Hahaha this looks good...

I swear I didn't give up after 6 days! I WENT TRAVELLING! Basically. To Bancroft where I didn't use my phone or computer unless I took a photo every now and then...it was freaking awesome.


Naturally, after every trip. The tools and calmness I currently have leaves me with little energy to tell...but boy do I have a tale about this trip's experience.

I am so incredibly grateful that I get to witness the dramatic and real shifts individuals make when they are willing and wanting to be open to change, but coming from within. And understanding the body is just a physical structure that holds our spirit....Our energy. Release the religious dogma.


Good things are happening, friends. I am learning like no other and not just in school. About myself, my strengths, which have been small but ever so mighty lately (i don't discredit anything i do anymore, that's just not cool)! For example: living on my own and I got so sick one day that I began to get super dizzy and the only seat I could find was the toilet so I'm sitting there and it worked out cause I needed to *******don't read if you're eating..........don't worry it's not # 2 (EWWWWWW!!!!) over it.





my tummy didn't feel well and my mouth threw up... SORRY IF ITS TMI BUT REALLY, I WAS SICK. ITS HONESTY, SORRY IF IT OFFENDS ANYONE.


I was scared. I had no one and no one was around...thankfully I called my friend Carly. I ASKED FOR HELP IT WAS GLORIOUS! AND IT WORKED!


I can be alone. I can bear what seems unbearable. We can handle so much more than we think we can, but we need to take care of ourselves. In every way. Mind, body and spirit and I won't stop saying it! I have seen it and felt it on my own, fortunatley, and it is just amazing what's out there if you're really willing and wanting to change... We need to look deeper within. The root of the problem. I'm not saying forget doctors, I'm just saying there is not one way.

anyways,
keeping it short tonight! Mom is coming for a sleepover. YAY!

Good night my friends.
Love yourself.
Know you're worthy.
Honour yourself.
Have hope-- even when it feels so bad, know that something better is on it's way.

Love,
Dorothy

FIGHT BACK DAY 6

FEELIN GOOD

oh man. What a day yesterday, but not enough to surprise me anymore you know? I was so used to being "shit on" metaphorically speaking that at this point: hit me with your best shot, fire away.


I'm over it. By "it" I mean, taking this stuff so seriously. This whole "fight back" has been quite the time. A full on fucking roller coaster in so many realms of my life- health, family, relationships, school....But I did it. I did it all. I got through it all.

Someone from my past said to me yesterday "Keep pushing. You're Strong and lots to offer the world" And with no hesitation this was my response:

"I know I do. Trust me, more than ever I have gained insight into my purposes and gifts. I'm blessed and there's nothing that can change that. 

But I can't describe the pain my heart feels sometimes, it's insanely painful and unfortunately it is so that it affects my whole body. And I'm alone now and have been for some time and I'm killing it. I'm strong. But when I'm weak, my fucking goodness (sorry for swearing, again) am I weak. Like to ask you what I did I just sat there and couldn't believe myself I've come so far. 

Self inflicted or not, I have felt so much pain and so much loss this year alone. I lost my best friend and my dog and it took me a long time to really understand that those events happened to make me stronger- so I can bare the unbearable. It doesn't make sense in the time but I'm pushing. 

My ego has got in the way of a lot of things, and by ego I mean trying to search for and through people to heal myself. It's up to me. 

So, to Jonnie, I just want to say I was wrong, I know. I'm sorry. Agree to disagree on love...

I FEEL LIFTED. I have done some emotional "vomiting" as I like to call it AND I GOT MY HAIR DONE! 

I put a little blonde in it and I like it! Always fun to change it up. 

I have been so sick lately it feels nice to feel good in my looks at least...pathetic but true. It's been a hell of a ride this week, let me enjoy it.

