11/21/16

The Day I turned 25:

This post will be lengthy, as I feel it is my responsibility and to share exactly what felt and witnessed this day. It was certainly a day I will never forget. As Fleury said "Tell them. Tell them what you witnessed in this room tonight."


“People really fear and hate the things they don’t understand. I am a suicide survivor”
- Clint Malarchuk 

Summary: A day of mental health personal experiences, stories, and the stories of 10 courageous Canadian athletes including Hayley Wickenheiser (more like WICKEDheiser -the good kind-), Clint Malarchuk, Andrew Jensen, Theo Fleury and last but never least, Michael Landsberg. On my birthday. This day has provided me with so much insight on my life and the human life in general, I cannot wait to share it with you all. 

Twenty Five and I am Alive 

I will start this story by sharing the end piece, because thanks to my friend humility I am laughing at myself now. I got home at around 2:30 am, I lit 2 candles in a sprinkle donut, Vanilla Dip to be exact, sang happy birthday to myself engulfed in tears from both singing HBD to myself and sobbing two hours straight after dropping off a wonderful woman I had the pleasure of driving(thats not sarcastic, I am so grateful to have met "her" who I will refer to shortly) freezing in my apartment, alone. But for 3 hours I was in a room full of 440 people who all had 1 thing in common with me; a desire, will, aspiration to stop the stigma and weak mentality mind set surrounding Mental Health, and ultimately stop the excruciating pain of death by suicide. 

I woke up excited like any birthday before thinking it was "my day," but slowly I realized it was like the previous years, exciting, but the thrill factor does not exist without roommates jumping in or having everyone in a class, job, whatever sing you happy birthday-- you've gotta blow out your own candles, even set them-- I know!  The tragedy....Just kidding! But I was stuck in a "some birthday" funk. 

I did not take into account my activities for the day, as they were not planned around my birthday so much as it was the celebration of a myriad of things, I just couldn't see that then. You see,  I was consumed in a car driving from the Stock to Peterborough and back for a big part of the day and I didn't realize the adventure/story I was going to have to tell because I was thinking about how my birthday used to look like, versus what it was right there in that moment; REMARKABLE. 

Whatever. I'm 25. I'm not 21, I am glad I wasn't drunk and crying about a boyfriend of 5 years ago, you know? 


LETS REWINDDDDDDDDD


Monday, November 21st, 2016 I had the pleasure of attending and being apart of An Evening With Landsberg and Friends. Being that I am now apart of the SICKNOTWEAK team I was honoured the pleasure of picking up and dropping off Jennifer Hedger. This woman is something else. Not just down to earth, but someone I am now very inspired by for a variety of reasons; her ability to dominate the sportscentre reporting in a male dominated industry, the ability to just be herself and own it like Beyonce because she can, like Michael, raw but kind people. When people are honest that's honesty,truthfulness not arrogance. They are smart individuals with real and authentic expressions of how they see the world and exist in it. They know who they are. Nothing wrong with that. 

So I left at 1:30 pm, BUT at 11:00 am my phone decides- that's it! Out with the screen. HA YOU STINK! No problem. Innovation and my Ipad. I got this. So I printed off the directions from place to place and off I went. Brought my donations, myself, some snacks, (4 hours there and back), music. Then I would have great company for the other portions! 

Half way to Toronto I realize I didn't have my debit card and I had about $20 bucks in random change so I filled my tank to 426 km! Perfect. By the time we got to Peterborough I had 152 km-- Stopped in Toronto cause I got a bit lost-- I am in the midst of a celebrity, public image in the sports world, no phone, no money, it's freezing outside and I know NO ONE, except Michael of course. But as you can see, he is a massive portion of the event so it's not like I'm just gonna chit chat with the guy all night. I was subconciously worried and thinking about my drive home, though I knew I would make it. And I did thanks to Jennifer (saving Grace!)

The event goal was to raise awareness and money for SICKNOTWEAK and TEAM55 for mental health and suicide prevention. More importantly, to have a conversation about topics such as suicide, depression, anxiety, addiction, sexual victimization, being a public face, wanting to die, wanting to live, the numerous trials of medications and doctors tried and said. And there was over 440 people there listening, the energy was a combination of emotions-- unlike any room I've been in to this day. 

