Why

"What's your why?" 

Probably the most important question when facing any life decision or choice, but when it comes to donuts and my closet I have no good answers. 

However, I do have one for why I have stepped into this unfamiliar world of pageantry, a stage, an organization where emotionally and intellectually intellegent women are everywhere you look. Same with Miss Universe Canada last year, they're all so freakin' smart, funny and KIND! I thought it would be a harsh setting, but I LOVE MY MUC girls and you all know who you are, we all stood on stage together and competed with love, passion and purpose. 

It wasn't until the other night after I heard one of my modern day, still alive influencers spoke about one of Canada's best organizations SickNotWeak and "Why" he started it and why he continues to speak out and share: and my ear/stomach/heart/body/existence came to a halt and I got it; I TAKE MY MENTAL HEALTH FOR GRANTED IN THAT "my sickness, my poison is someone else's medicine." 

I have a voice that can influence, change and maybe even save lives because the stigma towards mental health and mental illness still exists. It exists in the ways we treat and talk to our loved ones who are sick, "maybe you could just suck it up for 2 hours," "count your blessings, everyone has bad days, you'll be fine." "We all get anxiety." 

Fair. I appreciate those statements but until you reach the darkness and understand that feeling of "wow I do not know how much more of this I can take, no one understands me. They won't even listen to me when I'm telling them I don't understand. But I feel a constant wave of sadness, I'm constantly tired and my body hurts." 

We're not making this up. In university it killed me to have to tell me professors about my mental illness because the loops and holes I had to go through to get a 1 day extension was almost never worth it. So I waited till the last day till I was finally in stitches about it; during this time I tried taking my life twice. I can identify with those students from the university of Guelph. The SIX THAT HAVE TAKEN THEIR LIFE THIS YEAR. 

3 of them, their families and friends didn't even know. That could be any family in Canada right now and yet half of us still have this invisible wall of ignorance in that because it's not a physical illness like Cancer or MS it's seemingly "less than," it doesn't receive half the merit it deserves because these are people's BRAINS, THEIR MINDS. They have FEAR in them. And that stops them from seeking help because some family tradition believes you're a "tough man," BULL DIGGITY! Men haven't been given the chance to feel their emotions and I think a man who can be vulnerable is incredibly sexier and wiser than the boy who thinks he can just rise above. 

I'm not ashamed. I'm not disgraced by the mountains, hills and valleys I've climbed to turn my demons into my friends and understand my feelings. The word "Grace" has become one of my 4 words to live by and if you look up stigma one of the associated words is DISGRACE; should anyone feel a neurological condition is disgraceful please message me and I'll gladly explain the differences. 

I'm a mental health advocate. I stand up for those who believe they're not worth it because I've been there and now I'm back here with purpose. Guess what? We ALL have it. So yes, my purpose, my why, is to demonstrate that yes mental health exists. I like SO MANY, LIKE BASICALLY EVERYONE THESE DAYS, battle and fight like a warrior to keep myself alive and it's not as easy as taking a pill and calling it a day. 

So long as stigma is alive, the barrier continues. The hopelessness continues...

It took me 42 minutes to write this and a Facebook post because this morning I woke up with purpose and I'm just walking on my treadmill writing this out and I am on fire in my soul, the best kind ❤💕❤💕🎉❤❤🎉  

Unknowing

Dear Unknowing,

#1 LIGHTEN UP! Welcome to the conversations of the day, the ones where "happy pills" are considered a complete and total insult, so you're hella lucky no one has slapped you out for that, because if pills were that magical, well, I wouldn't be sober from alcohol would I? Do you think depression would have taken as many lives as it has if we could pop something that made our day totally fantastic all the time? Regardless of your sincerity, as I know we joke a lot and I am very sarcastic, I would drop this before someone drops you.