I've been loving doing me. I'm vision boarding, painting, dancing, walking, meeting new people, exploring and finally doing what I want because I want to...simple as that. I am not trapped, I have goodness in my life. I am grateful for so much, especially Grail Springs where I am going tomorrow for a very special week! (Couple days... Healing first)

HOW CAN YOU NOT BE GRATEFUL WITH A PLACE LIKE THIS?

THANKS UNIVERSE

LOVE

Dorothy

Moms know best...

Remember how I found my exs bed sheets and pillows in our apartment the other day? Right before my meeting..thank goodness.

I love my mom. Hahahaa

She makes me feel better 

And then 

I need to remember this: and so do many women out there cause this is the reality and I'm not against love or men, they're not all bad but I've yet to be proved wrong so through my experience and opinion this is what you get. Take it or leave it this is my blog of personal expression.

This guy was a hockey player. He had all the girls and all the tricks, though he had a girlfriend of 6 years he cheated on her with her best friend or something who he could never tell...you could tell he was all ego, super kind, but that's all apart of the charm and his fame "let me smile and be nice forever how can anyone dislike me" WELL YOURE THE LEAST BIT RESPONSIBLE! Even my dad had to be the one to tell me "make sure you're not doing all the house work," and that day I told my ex. The story of his ex girlfriends best friend...that should have been my clue when I got the gut feeling he did it to me too.... You don't disappear till 3 am with no clue as to what happened, lying about what girls were in your car and then give up drinking the next day for no reason for the rest of the time we were together...SORRY. I'm a realist.

TRUST YOUR GUT

Live and learn 

Love and lost 

It's always a lesson. There's no anger anymore. Just laughter. I've lost all respect for this person, but I wish them all the best. 

They will never find a love like they had with me. 

My love is so deep and I think it's fucking special. My friends know. 

That's all, it's on reserve for now. 

I'm not an idiot. We are not idiots. stop pretending we can't see through this bull shit

Who run the world? Girls 

Dorothy squared 

Fight back day 4

If you're better on your own and you want to let them know say yeaaahhhhhhh! 

Or if you don't have a choice. 

Earlier in these posts I spoke of a new boy. I haven't heard from him in 3 days and anyone who knows me knows communication is my bitch. 

I even had to take it as far as to read a note from my studies regarding how important communication is to break the silence of ink acknowledged pain. Everyone deals with things differently and that's that. I am so in love with school that that's ok to focus on. 

I have this gut feeling that I'm "ready for love" and by that I mean I want to find my best friend. The next time I find myself in a relationship I'm not screwing around. (Sorry boys, I bet 99% of guys reading this just went 'omg she wants to get married," NO! I just want a companion and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Who wouldn't want to enjoy spending their time with someone they love and laugh with? I love my girlfriends but I need that male reality kick in my life--like my brothers gave me my whole life. Almost like I sit back and go "girls...." My brothers raised me to be a cool chick. I get along with the dudes! I'm not cooler when I say that I know. 

I want to find that someone who enjoys their life and lives it, and allows me to live mine but ultimately wants me apart of their life, that whole inclusion piece. I want someone to be interested in what I'm doing, I mean it's child and youth care and mental health. People cringe when they hear these stories but they're happening in your backyard, just wake up and see. You won't find this in a TS bank canter. You'll find the parents maybe...

Material is never easier to hear. I'm genuinely thankful for my history background because it's like the prerequisites for these courses. They all have a historical perspective and context and when, say for example, we discuss why Trudeau is fighting so hard for Bill 43 regarding corporal punishment against kids by parents or caregivers, teachers. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE HAVE TO GO BACK AND FIX THAT? I mean I can, I know there's a load of unknown and long forgotten laws but it ignites that passion where i just stand up and I can't help but say "YOURE KIDDING?!" What in heavens.. And you wonder why no one is happy. Children are the second most discriminated population in the world. The first being LGBTQ. 

It's too bad we can't accept and love people for who and what they are; they're quirks, perfectly imperfect flaws that make them individually beautiful and unique. 

In other news... 