I had a couple moments of "Why am I here?" Till I realized I was exactly where I needed to be. I have followed my gut, why am I suddenly doubting myself? I don't even have to do anything but just  be apart of the magic." I saw Michael and something in me was like you need to say something and I'm really glad I did, though he had a whole friggen show to worry about, he said "come here, come talk to me for a second, what's going on?" I couldn't explain it very well and he responded with "what is it you are feeling" and it hit me, fear. anxiety. worry. the emotions that love to consume my brain for no reason. Or at least not to the degree to which it does sometimes...

SO, YA. THAT WAS PRETTY KIND AND SUPER COOL. He later introduced me to his daughter, Casey who is the creative designer behind the SNW logo/shirts/sweaters/...and so much more. You can tell her and Landsberg have developed a beautiful dynamic from sharing this project together. 
Casey also does a lot (if not all) the Landsblog filming. Ironically, Casey went to fashion school in the states. I always wanted to go to fashion school! HOW COOL! 

Back to the event: I could sit here and write out what each person shared, but instead I am going to share the key components I took away. Each one of them spoke with raw honesty to the hushed crowd about their mental health struggles, and the need for compassion and acceptance.

 "People are fighting battles that you know nothing about, so be kind," Malarchuk said.

I had the pleasure of being forwarded an email regarding the event by an amazing gentlemen who is a street artist and we met right at the end and this is what he had to say:
""First allow me to share that last night was magical for me. To see a room full of business folk from my town close their mouths and open their ears to vulnerability and struggle blew my mind. It was a spiritual experience for me, and I have had so very few of those in my life. Everyone was great. You and Theo have been inspiring me with your openness for a while now, but Jennifer Hedger stole the show and truly inspired me greatly. That took so much courage and she shared her story with a grace and seeming comfort that it was clear she had been close to ready for a while, but not ready to take that step. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen to experience that moment she shared and it will inspire me as long as I live. The work you are doing with your friends is making my life easier, and others like me. We are only the first wave of voices, and your public efforts allow people to accept when folks like me share. So thank you very much. 

To Jen, 
Your story still gives me chills. I cannot express how monumental that was for every single human in that room, especially myself. I am so grateful. I still have very few words to say...I think I'm still processing. AND WE SPENT A WHOLE CAR RIDE TOGETHER. MY GOLY! Add you to the list of inspiration 

To Clint, 
Your vulnerability on that stage and after was incredible. I love how candid you were about the topics we are so often "ashamed" about, when it is our reality. Your tears shed at the end of the speech- wow. Then we hugged and held it there for a moment, just as a reminder that we really are not alone. 

Thank you for allowing your emotion to come through while telling us of how you shot yourself; the pain not for you, but for your family and hearing that 14 year old boy assuring you that the guilt you carried for so long was not meant for you to carry: "that wasn't my dad, that was the illness" this boy said. WOW. How being a goaltender on medication that practically sedates you for 15 years because you didn't see the psychiatrist for 15 years, therefore you became immune to it. That got even worse... (3 months people!Psychiatrist every 3 months or doctor whatever)

To Theo, 
I will never forget the first time I heard your story. I was watching TV in my parents room as a teenager and I swear it was the first time I had heard a story of such unjust nature towards a kid who was just trying to play the game he loved, it was beyond incomprehensible to me at the time and therefore it stuck. Your passion in sharing all of your experiences is like fire, you tell it with conviction and not because people do not believe you but you want to them to hear and feel you. You made that happen. I thank you so much. I am also grateful I got the opportunity to meet you for myself and not through the lens of anyone or any book. 

Your truth explaining your experience with having two parents who struggled immensly with addiction to the point where you had no food some nights, your hockey dream turning into somewhat of a nightmare given you were raped 150 times by Graham James who was recently released and your explanation of why you did not pull the trigger the night you set out to kill yourself. 