I have to write to you today about a comment that threw me so off guard. While I understand you have no logic on the subject, experience, you're a "total guy," my glory do you know how to rip open someones heart. And hey, to each their own. I don't expect anyone to understand or to support me, but I also don't need your understanding if you don't understand. Just don't give your opinion, as you went on to do, just acknowledge you have no f'ing clue what you're talking about. You were right, you will never win. Just kidding. I'm trying to move on, so take this with a grain of salt. 


I was talking to a male friend about this purchase I made, which happens to be for my future-one-day kid that I bought at St. Jacobs one day. You see, he is handy when it comes to wood and I am moving. In my packing and what not I came across this wooden piece of mine that I finally noticed had 0 done to the back so I told him I wanted him to help me fix it. "You don't have a kid" and he is right. So I went on to explain a bit more....and didn't hear back till today. And this is what was said:

Fair: He does have no idea. So here, let me give you some personal insight and maybe save another person from an incredibly unexpected upset. You're allowed to feel this way, again, but I'm still shocked that was the first thing said.

You're familiar with grieving right? The process of grieving? It's an individual process to each and every person on this planet. There is no right time or wrong time for loss, even if "you choose it," as I we never expect these events, and it can be a numbing experience. I tried taking my life the year after and finally was like K GIRL SLOW DOWN your life is on the line here. So why did I act like this? Like most I have values, morals and beliefs that, suddenly at the age of 21 I had to consciously choose to go against and it broke my heart. I didn't know what I was doing, I had little support because who are you going to tell? The clincher comment I'll never forget was my mom being upset because that was her grandchild too. That comment made me sick emotionally and physically.

I'M SO FAR FROM WHERE I ONCE WAS, LIKE TODAY CONGRATULATING MY COLLEGE MATE FOR HER SECOND PREGNANCY AT 20! I'm so happy for her because she wants this so bad!
It's like alcohol, there are babies everywhere and I was wide awake the whole time. That shit doesn't leave your brain.

As I've grown older, surprisingly. things have affected me in an incredibly painful way. You learn so much more when you're not some drunk, stupid 21 year old who was trying to drink herself numb to this experience. Everything I did, everywhere I went; my ex boyfriends first nephew was the hardest experience for me in that I had no choice but to accept and love newborns in my life almost everyday. I had to hold them and love them and honestly it was so rewarding. However, I would hold that boy with all the love in the world and still selfishly in my head, yes, the sick part of me was thinking about my pregnancy. How none of it was a happy experience. The fact that it was a 20 day process I cannot forget because regardless of the circumstances you grieve. You grieve incredibly hard to the point where you don't even know who you are; "How the F did I get here?"

My ex boyfriend living in Halifax got me pregnant and neither of us are ready for this....CURVE BALL

It's not like that for everyone, but it was for me and I cannot apologize for that, but I can apologize for bringing it up. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I think you're super rad.

I was told by my therapist that turning off that emotional place; the place where it hurts to hear about pregnancies and thinking "what the fuck did I do?" it's important to remember that was not my only shot at motherhood. More importantly, move forward with hope and possibility versus just shutting it out, I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

I have maternal instincts. I aspire to inspire the youth. Kids make me the happiest person in the world contrary to so many people I hear who say "ugh. I won't have kids." I LOVEEEEE THEM!

I feel so much better typing this out. You have challenged me not to get upset directly at you because I understand you don't understand. Congratulations this is a Valentines Day Miracle, I am being kind!  You do try to make an effort to understand or at least recognize the upset AND SAY YOU'LL TALK TO ME IN PERSON should it be bothering me still! I'm capitalizing that because a lot more men in this world could use that page from his book. I appreciate you, you disaster.

I don't want all my life events to own my happiness or rob me of my days and for the majority of the time they don't, but on a day like today-- I gotsssssss all the feels hahah! Your mom is your valentine, you get it. (We're so lucky though!)


To the understanding, the kind and the compassionate. I thank you forever and always.

Dorothy xo

Happy VALENTINES DAY!