I've been stepping out of my "comfort zone" in terms of trying to manage emotions and switch up my scenery, listen to advice therapists gave me over the years I never tried, dancing in my underwear, ALONE! As the reality is most people don't want forever they just want the pleasure. 

I'm worth more

I deserve good. I've worked for good. 

I hit the gym twice again but lightly, as I am still sick so I need to be careful. 

I've been invited to a wedding on Saturday and I hit Grail springs Sunday. 

SO LUCKY FOR ME I GET TO HEAL! In my haven with my favourite person ever, Sabaina Malik- old boss whose become family and is my sister/mother. I can't wait to see my horse Natasha. AND WE GET TO BE with some pretty cool people, influential one might say... I'm not even at liberty to say who. 

K so I have to tell a funny story because fuck it I'm 24 turning 25 I'm living this life of what do you do next and I've done nothing for a while. But nothing I mean I brought up I had never had tinder and was looked at like I just told these people "what's and iPhone?" Like sorry, I was in a relationship for years and then I guess I didn't feel the need. Still don't. 

BUT I TRIED IT! For less than 4 minutes. I had to see what it was like and I'll tell ya, it's so unnatural and weird.. I just felt like I was left swiping for fun. It wasn't because these guys aren't great I'm sure they are but bro your 14 not 24, enough with sunglasses, and frankly I don't trust ANY of you HAHAHAHAHAHA! 

as I said I wasn't looking for my husband but why even bother? FOR ME! 

I know friends who have had great success on tinder and I'm genuinely happy for those people. Maybe it's my location but I put the speedometer at 160 KM AND Toronto is only 126 hahahah! I do my research. 

Just another day in the #LifeOfDorothy 

Complex, emotional, hilarious, weird and totally natural.

Riddle me that 

Happy Thursday all 🙏🏼🌷

Love, 

Dorothy 

Fight back day 5

These are out of order but whatever. 

This is for today -Friday September 23, 2016. 

Emotions are not facts. so feel them but don't define yourself by them. They change. They move. They transform. Hang in there.

Boy oh boy was yesterday a day full of tears. Like the uncontrollable kind I sat there and even said there's nothing in my mind but they were just flowing...my hearts been broken a few times and this time I feel it more than ever before. Maybe because there was no warning it was just shut out and shut off- and j thought breaking up over the phone was bad, now I understand the women who say their ex just didn't say anything. I never understood that! But now I do. It's ok. Everything happens for a reason no matter how painful or messed up it seems, I'm over being sad for myself I'm just sad. I'm tired of people coming into my life and making these false, not even promises, but ideas in my head that they'll be in my life and they disappear. 

They're so close and then complete strangers. I think it's only natural we feel so hard. We spend so much time working we forget to live and breathe...

Just keep loving. It's what I'm good at. I'm not closing my doors. I've just put massive walls up again and I have that right. I don't need anything or anyone right now. Love is awesome because I love love! I want to laugh and have fun but it's not something I need. 

I am noticing that I'm just living the life of a single 24 year old girl. My program is so mentally and emotionally consuming that naturally that doesn't help. 

For example: name 3 personal traumatic experiences and explain why, who should you stay away from? 

I list them. 

Name 3 personal experiences of child abuse or neglect indirectly or directly. 

....directly..... I  Write them down. 

Oh and your friend doesn't want to talk to you. Shake my head "explain why"

It's that easy.  

But what's wicked is that I'm making progress with school and can ignore the heart. 

Music is my best friend and consoles me. 

OH I FOUND OUT MY "Chinese symbol" is a panda and ironically I sleep with this panda blanket and have this massive Panda pillow that I hug when "I need a hug," I'm very self sufficient- I FOLLOW MY GUT LIKE A BOSS.

So much is happening around me that is still so beautiful and good. Mentally and physically I may not be my best but I've blogged more, tried harder, I make meals for myself, I dance in my zen den, I'm getting my work done, I'm calling my parents, I've been to more meetings on these past few Sunday's then all of shimmer which is amazing. 