To LANDSberg, 
Thank you for supporting me and believing in me. Thank you for your constant efforts in a field I am so incredibly passionate about and now know I am not the only one. My "crazy" ideas are not crazy at all. We can be raw and honest about our experiences, as that is how we learn and understand. We can save lives. 

Asking for help
Acceptance
Compassion
Kindness


Shocker! no YES!  IT IS BECAUSE WE KNOW THIS YET PEOPLE ARE STILL REALLY SHITTY. I'm sorry, but it is true! Let me give you a few examples from the previous days of my own experiences and not for pity, because I don't internalize this anymore, but for awareness. 

I had a friend who is now no longer a friend because just recently we got into a disagreement and something came over her and she called me crazy, told me my blog was a bunch of "psycho babel bullshit," and I sadly believed it for a day. I cannot control what you say behind my back but to blatantly go out of your way to say such harsh comments, I send you positive wishes. That's too darn bad you feel that way. I don't. -- Why do we think its ok to say such things? It really isn't and I'm talking to myself when I say this too. 

This friend helped me this past summer when I was not in a good state and I wanted to end it and when Clint said "do you understand the pain and hurt one must be in to want to take their own lives," it sunk in my stomach like, YA! DO YOU? CAUSE IF YOU DON'T- CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE SOMEONE WRECKS THEMSELF (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) ...I get your angry but deal with that appropriately. Channel it. 

This morning I was told that one of the most painful and excruciating times of my life was "irrelevant" by someone who had nothing to do with the person I was actually talking to/showing this bouncy castle to. THATS IT! I SHOWED THEM A BOUNCY CASTLE AND THEIR GIRLFRIEND WENT OFF hahaha! Sorry. Since when was it ok for someone to dismiss a part of your life that they had nothing, like 0 to do with?  Moreover, do not tell me, the individual who went into the fire alone, what is relevant and not relevant between myself and another. But thank you. 


We have choice. We have goodness all around us simply living in this country. We have family, because blood relatives are not the only family members that count anymore. I am so proud to be apart of a movement that aims to take the sick, not weak,  in this world and turn them into heroes with purpose. 


I felt like I had more to say but for now this is all I have....

Love, 
Dorothy 

The Day Dorothy Changed

This Let Go bit is way better than Frozen just sayin' 

Super super moon

Is there anything better than super, super? Not in my world.

Not to mention it's still Scorpio season, which is sad it took me 25 years to realize how effective astrological and numerological insight could be. I won't even begin to explain my day because I'm not here to prove anyone what I believe in, or that scorpions have insane psychic awareness and it's hitting me 10 fold--but HOW cool.

Unfortunately I've found myself in a pattern of people's lives that I feel id a message in a form of its own just not sure what it's trying to say. All of these situations include men, abuse, court and abuse doesn't just come in the form of physical injury. So I'm done keeping this in, as maybe I'm supposed to share this already.

We grew up in a time where traditions were cultivated over a span of stagnated years -1930-2001? And then the twin tours happened and religion became the "spawn" of maltreatment. Reigniting views and principles that are beyond irrelevant today and can no longer be justified, specifically the treatment of women and children. Dorothy the feminist is back.


 I don't know why I'm given to access to information that could so easily be shared and I truly I feel all people should have acces to so we can grow and understand. Not only does this open up your awareness, but you might find if you implement these things into your life you will find understanding and empathy. Cause these women deserve to be listened to and your belittling or doing whatever you want is enough already and that infoudes doing NOTHING. You cannot tell me you don't have time ro let someone know what you need from especially in this day and age where we're constantly engaged with social and media this; I love when people get upset about this it's like REALLY? Then why do you own a cell? Detach! I do it all the time, but then life is still there.

Where you got the idea you're not responsible for other people feeling a certain way is bull because we all have EQ, yet it's rarely used. You might not have to take responsibility but at least be there for the person and don't leave them in the cold how mean is that? I cry alone sometimes after things dissapoint me in awe to this day how inconsiderate people can be.