AHA! Just because I am not in a romantic relationship does not mean I am not celebrating this day of love. As John Mayer would say, say what you need to say. So I'm gonna write WHATEVER and likely thank those that I love

Thanks to Facebook I had some lovely memories stream through and I cannot help but get all nostalgic and sappy. I get that it's some what of a hallmark holiday, but when given the chance for the world to celebrate love, I think we'd be crazy not to celebrate! And I do truly have a lot to be thankful for, as I might not have a man telling me he loves me, but I told myself this morning.

When I love someone or something, it's no joke-- even my little sister will tell you I "love everything, what don't you love?"Stuff! But I love humans even the ones who have put a tiny mark on my heart.

So, when that someone or something goes missing or is no longer apart of my life, I really feel a void. I cannot stand hostility because it eats away at my stomach. I struggle with abandonment and a need for protection and too often I have forgotten that the only person who can truly do that is me, though, my reactions do not always come across that way; I get so confused and scared I react like I am losing the person to death or as though I've done something to make them never want to talk to me again (catastrophic thinking). I forget that compassion and forgiveness, two principles I live by, exist and that I am not the only one who possesses those beautiful traits. More importantly, there are men out there who are genuine and authentic with their compassion and rather than forgiveness, acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, who we are, where we are, why we are the way we are...They challenge me by putting their compassion before their egos and I have to let my guard down.

Recently someone said to me, "There's no winning with you is there?" Hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost even reacted to that but instead I just backed down and said "I'm super sorry." #HELLFROZEOVER I am so quick to defend myself it's concerning. I do not own the worlds problems, I don't know why I can get so bent out of shape but I think it comes down to justice, tolerance and self worth. Justice in that, I am so fed up with anything but love and that's the tolerance piece but I also have to be tolerant of other people and who they are, what they have to say or share. I am very tolerant, but in previous romantic relationships, especially concerning their job, I was having none of it.

RSPS are only so interesting for so long. But in all honesty, I believe that my ex boyfriend is capable of so much more than what he sold himself for. That was definitely a deal breaker, he sold himself short and I don't think his heart is in it, but that is so far from my problem. He is smart, talented, charming and wise in topics that are unusual; like space! Now, I love space. Before I couldn't comprehend why on earth someone would care. That sentence is funny and I didn't mean to make it that way, "why on earth" (just me? got it) ...So randomness ahead..

 Troy, if you read this: Thank you for the 3 years of valentines, though I paid for lunch year 1, took you to Vegas year two AND made a box full of goodies, and last year....well, the rest is history haha! You'll always be my elephant shoe.

To my brother: Thank you for letting me crash in Montreal the years prior, as anytime I wanted to go visit him aka party with my friends from McGill it just so happened that Valentines was a good time to go. Killed his wheels, but his girlfriend supports me.

To Lauren: I am dying of laughter already typing this. Couples massages in Collingwood and I fell asleep right near the end, snoring and naturally I'll never live the memory down but my goodness that killed me. Just one massive snort to wake me up hahaha! Then we went to Cabo..tried getting 40 pesos (oh my goofballs) then I remembered I had yet to order Chris' v day pizza till right before we boarded. Good thing. That's the one person I don't care to talk about anymore, which is fantastic. I don't say this maliciously, but that person doesn't exist to me.

The pregnancy was basically Mother Mary in my eyes, you had nothing to do with it. Anyone who thinks they "don't owe you anything" after an experience like that because your 21 year old, pregnant and emotionally messed up ex cheated on you, do not waste one more breathe or tear on them just let me write this. You don't have to like me, but to tell me you don't owe me anything and your girlfriend to say it's irrelevant? There are days where I wish I went through it so you would have to pay child support and then MAYBE you'd have a real reason to be mad. Those are Dorothy's fightin' words because I think about it every day of my life just not negatively anymore, but irrelevant? I think you forgot how babies were made, it takes two connections not just one, but that's the cowardliness and the inability take responsibility (it happens).  Responsibility is a hard trait to find in men, sorry, taking responsibility for their words or actions.