Again, intuitively I knew I'd need those memories and lessons of selfless love in my memory bank. 

Remember you're loved and worthy of love. 

Nothing in this world is too tough for us not to overcome. History proves that whether you believe it or not there was some form of fight and survival 

I wrote this angry the other day: maybe some will resonate will these feelings... They're just thoughts. 

But I am enough. You're enough. 

Love , 

Dorothy 

So 

Fight back day 3

Oh man. 

People are confusing. We are not good with communicating with each other when it's important, or at least men in my life aren't. (Sorry guys!) you are great. 

I've gone through hell physically and back. All the love bubbles being thrown around and then retracted, thrown out and UH NO! Gotcha! Kidding. This isn't happening. 

I would tell you, but I honestly can't haha it hasn't happened since I was maybe 3 and I'm not exaggerating. It sucks. It can be funny for a minute but it is the worst feeling and all the emotion that goes with it is exhausting. I hate being this ill for mental emotional stress so I'm not doing it. Or I'm trying as you can see, I surrender, I'm fighting for my life. 

THROW YOUR HANDS UP! I had so many conversations with myself yesterday about letting go and releasing, I have no choice. That's life. 

In other news, It's amazing ever since Sunday I don't think twice about T. Don't even want to say his name I just don't care for that energy it's so impure. 

"Hope you are well," no you don't so just shut your mouth and stop already. No one goes to your old apartment to "move things out" only to leave your entire bedding which includes sheets, duvets pillow, pillow covers and there's not a piece of furniture in there. I bet you had some great conversations!!!! 

I told a third party this story and pretended it wasn't me and even they agreed the disrespect is so obvious, but in their eyes it means they're not actually happy. If you feel that need to rub your new life in people's faces that's cool, but are you happy? It's sad because I don't even fish for this information. People call me- they go out of their way- to tell me things like "yo he has a snap of them eating ice cream, he doesn't even look the same as when he was with you" and the best line yet sorry, "she looks like she drinks all day" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHSHAHA

IM ONLY LAUGHING CAUSE I KNOW WHAT THAT COULD DO TO A GIRL! And our looks... Yikes. I haven't taken the time nor do I want to to go out of my way and find these pictures or see them. I have the exact same ones from a few months ago. Literally. 

There's one where my friend made a collage and it's true- the way he looks at me compared to her- HUGE. She'll get it. My family and I were everything to that kid. I'm sure she is wonderful though. 

It's nice but I don't have time for fakes, so "here's your document" (didn't realize I was in a divorce)  I don't need to say anything, silence is a strength. WHEN NECESSSARY. 

Leaving people you love in silence or ignoring them is never ok. It happens all the time but I won't stand for it, sorry. 

I've come to realize I need emotional availability. Crazy right? 

But seriously. Enough of this "you'll be ok" "I'm sorry to hear that" BE LIKE MY BEST FRIENDS OR BETTER. 

Last week I forgot the importance of keeping my mind on the right track so I printed out my inspirational quotes and have them all around so I am never left "alone" with my thoughts. They are wicked. 

I picture people shit talking me in the worst ways and how I feel like I'm laughed at by the people I used to love...but that's my head. Is that reality? Maybe but I don't know so why sit there and believe it. 

My program reminds me that I have SERIOUS purpose. 

Let me give you an example of the individuals I work with and their reality. 

One young girl brought into this work by her 2 parents. 

Mom decides 5 years into it she doesn't want to be a mother and deserts the child and dad. But not before she has a son of course.

So there's Dad, Daughter, son. 

Dad needs another woman and remarries. 

Son sexually assaults daughter 

Dad beats the living crap out of the son 

Gets sentenced to 2 years, wherein the daughter was receiving treatment. At 12. 

Dad gets out of jail, daughters out of treatment at 14-15, there's more kids at home- 2 step daughters. 