This world can be pretty chaotic and to overwhelmed all the time is exhausting. When so much if is preventable. Don't get me wrong women treat men poorly too, but when it comes to death by mutdet and not abuse you take that cake. We were socialized and still are to belibe in the girl versus boy. Boys or men are naturally more aggressive and terrifying to put it bluntly. I trie telling this to someone in the summer and I kept g ting this humans are equal argument and I agree

But not until women are seen as equal first bro and locking myself in the bathroom due to your irrational fears coming  out in screaming match is not ok and never will be. Then you messaged my mom like really? 31. Come on.


ENOUGH is ENOUGH. How many more times do I have to listen to my friends being beat, told they're worthless, spat on, life threatened and they're children. Ironically we're doing a project on child abuse and neglect so this information has been boiling my blood and I think I just lost it today.


Ignoring a woman's feelings, dismissing them, not allowing women to feel like their feelings are valid regardless of your view, they both count.

This is a tough one for you gentlemen I don't know how many more times females need to tell you this so listen up because if you look away or don't pay attention you're missing out LISTEN
LISTEN TO US AND DONT JUST HEAR US, CONTRIBUTE. YOUR LIVES ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES THAT MATTER AND IM GONNA GO THERE... TRUMP BECOMING PRESDIENT IS THE LAST EXAMPLE I NEED OF WOMEN NOT FINDING THE ABILITY OR SUPPORT TO PUSH PAST SOCIETAL NORMS AND LIMITS -THAT DAMN GLASS CIELING. 

I'm going to break through it, I don't know how but I will be heard, met and conquer that ceiling. I know I have purpose to excercise my voice I'm still gathering the bits and pieces. I don't care about the fame and fortune what I care about is that these women and children' deserve to know this is it abut them and that abuse is cyclical. The abused become the abuser. They deserve to know that love does exist and so does happiness, kindness, warmth. If not from a man then I suggest you find a hobbies like tapping into the universe and predicting your future, blogging whatever! Give your story some meaning, you didn't make it this far to only get this far. I sure as hell didn't.

Respect
Trust snd support
Not mimicking their values
 Talking and acting safe so we feel comfortable and not like our life is danger
Listening  non judgementally (look that up)
Negotiation and fairness -seeking mutually satisfying results to conflict OH BABY!
Responsible parenting: being a positive non violent role model for the children

Children hear everything.
I am so lucky I have worked so hard to get past my demons and I now find myself just nothing but grateful for family and all that's come with it because it's made me who I am and I am strong. I am strong in many ways and that includes being there for people and listening to them when absolute,y no one will. That's messed up. Since when were so closed minded and frankly cruel.

My next message will be for- schools? Teachers? I've been told I should be a teacher too many times and yes I have a history degree but that's besides the point. Kids and I are glue and I so understand the fears and the worries instilled in their head and I wish I could say it got better but it hasn't. Not yet anyways, we need teachers who want to to teach who are not there cause it works for them for now, no! We need your passion and faith, we need to shift from complaining to being grateful. You have a job you have food and a roof over your head. Kids are not perfect but you don't know what's going on so cut them a break already,

The whole children should be seen and not heard is as old as the notion freedom  Fifty five
.... FORGET ABOUT IT ALREADY

JUST ENJOY YOUR LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME, LISTEN TO HOW FAR WILL I GO NY ALESSIA CARIA AND SAY WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME I CAN TAKE IT, WE CAN. I PROMISE THE CONSITENT BAD TURNS INTO GOOD IF YOURE WILLING TO BE OPEN TO SEEING THAT. 

set your  intentions 


Remember everyone loves an underdog ;)

Love
Dorothy

11/11/16

I had mentioned to my girlfriend I wanted to get a tattoo of a paper airplane and she looked at me like I was whacky, which is not unusual to be honest, but I could tell she was perplexed. 

"A paper airplane?" A friend actually gave me the idea and I didn't hesitate at all, that's how I know I have made a good choice. Sure, I can  be impulsive, but this wasn't that feeling. Tattoo's in my personal opinion are forever imprinted memories, meanings, principles or values; expression of art or words, good times, bad times, significant people, places or things. It's almost like once it's there you have to carry out that legacy, whether that means implement a change of self, understanding, self discovery, or maybe it's the will to carry on. 