I am guilty of this too, not pointing fingers. I am in recovery its like the manual of "how to take responsibility for everything in your life without making excuses," it's super hard. But when you care enough about someone and remove some emotion from it, you realize people are worthy of compassion and kindness no matter what.


You see, you go through shit and you live and you learn. Hopefully. I mean, we are always learning but you learn more about yourself and what you don't want, what you do want, what you refuse to tolerate, the signs, the motives and the warm heartedness.

Losing my dog last year was so hard, but I have come to see that there was a purpose for it and I find great solace in that. I don't care to explain what it is, as it's special to me. But I know he is up there with my baby boy. Yes, my son. They watch over me. There's not other way I could have gone through what I have without some support I was "blinded" to.

In my own efforts of strength and love I have been able to influence others to do the same and champion their own journeys and it is so fucking incredible to watch. Sorry for swearing, but #StickBoi for example, buddy, you're killing it. I love that you message me with updates about how many months clean too because it reminds me the excitement of making it another 24 hours. I WANT IT! SO I GO FOR IT!


BUT I HAVE TO SAY THANKS TO SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOVED AND ACCEPTED ME FOR SO FUCKING LONG THEY DESERVE AN AWARD:

Paige Goloubef - Ketchup- I love you and miss you every day. I miss our stupidity in risk taking daily activities but I guess we had to grow up. Thank you for being there whenever my heart broke, especially the times you gave me tough love in knowing I deserve better given some circumstances.

MOM AND DAD: I owe you my life.

Sabaina: My Canadian Beyonce without the twins. I don't know where I would be or who I would be, honestly you have stood by me and watched me grow because you believe in me. You have always believed in me and my abilities, even when I'm crying in bed and don't believe in me, you do. I love you forever and always.

My brothers: I am both sorry and thankful for you two. I am sorry for scaring you and hurting you, you're both my forever heroes, even if you're making fun of me. Thank you for accepting me in all mt forms, I know it has not been easy.  You have kept me alive, though I used to get upset you never called me while I was drunk, you introduced me to music-words- mantras that to this day I live by and confidently at that. I immediately put myself back in the blue Acura with Garrett or the black one with Evan; blasting music that many people at that time could not comprehend as appealing but it wasn't about that. It was the therapeutic aspect and my goly is it strong. I was just telling mom today how everyday I have to have music playing in Woodstock because otherwise I would be all in my head. Switching it up to the Greens or Boys Night Out- brilliant! or TAKE A LOAD OFF ANNIE!... or 5:44 into Led....AND AS WE WIND ON DOWN THE ROAD OUR SHADOWS TALLER THAN OUR SOUL THERE WALKS A LADY WE ALL KNOW..

Carly: You are an angel. A walking angel. It blows my mind how we became friends and have come full circle. Your bagel saving, your laughter and overall personality make me feel I can be completely myself and I love that. There's no better feeling.

Aisha: My scorpio sister, meeting you through Carls was a blessing. I dont even know where to start. Maybe when Carly told me you liked crystals but at that point all you had was a rose quartz #rookie I love you so much. I cannot even put it into words. I have known you my whole life, I just know it. Your wisdom is straight from 111

J bird: You taught me some seriously challenging lessons like giving up control, learning to look at what I have versus what I want. You are my wizard healer. I eat and feel better, and your love is never ending and vice versa. Lets go feed the horses at Grail!

Grail Springs, Mychaila: I need to find a new word for you two. Love just doesn't cut it


This valentines I am rejoicing in all the love I do have around me and how grateful I am to still be able and willing to give the love that I have to those who, similar to myself, are unfamiliar with the ideology of unconditional love.

This Valentine’s Day, with the astrology looking quite calm, it’s a good time to remember that love is love is love and that we should celebrate ALL the love in our lives, romantic or not. 


May you be filled with love and abundance today!
Love
Dorothy

Action Reaction / Love

Since when was the dating world/being single so gosh darn complicated?

