As a mental health advocate, I like to give the people the truth. The raw reality of my life, the people in it and experiences that all have interactions with myself and my illnesses. 

I like to talk about feelings and emotions-the associated thoughts one has and try and dig deeper if I can knowing that I have a graceful power of letting people speak their truths or identify with some of the unfamiliarities of those feelings. So this Boxing Day I'm going to continue speaking my truth and I'm not going to put a mask on and pretend today I am doing super fantastic because honestly, I don't feel that way. At all. 

I feel fine, which is better than low because I wouldn't be writing this if I was low. Anxiety and depression are a mess sometimes. Most days I feel like I got the day, I can control whatever disaster hits me and then there are those days where I'm like "when will this day be over because I'm not sure of anything. What to do, where to go, how to feel, should I reach out? Is anything the matter? Let me just think..." I must say to myself "let me just think," 10000000 times. ALL I DO IS THINK HAHA! That's the odd time like today where I can catch myself and just say "you're thinking. A lot. 

Then there are times where I don't want to move from my room, and I just stick to myself hoping someone will need me and I can step in. That's a sad reality, but that's my reality and I am ok with this learning/process/journey. I say that because on the days where I feel more like myself and can bust a move, I laugh so much with myself! I enjoy every little thing that happens around me. I am really good at pulling my stuff together and being apart of life. Notice what I just did there? Knocked myself. 

I can still pull my "stuff" together and be apart of life when I'm not in the best of moods, but I have to be good to myself. I have to take care of myself. Sometimes that's by writing, but rather than keeping it to myself today I'm blogging about it. 

I'm human. I'm sick, not weak. 

This holiday was hard. My energy was low, not as bad today, because I keep getting emotional when I "didn't  want to," as I find when I cry  it's like it turns off a part of my brain, and depending on the cry it's either small or average-done for the day- or just goes black and I can't feel it until at least the next day. I feel this pain behind my eyes from crying, as the tears are so real. I become slower and less motivated and my thinking patterns can take the form of "just get through today. What are you grateful for?" Serenity prayer cause it really helps me. Like incredibly so. Over and over. 

That reminds me. My brother- the one who taught me about kindness indirectly taught me a very neutral way or reaction to someone yesterday in lieu of a discussion regarding religion and merry Christmas- 

"Do I believe in god? No. Do I say merry Christmas yes? Do I believe Mary gave birth to baby Jesus, not necessarily but I can appreciate the thought." BAM THANK YOU G MAN. We can appreciate people's feelings and their religions even, if we take that extra second and think. Awareness- use it! 

I try being there for others and often find myself depleted of my energy or from absorbing theirs, which is my fault. I choose to stay on the phone and listen to a friend tell me how "I'm not like you, I can't just forget things" 

Uh...I'm a Scorpio by nature and I can't let shit go. But I move along everyday trying and trying and I guess I'm succeeding most days. But you are like me, you can seek help like I did, online, through a book and have someone, an icon, open your eyes and perspective to a more fulfilling life. Like going with the flowing and accepting whatever is will be. All I can control is ME! #Rhyme 

My family, as much as I love them and appreciate all they do for me everyday- are like any human and cannot be perfect. I have controlled my emotions unlike any year of my life this year I can admit that. I'm proud of that. What I mean to say is, when I feel like I'm getting personally upset, I walk away, take a lap, shed a tear or listen to song. Get back out there. If I can't, I don't push myself but this year I've been so successful. 

So when people say things to me in lieu of me advising them such as "ya you can do that..." "your family..." "my parents...." NOTHING. It's not about them, it's about YOU. You can choose to hold on to the pain, anger and hate but when you wake up every day how does that feel? How can you work with that? What steps do you need to take to be able to remove those shadows because they're going to haunt you otherwise, and I say this from personal experience. 

With all the sh!t going on in this world, why consciously choose to "hate" people. You don't have to let them in on everything you do or even see them, but when they leave this earth you're going to wish your last penny you said SOMETHING. Morbid, raw, truth. 

Yesterday my grandmas boyfriend passed away. This woman has outlived 2 husbands and a boyfriend, yet I'm crying because I miss my dog and having a my happy ex boyfriend around. Guess what? Just as valid. Laugh all you want, but we're both experiencing an emotion that our brain registers and I'd be doing myself no favours by ignoring that emotion. 

As early as the age of 7 our subconscious is pre wired with social, cultural, emotional, familial, ideological values. Not adult ones, but I bet their better. Like my one student who thought college was stupid because we had no recess. Ya buddy! Tell em! 

If you didn't feel amazing this holiday, I hear you. My experiences might be different but I can relate to your emotion and I'm here to say, you're not alone. Not now. Not ever. 

"So make sure you love like you've never been hurt and when you dance dance like there's no one watching you cause this shit is not about pants and this shit is not about shirts and this shit is definitely not about hair." #GetFighted #Alexisonfire ENJOY YOUR LIFE SOMEHOW! Release your insecurities for a minute by dancing like a maniac and you'll feel a release. Even if it's just for a moment. 

I feel better...it's amazing how this stuff works sometimes. 

Have a lovely Boxing Day xox