This post will be lengthy, as I feel it is my responsibility and to share exactly what felt and witnessed this day. It was certainly a day I will never forget. As Fleury said "Tell them. Tell them what you witnessed in this room tonight."
“People really fear and hate the things they don’t understand. I am a suicide survivor”
- Clint Malarchuk
Summary: A day of mental health personal experiences, stories, and the stories of 10 courageous Canadian athletes including Hayley Wickenheiser (more like WICKEDheiser -the good kind-), Clint Malarchuk, Andrew Jensen, Theo Fleury and last but never least, Michael Landsberg. On my birthday. This day has provided me with so much insight on my life and the human life in general, I cannot wait to share it with you all.
Twenty Five and I am Alive
I will start this story by sharing the end piece, because thanks to my friend humility I am laughing at myself now. I got home at around 2:30 am, I lit 2 candles in a sprinkle donut, Vanilla Dip to be exact, sang happy birthday to myself engulfed in tears from both singing HBD to myself and sobbing two hours straight after dropping off a wonderful woman I had the pleasure of driving(thats not sarcastic, I am so grateful to have met "her" who I will refer to shortly) freezing in my apartment, alone. But for 3 hours I was in a room full of 440 people who all had 1 thing in common with me; a desire, will, aspiration to stop the stigma and weak mentality mind set surrounding Mental Health, and ultimately stop the excruciating pain of death by suicide.
I did not take into account my activities for the day, as they were not planned around my birthday so much as it was the celebration of a myriad of things, I just couldn't see that then. You see, I was consumed in a car driving from the Stock to Peterborough and back for a big part of the day and I didn't realize the adventure/story I was going to have to tell because I was thinking about how my birthday used to look like, versus what it was right there in that moment; REMARKABLE.
Whatever. I'm 25. I'm not 21, I am glad I wasn't drunk and crying about a boyfriend of 5 years ago, you know?
LETS REWINDDDDDDDDD
Monday, November 21st, 2016 I had the pleasure of attending and being apart of An Evening With Landsberg and Friends. Being that I am now apart of the SICKNOTWEAK team I was honoured the pleasure of picking up and dropping off Jennifer Hedger. This woman is something else. Not just down to earth, but someone I am now very inspired by for a variety of reasons; her ability to dominate the sportscentre reporting in a male dominated industry, the ability to just be herself and own it like Beyonce because she can, like Michael, raw but kind people. When people are honest that's honesty,truthfulness not arrogance. They are smart individuals with real and authentic expressions of how they see the world and exist in it. They know who they are. Nothing wrong with that.
So I left at 1:30 pm, BUT at 11:00 am my phone decides- that's it! Out with the screen. HA YOU STINK! No problem. Innovation and my Ipad. I got this. So I printed off the directions from place to place and off I went. Brought my donations, myself, some snacks, (4 hours there and back), music. Then I would have great company for the other portions!
Half way to Toronto I realize I didn't have my debit card and I had about $20 bucks in random change so I filled my tank to 426 km! Perfect. By the time we got to Peterborough I had 152 km-- Stopped in Toronto cause I got a bit lost-- I am in the midst of a celebrity, public image in the sports world, no phone, no money, it's freezing outside and I know NO ONE, except Michael of course. But as you can see, he is a massive portion of the event so it's not like I'm just gonna chit chat with the guy all night. I was subconciously worried and thinking about my drive home, though I knew I would make it. And I did thanks to Jennifer (saving Grace!)
The event goal was to raise awareness and money for SICKNOTWEAK and TEAM55 for mental health and suicide prevention. More importantly, to have a conversation about topics such as suicide, depression, anxiety, addiction, sexual victimization, being a public face, wanting to die, wanting to live, the numerous trials of medications and doctors tried and said. And there was over 440 people there listening, the energy was a combination of emotions-- unlike any room I've been in to this day.
I had a couple moments of "Why am I here?" Till I realized I was exactly where I needed to be. I have followed my gut, why am I suddenly doubting myself? I don't even have to do anything but just be apart of the magic." I saw Michael and something in me was like you need to say something and I'm really glad I did, though he had a whole friggen show to worry about, he said "come here, come talk to me for a second, what's going on?" I couldn't explain it very well and he responded with "what is it you are feeling" and it hit me, fear. anxiety. worry. the emotions that love to consume my brain for no reason. Or at least not to the degree to which it does sometimes...
SO, YA. THAT WAS PRETTY KIND AND SUPER COOL. He later introduced me to his daughter, Casey who is the creative designer behind the SNW logo/shirts/sweaters/...and so much more. You can tell her and Landsberg have developed a beautiful dynamic from sharing this project together.
Casey also does a lot (if not all) the Landsblog filming. Ironically, Casey went to fashion school in the states. I always wanted to go to fashion school! HOW COOL!
Back to the event: I could sit here and write out what each person shared, but instead I am going to share the key components I took away. Each one of them spoke with raw honesty to the hushed crowd about their mental health struggles, and the need for compassion and acceptance.