I've come to conclusion once someone makes my blog, even though their name is not exposed they know who I'm talking about it and I receive messages like "take me off your blog," or "I'm grateful you didn't use my name," and I can totally appreciate that. It's scary how the written word can have so much power in today's society. I never thought of my blog as a potential weapon, but the reactions from some of the "men" I've called out, priceless. I have to remind myself "what is the action that lead to this reaction?" OH RIGHT! YOU MADE THAT COMMENT! And now I want to write about it because I know I'm not the only one...(cue Sam Smith)

I have all right to discuss what I want, sorry. That is the world we live in today. However, never in a million years would I ever go out of my way to hurt someone on here. I bring realities to life, the messiness and try to make sense of it all. Like how naive I can be when it comes to love. But where do we draw the line? Between keeping going or "giving up" and I'm all for DONT GIVE UP! LOVE IS LOVE! I'm as hopeless romantic as they come, but I'm laughing at myself and the scenario I find myself in. That's why I also share because I know I'm not the only one. I have an inbox full of messages from my friends about their relationships and honestly, right now is a shitty time of the year for all people.

You need to listen to your gut. The one that says no matter how irrational and cray I might seem, if the person is really worth it, if you can feel that in your soul DO NOT GIVE UP.  If your heart can't stop you'll be miserable trying to stop it, go with the flow, but don't let anyone treat you like shit or disrespect you. Don't lose your sense of self in the process. You deserve the same treatment as you would give, if it's not reciprocated, walk away. You know your worth, I know mine but I am not living up to it, till now.
 When you mess up, be prepared to live with the consequences. How else are we supposed to learn? That's life challenging you through your own demise, which is how we rise.

LADIES: Be strong. Be yourself. Don't back down.


This whole wrist slapping reprimanding is a JOKE. Have we lost our self respect and I include myself in this? Or the constant questioning "should I text him or leave it?" "I feel like he.." YOU CANNOT ASSUME HIS EMOTION. But you can do what you think is right for yourself, take that risk, walk away or do something that makes him feel like "shit, this is real." YOU ARE AS REAL AS IT GETS AND DONT FORGET THAT!

DO WHAT YOUR HEART FEELS IS RIGHT AND STOP LISTENING TO THE BRAIN. The littlest things go such a far way, be grateful for all the lessons you're being given from life experiences as the bad and brutal build you for the bold and beautiful; remember these feelings, this state of mind is only as temporary as you want it to be. The sadness, disappointment, anger; remind yourself who you are and the simple fact alone that you can address these emotions and not want to hide in a hole (you might, but please don't) thats courage. That's using your heart to do something really brave even though you are not prepared or wanting to do so. Read a book and let your mind escape in it. Write your own!


It is all to easy for people to forget that behind every person, every soul, every human is a story. Not all stories have been fairytales, which is evident given the rates of depression and loneliness. But we have all the resources available, not all accessible, but love is out there.

Trauma is a real thing and I think our society forgets how many of us have experienced that and so the simple ignoring of a text or maybe the avoidance of what someone perceives to be a waste of time, explore that. Time is a human made invention and we all are deserving of ears and people's time. I don't tell the guys I meet about my trauma and it doesn't hit me till the 11th hour that I'm not just suffering sadness, it's the compounded emotions that go along with it. That's where, personally, I find myself struggling the most. And what does that mean? I have more work to do on myself. I honestly do not like that idea as much as the next guy because I want to believe I am over things and that things or people don't hurt me. I can put on a really brave face/mask/shield; I make an amazing Martyr. I want to believe I don't have to talk about my ex boyfriend still and how seeing his girlfriend comment on the photos of my...his..their...nephews "my dudes" and my heart is sensitive (shocking, i know) and it thinks "that was just me! I loved those boys with every bone in my body and now Uncle  CoCo is just dead."