 Thanks for making mine come to life, Curtis 👏🏻🙏🏻💕

 It just so happened that the time he had available was on 11/11- Veterans/Armistice Day, remembering the fallen and the alive, as at some point or another you sacrificed yourself for our country, our safety, our democracy. My grandfather James Hubert Smith was apart of the war at my age, 24, earned the silver cross in flying, as he faced the enemy in the air. I never met the man, but I know he suffered mental and emotional grievances that were never spoke of, or understood and understandably so. It's 2016 and I still get the face of "wow, chill out" when I try and speak my truth. 

Anyways, these symbols that are dear to my heart 🕉But first, let me address the photo of #Veterans Drive. I found myself lost in an unfamiliar town and my maps lead me to this street. Ironically I had my two minutes of silence before I left and I oddly found myself emotional. I just started crying, but with pride and gratitude. That was a real moment for me. 

My paper airplane represents the notion that when we let our planes go, we let them fly and there's no telling the heights they can reach, but a low is inevitable. However, we have the capacity "to pick ourselves back up" (survive). It begins with us, but we need the support of others too and with enough love and faith from ourselves & those who support you, you're on your mission🎈 it's in dedication of my Grandad James who was a fighter pilot during WWII and survived. Remember how I accidentally ended up on Veterans way?⚡️jjkj

hoW

chang

How does that just happen? I was 30 minutes away from home in Stratford and of all roads, Veterans Rd. It's like how I have one mentor in my life that is a male (other than my father)and the night I met him he disclosed his suicidal past to me and in that moment I knew he would remain in my life as someone special and he has. He came to my graduation at Laurier and is always checking in on me, one of the few men in my life I've met who hasn't tried hitting on me, but rather see's me as a daughter who he respects and cares for. 

His name is James. Jim. 

I would think any mature person would know that trauma and feelings are a part of everyone’s life, and that a life without trauma is a fairy tale, while a life without feelings is barely a life. My beliefs are my own and they stem from my gut. My intuition and my willingness to believe. (Somewhere over the rainbow just came on)

When you're sober, you find a plethora of things to hold on to for encouragement and support, coping mechanisms or tools. The meetings I attended had a Dorothy, "But for the Grace of God," and combine that with the knowledge and insight I have acquired from Grail and then my own research; FAITH in the spirit is a beautiful thing. Everything happens for a reason and is not by chance. Today, I've grown to fully accept that in all my transitions throughout my life, I was there to learn a lesson and hopefully pass it on. That's what I'm trying to do anyways. 

Last year I spoke to the Ontario Council for Exceptional Children audience of Mental Health, education, wellbeing and this year I tackled the Miss Universe Canada stage.I have faith in myself again, more than ever before. Why? I feel like I have acquired so much alone time that I no longer see it as loneliness, it's freedom. Freedom to do things I am meant to, even if that means navigating through heart ache. My power of communication is flourishing and I am so freakin' grateful I got here. 

That's one of the scary things with depression and anxiety is the fear of "will I get out of this?" or "will it be back again" "oh shit, is this my depression worsening?" BUT BEING AWARE IS THE FIRST STEP! My depression and anxiety feelings were increasing because I wasn't honouring myself or my feelings. I just sat in a puddle of mud hoping I would feel better one day, until I couldn't. This brings me to the Lotus...

A Lotus Flower has it's roots in the mud at the bottom of streams and ponds, but it grows to be the most beautiful flower despite it's origin; symbolizing how humans can also overcome obstacles and flourish🌷 (#growth and #spiritualdevelopment too, but isn't that obvious? 😇😉 )

This is exactly where I am supposed to be and I love that I got to ink myself to remember these messages. Theres absolutely no telling where life will take you when you're open to improving yourself and what is around you as a result. 

Love, Dorothy xo 

Fake Love

To the squeamish, the ill -informed individuals, though I know you'll always be there, I get that I don't post a lot about golden retriever puppies with sparkles. German shepherds maybe  (same thing in my eyes; on a Saturday morning you might read a post or repost that is tough to swallow and I understand. I've had people react on my posts and I will respond, but it's not much confrontation or assertiveness as it is, how do I put it...

