This post is vulnerable for me in that it could be perceived in two ways, and already I find it interesting how this has me thinking of what the audience will think when usually I write and write and think "you're honouring yourself. "I still am, but I never want my posts to be seen as ruthless or exposing posts, they're just really real. They're things I feel or see in my life from my lenses and trust me, I wear plenty of them. I also think it's important to share our life experiences because someone somewhere can always relate or identify with a peiece and I hope it's for the better.
I just want to live in a world where acceptance and love go hand in hand. I'm tired of the judgments, they don't do anything but kill. Please choose your words wisely.
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"Like I said a few months ago, you really threw me off that day, and your behaviour after that was erratic and kinda weirded me out...I'm sorry you're a nice girl but certain things are too much...I just can't "
This comment was said to me today by an individual I met this year and after 1 day spent with me in person. We didn't know each other from atom, I went to see her one day to help her with an event she was throwing because we originally connected as good gal pals. I was shocked we started face timing becaus I don't even do that with my own friends but whatever that was the nature of the friendship at the time. So ya, I drove from Waterloo to past aurora to meet this individual. My illnesses crept up on me this day and rather than sitting here asking myself why someone would think I weirded them out, I'm just gonna blog about it.
The summer was an emotionally and mentally confusing time for me, and when we were together I began to notice my energy was incredibly anxious and affected by the conversation. This person is a good person and I respect them, however, after messaging me a few weeks ago regarding the interest of a hockey player whose first comment in meeting me was about my chest and told me not to type so much but "because he was a nice guy he would read my messages this once" (I will not name this person ) I'm just going to throw out a lesson of literacy, respect and kindness.
We're not getting it.
We are just not getting it.
In college we were taught and reminded that we treat everyone, no matter where we go, like an equal.
For example: we treat the teachers, prinicipal and janitor as one. Just because we aren't familiar with something does not give us the right to say or do things that make them feel otherwise. And it's true, half the time I would argue Reg from my school did more work than I did. Elementary schools are not clean spaces, I mean this was clean, but not without my man Reg. it's not that complicated when you think you just have to be a decent human to other humans like you.
I adopted this philosophy of "just be kind"from my brother. I remember one holiday we spent time together at the mall and at a restaurant and the way he treated the service staff or whomever was helping us was so nice ! Just being himself saying thanks so much, I appreciate your help-acknowledgement or validation if you will. And if you've ever been in public with me, I befriend every person now, I always talk to people around me. I see how much it can surprise people or just make other people calm, say at a Tim Hortons cash register- I'm not the angry person in the morning who can't wait 10-15 more seconds for a coffee. I can!!!!
I get it, people have places to go people to see "time is money," and we have made everything around us so simple with the tap of plastic I can pay for so many things and walk out of store. But when I leave a store I don't just think about myself. I want to leave that place feeling good and not like I made the cashier feel like shit, I don't know what her day is like or what's behind that smile. It's taken me some time to learn this but it's a valuable lesson.
This post, however, is not about just treating everyone as an equal because in a such a polarized world, what the fudge does that even look like? I'll tell you: our friend awareness.
Self awareness
Self regulation
Self management
The self is not just about the self though, it never is and never has been. As I said earlier, when I'm leaving a store I don't want to walk out feeling like the grinch so I behave and treat others the way I would like to be. Some call it the golden rule, a it's been around since at least 1778.
Have you ever seen a person in public who you didn't know and thought they were behaving weird or erratic? (I'll explain in detail what was going through my mind and body) Do you go tell that person they're behaving weird and erratic and you simply can't because it's too much? NO! We understand it has nothing to do with us and either keep moving or talk to them for aid. Even if I was acting out of sorts, there's likely a reason.
I had a shit ton of anxiety the moment I got to her house. I immediately began to feel like my old self, the one who drove so far just for a party and being social, take some cute photos. But I tried to say no it's different that's not you anymore. In other words I was fighting a battle inside she had 0 clue about from the start and that's ok. To no fault of her own. I was also in an argument with my parents and that was overwhelming me. So all my own stuff going on.
Driving around the mention of getting super drunk and talking about drugs and wondering if so and so would show up--THAT WAS TOO MUCH. My erratic behaviour took the form of me being unable to control my thinking and feeling completely uncomfortable and the only thing I knew to do was breathe, not let my thoughts cycle out and go home, so I did.
I don't understand what "just too much" that she just couldn't, was about when like I said this was
maybe a week long friendship. Had I had a full on panic attack in front of her maybe. I mean, ya the way we try and protect what we're feeling is weird and the thoughts are weird but WEIRDING SOMEONE OUT? It's almost fucking 2017!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry but the French word here is my passion saying WEIRD AND mental health or PANIC ATTACKS DONT GO HAND IN HAND
You see, I'm recovering from that phase of my life. I no longer drink and with that went the associated party drugs. To each their own I cannot judge, as that would be hypocritical. Yet, I needed to protect myself. And I felt embarrassed. I always do. I feel guilty, weak; like "why can't you just be around these people and feel like yourself? Why must you always have this battle with yourself?"
"Just chill," was the final straw. Today too. Telling someone with anxiety or depression, especially while they're having an attack you know nothing about is like telling a blind man to open his eyes. Treat people with the dignity and respect they deserve. If you don't know that's ok, but don't assume and say things that have the potential to really hurt someone.
What this girl witnessed was likely her first time seeing something who is sober trying to sort her shit out in a town she doesn't know with a girl she hardly knows, but recognizes. A lot of my old self that did not work for me, personally and that's ok. We're two different individuals! We're allowed our own ways, opinions pand perceptions. But weirded you out, it's just too much and you can't even. YOU CANT EVEN WHAT?!?! Hahah I don't understand when people say this, finish your sentence. What is so unspeakable?
I suffer uniquely but we survive the same way. Through support, encouragement, speaking up for others who feel like they "weird," people out. To anyone who thinks that, remove that thought from your brain because you are not weird, nor is how you behave weird. Some people simply just don't get it yet and it's not our problem to figure that out for them. We can only move forward knowing what's weird to them is our "normal', and it's way more fascinating and kind. I am loved purely for who I am and accepted for all my "flaws," I don't need to prove my worth to anyone. And neither do you.
We are ALL significant awesome and wonderful. What's weird to you is normal to me and by sharing or talking about it I have the capacity to save a life or maybe inspire someone versus the alternative. I'd take that any day of the week.
Love, Dorothy xo
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