"People are fighting battles that you know nothing about, so be kind," Malarchuk said.
I had the pleasure of being forwarded an email regarding the event by an amazing gentlemen who is a street artist and we met right at the end and this is what he had to say:
""First allow me to share that last night was magical for me. To see a room full of business folk from my town close their mouths and open their ears to vulnerability and struggle blew my mind. It was a spiritual experience for me, and I have had so very few of those in my life. Everyone was great. You and Theo have been inspiring me with your openness for a while now, but Jennifer Hedger stole the show and truly inspired me greatly. That took so much courage and she shared her story with a grace and seeming comfort that it was clear she had been close to ready for a while, but not ready to take that step. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen to experience that moment she shared and it will inspire me as long as I live. The work you are doing with your friends is making my life easier, and others like me. We are only the first wave of voices, and your public efforts allow people to accept when folks like me share. So thank you very much.
To Jen,
Your story still gives me chills. I cannot express how monumental that was for every single human in that room, especially myself. I am so grateful. I still have very few words to say...I think I'm still processing. AND WE SPENT A WHOLE CAR RIDE TOGETHER. MY GOLY! Add you to the list of inspiration
To Clint,
Your vulnerability on that stage and after was incredible. I love how candid you were about the topics we are so often "ashamed" about, when it is our reality. Your tears shed at the end of the speech- wow. Then we hugged and held it there for a moment, just as a reminder that we really are not alone.
Thank you for allowing your emotion to come through while telling us of how you shot yourself; the pain not for you, but for your family and hearing that 14 year old boy assuring you that the guilt you carried for so long was not meant for you to carry: "that wasn't my dad, that was the illness" this boy said. WOW. How being a goaltender on medication that practically sedates you for 15 years because you didn't see the psychiatrist for 15 years, therefore you became immune to it. That got even worse... (3 months people!Psychiatrist every 3 months or doctor whatever)
To Theo,
I will never forget the first time I heard your story. I was watching TV in my parents room as a teenager and I swear it was the first time I had heard a story of such unjust nature towards a kid who was just trying to play the game he loved, it was beyond incomprehensible to me at the time and therefore it stuck. Your passion in sharing all of your experiences is like fire, you tell it with conviction and not because people do not believe you but you want to them to hear and feel you. You made that happen. I thank you so much. I am also grateful I got the opportunity to meet you for myself and not through the lens of anyone or any book.
Your truth explaining your experience with having two parents who struggled immensly with addiction to the point where you had no food some nights, your hockey dream turning into somewhat of a nightmare given you were raped 150 times by Graham James who was recently released and your explanation of why you did not pull the trigger the night you set out to kill yourself.
To LANDSberg,
Thank you for supporting me and believing in me. Thank you for your constant efforts in a field I am so incredibly passionate about and now know I am not the only one. My "crazy" ideas are not crazy at all. We can be raw and honest about our experiences, as that is how we learn and understand. We can save lives.
Asking for help
Acceptance
Compassion
Kindness
Shocker! no YES! IT IS BECAUSE WE KNOW THIS YET PEOPLE ARE STILL REALLY SHITTY. I'm sorry, but it is true! Let me give you a few examples from the previous days of my own experiences and not for pity, because I don't internalize this anymore, but for awareness.
I had a friend who is now no longer a friend because just recently we got into a disagreement and something came over her and she called me crazy, told me my blog was a bunch of "psycho babel bullshit," and I sadly believed it for a day. I cannot control what you say behind my back but to blatantly go out of your way to say such harsh comments, I send you positive wishes. That's too darn bad you feel that way. I don't. -- Why do we think its ok to say such things? It really isn't and I'm talking to myself when I say this too.
This friend helped me this past summer when I was not in a good state and I wanted to end it and when Clint said "do you understand the pain and hurt one must be in to want to take their own lives," it sunk in my stomach like, YA! DO YOU? CAUSE IF YOU DON'T- CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE SOMEONE WRECKS THEMSELF (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) ...I get your angry but deal with that appropriately. Channel it.
This morning I was told that one of the most painful and excruciating times of my life was "irrelevant" by someone who had nothing to do with the person I was actually talking to/showing this bouncy castle to. THATS IT! I SHOWED THEM A BOUNCY CASTLE AND THEIR GIRLFRIEND WENT OFF hahaha! Sorry. Since when was it ok for someone to dismiss a part of your life that they had nothing, like 0 to do with? Moreover, do not tell me, the individual who went into the fire alone, what is relevant and not relevant between myself and another. But thank you.
We have choice. We have goodness all around us simply living in this country. We have family, because blood relatives are not the only family members that count anymore. I am so proud to be apart of a movement that aims to take the sick, not weak, in this world and turn them into heroes with purpose.
I felt like I had more to say but for now this is all I have....
Love,
Dorothy
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