Surrender

Surrender to what is 

Let go of what is 

Embrace what's to come...

It's no secret I went through a breakup this year. But before I broke up with my ex boyfriend, my dog died at the age of 4. January 27, 2016. It was also my moms birthday. I can still feel the pain of my mom telling me, T trying to comfort me and in that instant I should have known-I screamed and said get away from me- When I look back I try thinking why? Why did I push that love away so many times, especially when I was grieving. I threw my logic aside for what I thought I wanted, which was a loving relationship but ultimately I knew this person would and could never be there for me the way I needed emotionally. I lost and went through too much tragedy for him to understand how deep things ran in my body and in my heart. I don't blame him, but I pulled the panic cord right after Miss Universe Canada (I didn't want anything messing up with my competiton) 

I lost my dog and my best friend in a matter of months. Then I lived in our apartment alone for a couple months, moved to Woodstock and became my whole self again minus the physical love I had for my pup. I would be lying if I said this didn't affect me, I don't know why people like to dismiss death-human or dog they both have a spirit. But it utterly broke my heart and still hurts a lot to this day. 

I found myself battling in my head constantly between what I thought was right and what was reality. That's the thing with depression, we have such a realistic mind set it's almost insensible to find reason s why this shit happens but it happens for a reason and I accept that. My dog and his loss has faced me so many times. Like the first week of my practicum and I meet a student named Dante. Or how often I would see German shepherds, and not just your average bear, one just as beautiful and dark as my Dante. Such a good looking dog. My ex was ok too, but once his hair got long that was it.

Some dudes can rock it, I'm not trying it be mean but his made him (makes him) look girly I just can't play with it and feel like "ya this is my man," hahahahah ! and that's my opinion, I would tell this to his face when we dated too. No wonder we were not as intimate.. (sorry mom and dad) 

This year I had to surrender. Surrending felt like giving up,it felt like everything I lost this year I was just saying "fine, have your way then." Till I realized it was more about resistance, resisting the urge to email him and get upset because I found out he did some shady stuff while away one time. 

I KNEW IT TOO! Never quiet your intuition ladies, I have a super woman to thank for that reminder- his amazing ex girlfriend I knew I would one day befriend because I sensed this urge of us finally laying out on the table all the shitty and laughable things one does-everyone needs to do this, it's healing. Humility. He's not a bad person we just had a lot of stories we could relate to. "Classics," if you will. 

So I resisted. I just said resist. And all that has flowed my way since is truly remarkable. It's like taking off a layer of skin filled with both good but also bad memories, and just walking away from it. Never having to look back or pick it up again, just let it be and keep moving.. it feels amazing. Till last week I found out more bad news bears about the dude but rather than letting it get to me I stood up for myself and simply asked for my money back and went back to my life, IT WAS AWESOME. 

I'm not just sharing this because I feel like it. Well, I do. But I also know this time of the year is hard for many reasons for a lot of people and I would be lying if I said this time of year didn't bring up a heap of Christmas memories with both his family and mine. 

I'm sharing this as a reminder to many that pains and aches come in all shapes and sizes, and often unexpectedly. I hear you and I want you to know that this time doesn't have to be the most wonderful time of the year for you if it isn't. But try and make something of it. Maybe that's spring or Easter, regardless, make this season about what brings you the most joy. Write down what you've gone through to see how far you've come. family doesn't have to be blood that's one of the best most fortunate gifts I acquired this year was the number of people (2 or 3) I call my family now, I love you girls so much and you know who you are. Thank you for accepting me in all my forms and always understanding. Or bringing me bagel when I felt like I was gonna pass out.

Take the risk 

Go into this new year with hope. Hope for yourself and no one else (be selfish) 

To all that hurts you, surrender. Resist. 

Love

Dorothy