You're tude is cool keep it, CANT and won't control it, but I'm trying to be apart of a movement with the rest of those who are aware and aren't putting their judgmental, stigma causing blinders on. We're taking action because we purely believe to the core of our heart that we need to STAND UP, SPEAK OUT AND REACH OTHERS ,whether through personal experience or a loved one, BECAUSE our stories matter. They have the capacity to save a life, do you understand how amazing that is? We may never know but that's not the point, the point is that person is still here and likely doing what they can to prevent the next girl or guy 

Don't hold back, friends 🎈💕

My girls

To young girls and women alike, the broken hearted, the mending, the recovered, the undecided. 

You don't need a man/woman. You need a good friend who will teach you you're amazing on your own and the only reason to seek outside attention is because it seems like the universe is putting it in your lap. When you read those quotes that say "don't chase after love" it's serious. You cannot force it.

As Cheryl Stray would say:

"Can I convince the person whom I'm crazy about to be crazy about me? The short answer is no. The long answer is no. There are so many things to be tortured about. So many tortourous things in this life. Don't let someone who doesn't love you be one of them. "

Let me remind you of something: 

You and I are two strong ass women. We have fought unique battles that so many have no idea about. You madam are fighting battles I never know about, and that's ok I wait for you to tell me. You are a hero. Certainly one of mine so those times you feel lonely remember that you do have love and in time you will have that one. You have to be happy with yourself first before you can really be happy with anyone else. Please don't be afraid to reach out with your fears and your anxieties because the irrational thinking of being alone forever is in fact a "rational" thinking pattern we fall into. But it's not the case, you are not unlovable. Your soulmate is out there, just need to start attracting those vibes, 

So start, paint! Start a new workout regime, morning routine, affirmations- seek counselling- I'm not one. Timing is everything. Everything happens for a reason. 

My ex Troy jumped right back into what he knows best and he will realize he is alone even with someone- that's what I faced but no longer. 

Even alone I don't feel alone and I never thought I'd see that day. 

Let me repeat that, that felt awesome 

Even ALONE I don't feel alone and I never thought I'd see that day- this day. 

I put on my rap and I feed myself. I work out for myself and go to school for myself. I write for myself and sing for myself. I choose daily- every choice is a product of my own self regard. 

Jay D ! You in the presence of a king scratch that you in the presence of a god. -Jay Z 

I'm proud. Proud moment. 

Have a terrific Tuesday 

Why SickNotWeak? I thought I'd share. #SpreadTheWord

In recent weeks I've been in contact with Michael Landsberg regarding his organization, SickNotWeak. The philosophies, the attitudes, the perspectives, those snap shot images with words so simple, yet so life changing in that moment; I love it. I remember the first time I heard of SNW it was because of their name. I thought "who ever branded that was a damn well genuis!" I have had the opportunity of going to one of their most awesome events here in Woodstock #SickNotWeakStock and on November 21st they are holding another event in Peterborough and I was asked to help with live auction items and I honestly am so thrilled. I then received this application email and I never take these lightly. They asked me 6 questions, why SN, why events, do you or someone you know suffer with a mental illness, can you drive. That's cool, but I went my own way and I thought I would share it on my blog because I share everything. It's my story told differently, with an aim towards reaching the reader in an empowering way. I want to be apart of something bigger than myself and I think I'm on the way... 

Why SickNotWeak

By Dorothy Colleen Rennie

 “One person can make a difference in this world, and everyone should try.” JFK

Below is a response to your questions regarding my volunteer position with #SickNotWeak This may be unorthodox or unconventional, but I wanted to demonstrate just how passionate I really am and that’s by telling my truth through one of my favourite methods of communication; writing.

Two and a half years ago I made a decision that would alter my life forever. Though, at the time it felt like hell I quit drinking to finally face the fears of my ADHD, depression and anxiety that held me back from living my greatest potential. Had I known what I know now, I would have tried advocating for others and myself a long time ago, but I’m making up for it as you read this. First, let me rewind.