Dad sexually assualts 15 year old daughter, the one he protected before. 

What happens? 

Step mom kicks his daughter out of the house and chooses to try and help her husband, with 2 young daughters at home. 

That poor girl. That's who I want to come in contact with and ignite their world on fire, demonstrate you don't need your so called "family," as family is who you choose it to be. DNA is cool but that doesn't stick either. 

I get that people are sick. But there are people out there who have no bloody excuse for their behaviour and it makes me so angry. Why? Why the fuck do you have to be like that? 

You've gotta know that's the shittiest worst case scenario that's going to break that girl apart. SO WHY GO THERE? For her own happiness. The step moms. 

Just when I thought I had lost MY trust in males I'm slapped with perspective of just how immoral or unjust this world can be. How these people we call parents or loved ones are supposed to protect us but they are the most vulnerable to our hearts breaking. BUT I CANT LET IT RUN ME. 

I can't let these events whether directly or indirectly affect my view of the world, the system (for now) career or result in compassion fatigue, which is burning out from suffering too much empathy as workers and the detailed realities of our clients and ultimately, developing PTSD or a form of it through vacations trauma. 

You can give up or keep fighting. 

I'm determined to keep fighting. I have moments of despair like any good solider but it's all about what you make it. 

I can sit in bad and feel sorry for myself but I've done that before and that gets me no where faster.

To Sabaina and Heidi: thank you. Thank you for your endless love and support in my life and through these times. Even when I haven't wanted to be heard, be seen, explain, you've worked with me and I can't thank you enough. 

I was once gifted a blanket. It's a panda with the date January 27 2014 "you in the presence of King scratch that you in the presence of a god" Jay Z. I went to that concert and that was the date. Most importantly, that's my moms birthday and the day my dog died this year. 

That song is called crown and when I think of the crown I think of the chakra, divine love, connected to the wisdom of the universe, trust my intuition, cherish my spirit, open to letting go of attachments, my life is moving with grace ...there's meaning in everything. 

That's a whole lot of goodness despite the cards I've been dealt. 

"Fears your only God"

I'm not done 

Love, 

Dorothy 

Fight back day 2

I

Colleen. 

Colleen Colleen Colleen. 

Iron cape is on. Ready to let go of any relationship that no longer serves me and stand up for myself. 

Fuck I let a lot of things go. 

But my sanity is suffering. I let people walk all over me and I don't even realize it. 

Money has always come before me. 

I'm done living by that...

I want to be someone's priority not their after thought. I don't need someone to tell me to look at what I have versus what I don't because I practice gratitude on a daily basis. 

This person should know that, more importantly that if they could use someone inn their life it's love. You push your family and friends away. Been there done that, doesn't get you anywhere. 

I already decided that this is my life, I'm responsible and in charge for my happiness and ultimately I had to be the one to say hey, what do you think? I'm getting stronger because I have to not because I want to. I have to protect myself. 

I've become oddly good at it. By oddly I mean really good at saying this is your life your happiness and no one can do that for you. 

I'm giving up the fairytale. Not because it doesn't exist but because I have to be my own god damn prince and I'm ok with that. I've got this undeniable fight in me currently that refuses to settle. 

I can't even miss class! I try and my body and mind are like nope! Not this year kid. 

I think because I finally recognize that a lot of the stuff people get upset about has stuff sh!t all do with me. I just happen to care or say something at the perfect time! 

Oh your shitty manager didn't show up again. Your horoscope said something about that. But ya! Yell at me and ignore me. Good call! 

Deal with your problems people and stop pushing them to the side. 

I'm trying and always have been and want to be supportive. 

Is that too much to ask? Or try? 

Lay off me then. 

I'm changing my life one day at a time and if you can't see that or want to be apart of it, that's your funeral. Romantically or friendly! Who shows up in times like this and who doesn't. 

The people you surround yourself make up a huge part of your biological makeup. Make sure you're treating yourself right ❤️