfrid Laurier
studying communications till I got so physically and mentally ill I could not
go to class. I felt like a failure, I was way too afraid to face the students,
the professor and so I thought “cool, lets just try working from my apartment,
while the rest of the student body goes to class.” As you can already tell, I
was not thinking about what I needed or wanted, it was about how the outside,
societal view and those expectations that kept me in this dark shade of “you’re
not going to make it,” combined with my anxiety. Anxiety disorder is the
umbrella of a wide range of anxiety disorders, but core characteristics being
debilitating thoughts of worry and fear and the catastrophic thoughts of your
future going no where. Who knew! Doesn’t that make some sense.
I became very isolated and rather hopeless in this time,
and not solely because of my illnesses; I didn’t even think about them or take
them that seriously, but because I felt so misunderstood. My feelings in my
head and my body were so real, yet I try talking to any teacher and it was
“better get a doctors note,” which I understand, students take advantage of
class all the time, I’m no angel. However, this task cost me money and
traveling time and just anxiety ridden feelings consistently for simply asking
for an extension for homework and then going to the doctor to say, “I need a
note. Again” Trying to seek help in the counsellor’s office was no better, as
that was a ticking time bomb given the lack of resources, help and time allotted.
I was told I would be put on a waiting list and by then I wasn’t even going to
be in school, it was summer. Till the day came where I was asked to leave after
my first year because my GPA was not high enough.
Did I mention I never wanted to go to
university in the first place? I wanted to go to college and study fashion, but
I was told I couldn’t go to college until I got through university first.
Familial expectations are hard to escape, so I did what I was told. Once I was
asked to leave, however, I was ready throw in the towel but something made me
appeal my case and I continued to study, switched programs and ultimately
graduated with a bachelor’s degree in History after 4.5 years.
I took a lot away from those years,
definitely understanding historical perspectives gave me lenses I was not
previously able to comprehend and it was somewhat useful. For example, my
father grew up after WWII and during these times it was “the personal is
political,” or “be a man”—they had influencers such as Dr. Spock and not from
StarTrek, the one who wrote about how to raise a baby and only referenced
males, with the exception of the target audience being directed towards the
female caregiver (mother). I walked out not liking what our world had come to
and how we dealt with problems because from my textbooks it was all very
violent and inhumane. Nevertheless, the most important lesson I took away was
that in order to do great work you have to love what you do (and it was not history) and for some
apparent reason I could not understand at the time, I loved talking about my
feelings and emotions. I loved being able to support the sufferer so I did not
settle to become a lawyer, I finally went to college to obtain some skills and
certification so I could actually be apart of the youth development.
Becoming sober provided me with the clarity I needed to really
see, for the first time, what I wanted to do or the direction I wanted to head
towards and that is mental health. I
know what it is like to experience the emotional components of a learning
disability and that it doesn’t just affect your schooling, it affects all areas
of your life. I used to think I was “stupid,” when in reality I just was not paying
attention to what I wanted out of this life. I didn't recognize how many symptoms and effects that one disability could have on me. And those who struggle with ADHD often find they are clinically depressed and anxious too AND I'll bet its because similar to me, they do not understand and no one is informing them.
I could shovel advice out to my
friends and they would say things like “you should go into counselling,” and I
shrugged it off. I am now studying to become a child and youth care counsellor
because those people were right. I am good at having this conversation because
I understand. I empathize. I ooze compassion for those individuals who do tell
me their story because it is not easy, but my goodness can it have a powerful
impact. I love hearing peoples stories, I think they are so beautiful and bold in their own ways.
I loved having in depth conversations about
people’s life stories, as they were all so similar to mine but growing up we
never got to talk about it. Whenever there was a problem, say my mom was having
another alcoholic episode my dad called me instead of a professional because “we
knew them all,” and I'm guessing that made my dad apprehensive of his status. On the
outside we had this façade of a happy family that was healthy and whatever, but
we were all miserable. I liked to seek
and find music I could relate to because it would inspire me in those moments
of despair not to give up, to find a creative outlet like these artists where I
can try and use my voice and become aware of what I was feeling.
What started out as a personal blog created
on a whim on a Sunday turned into a place where my current social circles seek
to relate on a constant basis and I am not afraid to admit that because I put
my vulnerability out there and the responses I get back sometimes are just out
of this world amazing. (Thanks GUYS!) I just sit there wondering why more people are not doing
this, speaking out, challenging the status quo, normalizing and humanizing
these conversations, putting themselves on the line for a greater outcome than
themselves. I'm proud to say I am now a voice that speaks out about what I experience
both personally in my mental health and what I observe from an objective
standpoint, I feel its in part my responsibility to do be that person and I do
not take that lightly nor do I put pressure on myself, as this is my life. I am
sick, not weak.
I know there is someone out there who similar
to myself has yet to recognize that these illnesses we face, we do not have to
face alone. More importantly, they do not make us less than or different—they
make us unique and altruistic, especially when we find meaning and hope in it
all. And in a world filled of celebrity
exposure and how to be like them, I would choose myself over and over again. Why?
Because those experiences made me who I am today and have provided me with the
ability and passion to see that I have purpose, especially as a result of my
illnesses. I want to be apart of a movement that allows future generations see
just how incredibly super human they can be regardless of what we carry. We are
warriors. We don’t need a cape, we do not need billions of dollars to make
ourselves happy or change or be the prettiest girl with the best body because
those are all external entities that have nothing do with our internal being
and soul. Those things will not make one happy. We make ourselves happy and I
do that by empowering others to believe in themselves.
This past January I applied for Miss Universe
Canada on spontaneous whim thinking “maybe I could use my voice on this
platform,” and I did. I might not have fit the Miss Universe criteria, but I
was crowned Miss Congeniality and in my eyes that’s the golden ticket. I cannot
dance for the life of me, but I gave it a shot—I am Sandra Bullock. I walked in
a bikini in front of hundreds of people, though my entire childhood I was that
girl who wore a shirt over her bathing suit thinking her baby fat was actual
fat. The only reason I did this was for my younger self. I subconsciously needed
to find that faith and hope in a situation I was so unfamiliar with; I’m a
soccer player, going from cleats to 6 inch heels was a transition, I had a
panic attack the day of, but I went for it. I didn’t give up. Moreover, I was the only contestant who threw
an event that did not coordinate with their charity, not because I am a rebel,
but rather my mind got so excited the moment I heard “throw a fundraiser,” I
just went right for CMHA and raised $2800.
(Then I found out I didn’t even have to do that! But I am glad I
did)
I want to
be apart of the events committee because I know I will add to your team. I know
that my passion, energy and values are not far off from the rest of the team as
even Michael claimed, “I
just love the energy you bring to the issue that I feel so energetic about!
We could have a duel "Landsberg versus Rennie... Who brings the most
energy?"” AND I WOULD! It’s on.
We all instinctively know why we want to be
apart of an organization such as #SickNotWeak we are building communities of
people and bringing them together to find hope, meaning, good conversation, a
hug, anchoring faith and love because they matter. Similar to the idea of not
facing your mental illness alone, our communities cannot face this alone. Being
in Woodstock now I am determined to raise the awareness and sense of a mental
health community that cares, that is not afraid to be open and authentic
knowing that we all share similar threads. Time to unite us all and I think it
is my time to be apart of your team. I hope this non intentional essay
demonstrates a glimpse of that.
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