 I was at Wilfrid Laurier studying communications till I got so physically and mentally ill I could not go to class. I felt like a failure, I was way too afraid to face the students, the professor and so I thought “cool, lets just try working from my apartment, while the rest of the student body goes to class.” As you can already tell, I was not thinking about what I needed or wanted, it was about how the outside, societal view and those expectations that kept me in this dark shade of “you’re not going to make it,” combined with my anxiety. Anxiety disorder is the umbrella of a wide range of anxiety disorders, but core characteristics being debilitating thoughts of worry and fear and the catastrophic thoughts of your future going no where. Who knew! Doesn’t that make some sense.

            I became very isolated and rather hopeless in this time, and not solely because of my illnesses; I didn’t even think about them or take them that seriously, but because I felt so misunderstood. My feelings in my head and my body were so real, yet I try talking to any teacher and it was “better get a doctors note,” which I understand, students take advantage of class all the time, I’m no angel. However, this task cost me money and traveling time and just anxiety ridden feelings consistently for simply asking for an extension for homework and then going to the doctor to say, “I need a note. Again” Trying to seek help in the counsellor’s office was no better, as that was a ticking time bomb given the lack of resources, help and time allotted. I was told I would be put on a waiting list and by then I wasn’t even going to be in school, it was summer. Till the day came where I was asked to leave after my first year because my GPA was not high enough.

Did I mention I never wanted to go to university in the first place? I wanted to go to college and study fashion, but I was told I couldn’t go to college until I got through university first. Familial expectations are hard to escape, so I did what I was told. Once I was asked to leave, however, I was ready throw in the towel but something made me appeal my case and I continued to study, switched programs and ultimately graduated with a bachelor’s degree in History after 4.5 years.

I took a lot away from those years, definitely understanding historical perspectives gave me lenses I was not previously able to comprehend and it was somewhat useful. For example, my father grew up after WWII and during these times it was “the personal is political,” or “be a man”—they had influencers such as Dr. Spock and not from StarTrek, the one who wrote about how to raise a baby and only referenced males, with the exception of the target audience being directed towards the female caregiver (mother). I walked out not liking what our world had come to and how we dealt with problems because from my textbooks it was all very violent and inhumane. Nevertheless, the most important lesson I took away was that in order to do great work you have to love what you do (and it was not history) and for some apparent reason I could not understand at the time, I loved talking about my feelings and emotions. I loved being able to support the sufferer so I did not settle to become a lawyer, I finally went to college to obtain some skills and certification so I could actually be apart of the youth development.  

Becoming sober provided me with the clarity I needed to really see, for the first time, what I wanted to do or the direction I wanted to head towards and that is mental health.  I know what it is like to experience the emotional components of a learning disability and that it doesn’t just affect your schooling, it affects all areas of your life. I used to think I was “stupid,” when in reality I just was not paying attention to what I wanted out of this life. I didn't recognize how many symptoms and effects that one disability could have on me. And those who struggle with ADHD often find they are clinically depressed and anxious too AND I'll bet its because similar to me, they do not understand and no one is informing them. 

 I could shovel advice out to my friends and they would say things like “you should go into counselling,” and I shrugged it off. I am now studying to become a child and youth care counsellor because those people were right. I am good at having this conversation because I understand. I empathize. I ooze compassion for those individuals who do tell me their story because it is not easy, but my goodness can it have a powerful impact. I love hearing peoples stories, I think they are so beautiful and bold in their own ways. 

I loved having in depth conversations about people’s life stories, as they were all so similar to mine but growing up we never got to talk about it. Whenever there was a problem, say my mom was having another alcoholic episode my dad called me instead of a professional because “we knew them all,” and I'm guessing that made my dad apprehensive of his status. On the outside we had this façade of a happy family that was healthy and whatever, but we were all miserable.  I liked to seek and find music I could relate to because it would inspire me in those moments of despair not to give up, to find a creative outlet like these artists where I can try and use my voice and become aware of what I was feeling.

What started out as a personal blog created on a whim on a Sunday turned into a place where my current social circles seek to relate on a constant basis and I am not afraid to admit that because I put my vulnerability out there and the responses I get back sometimes are just out of this world amazing.  (Thanks GUYS!) I just sit there wondering why more people are not doing this, speaking out, challenging the status quo, normalizing and humanizing these conversations, putting themselves on the line for a greater outcome than themselves. I'm proud to say I am now a voice that speaks out about what I experience both personally in my mental health and what I observe from an objective standpoint, I feel its in part my responsibility to do be that person and I do not take that lightly nor do I put pressure on myself, as this is my life. I am sick, not weak. 

I know there is someone out there who similar to myself has yet to recognize that these illnesses we face, we do not have to face alone. More importantly, they do not make us less than or different—they make us unique and altruistic, especially when we find meaning and hope in it all.  And in a world filled of celebrity exposure and how to be like them, I would choose myself over and over again. Why? Because those experiences made me who I am today and have provided me with the ability and passion to see that I have purpose, especially as a result of my illnesses. I want to be apart of a movement that allows future generations see just how incredibly super human they can be regardless of what we carry. We are warriors. We don’t need a cape, we do not need billions of dollars to make ourselves happy or change or be the prettiest girl with the best body because those are all external entities that have nothing do with our internal being and soul. Those things will not make one happy. We make ourselves happy and I do that by empowering others to believe in themselves.

This past January I applied for Miss Universe Canada on spontaneous whim thinking “maybe I could use my voice on this platform,” and I did. I might not have fit the Miss Universe criteria, but I was crowned Miss Congeniality and in my eyes that’s the golden ticket. I cannot dance for the life of me, but I gave it a shot—I am Sandra Bullock. I walked in a bikini in front of hundreds of people, though my entire childhood I was that girl who wore a shirt over her bathing suit thinking her baby fat was actual fat. The only reason I did this was for my younger self. I subconsciously needed to find that faith and hope in a situation I was so unfamiliar with; I’m a soccer player, going from cleats to 6 inch heels was a transition, I had a panic attack the day of, but I went for it. I didn’t give up.  Moreover, I was the only contestant who threw an event that did not coordinate with their charity, not because I am a rebel, but rather my mind got so excited the moment I heard “throw a fundraiser,” I just went right for CMHA and raised $2800.

(Then I found out I didn’t even have to do that! But I am glad I did)

I want to be apart of the events committee because I know I will add to your team. I know that my passion, energy and values are not far off from the rest of the team as even Michael claimed, “I just love the energy you bring to the issue that I feel so energetic about!  We could have a duel "Landsberg versus Rennie... Who brings the most energy?"” AND I WOULD! It’s on.

 We all instinctively know why we want to be apart of an organization such as #SickNotWeak we are building communities of people and bringing them together to find hope, meaning, good conversation, a hug, anchoring faith and love because they matter. Similar to the idea of not facing your mental illness alone, our communities cannot face this alone. Being in Woodstock now I am determined to raise the awareness and sense of a mental health community that cares, that is not afraid to be open and authentic knowing that we all share similar threads. Time to unite us all and I think it is my time to be apart of your team. I hope this non intentional essay demonstrates a glimpse of that.

Old Diary Entries..

But understand whatever it is you "resolved" that 'thing' will have the resolved again and again. 
You come to know things only by the wisdom of age and grace of years.

Most of these things will have to do with forgiveness. Trust Me.

I remember exactly why I wrote this... I had just lost my pup and I was contemplating my relationship. I knew that I had wanted to cut things off, but when I lost him. I didn't know how to feel properly again. Everything shut down for a bit. I'm not sure sometimes if it has fully turned back on, as I catch myself falling for things and people that I know are pointless. I care. 

At least I don't mind being alone all the time anymore. Its honestly a blast. 

So do it. Decide. 
Is this the life you want to live? 
Is this the person you want to love? 
Is this the best you can be? 
Can you be stronger?
Kinder? More Compassionate?
Decide.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
And decide #MeredithGrey ⚓️ | the superhero deliberately selects to focus on technology of super-human potential as much as superhumanly possible