Truthfully speaking my self worth took a dive. It wasn't too bad, but I caught myself listening to the opinions of someone who spent maybe 5 hours with me in total in December of 2016, but continued to tell me nice things, I went along with it and then I realized nothing about it felt right; I get lost in my emotions, I felt alone and I question why did I let that person in? "I was just beginning to feel like my diamond self and now I feel like buried treasure." Ultimately, its up to us. We can throw as much blame as we want at other people but they aren't and cannot clean up YOUR mess.

Our messes are beautiful tapestries of life events. No two people should experience the same or there wouldn't be the beautiful diversity we see everyday. Fight for what you want, but know when the time is right to give up. When your heart says, "that's it."

Surrender.
Let it be.



Love Dorothy

Share

It has been said that people gain maximum growth both through personal sacrifice of learning and teaching or sharing of personal life experiences.

I couldn't agree more. It can save lives or influence people. THATS my goal. I want to help relieve others of their pain and suffering. If I can do it, you sure as hell can too.

Courage over Bravery

I remember my ex boyfriend saying to me once that I needed to remember who I was and not just my online presence. At the time I thought I thought that it was valid information, I was putting so much of my efforts, willingly and happily, into my advocacy, volunteering, making impact and sharing that he seemingly thought I forgot who I was; who we were. It's so amazing to have the clarity I do now to look back at those times and think, "I'm pretty sure I was growing and trying to show the world my process for the simple reason that I felt disconnected in recovery, in my career, in my lifestyle. My ex certainly could not relate to what I was going through, though he tried.

 If I could give him advice now it would be that I wish you had just sat by my side more and let me know you know I am struggling but it's ok. Just let me cry. I pushed you away, physically, because I just wanted someone to understand the feelings I was feeling were not  so much me as they were my illness. I told you that, but you told me I couldn't "blame" everything on my illness. I didn't. I was battling war fields. I just wanted you to sit by my side or in another room even. Not find a solution. Not call or go visit my home where a lot of my energy at that time was being sucked out of. Moreover, I didn't choose this. Not in 1000 years would I ever choose this, but it is what it is and while I am sorry I was mean and hurtful at times, I am learning. I am getting better. I am getting way stronger. And way calmer. Why? Because I have faith in myself and abilities, I am no longer that scared Colleen thinking "will I ever make it? what if I'm alone" I am never alone but living alone has been fantastic. 

But you see, I was confused as hell. I needed time to figure out what was real in my thoughts and what was not in terms of what did I want from my life? What am I willing to do to go after it? I'm very happy to say I have a great idea as to what that is and I have been using my courage ever since to discover that. Courage is from the heart, it's allowing your imperfections to be apart of you and expressing that. I'll never forget the last day I saw you in our apartment and I thanked you, book in my hand, for all the lessons you taught you both good and hard. You sat there and smiled and accepted it all, failing to mention you already moved on, you had a new girlfriend. One who is the complete opposite of me; blonde, short, from the U.S., a figure skater or something? 

I must admit that it made me both happy and sad she was nothing like me; happy because you'll never find a girl like me, no offence though she seems lovely I cannot say a bad thing about her, I'm a savage warrior goddess; I felt sad because, it took you no time and not to mention I heard and now know what was going on for all those months prior, I was just a fucking joke to you for 3 years. However, I'm grateful for the time spent. You're not a horrible human, just lack integrity and deceny. "My bonuses didn't come in properly" i don't know anything about money but I knew that was bullshit the moment you said it. Who messes up a bonus? ITS YOUR BONUS. It could have happened whatever. The point is I was courageous in using my heart and brave in that I continue to speak about it but with my head held high and all the grace I can muster because it's relevant. So many people my age are going through this yet no one speaks about it (here's grace: just want to say thanks for the heartbreak m&%her f%^ker, I turned it into art). That was three years of our life. 

vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty

noun

1. the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. 

brave

brāv/

adjective

1. 1.

   ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.

cour·age

ˈkərij/

noun

1. the ability to do something that frightens one.

   "she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"

   • strength in the face of pain or grief.

     "he fought his illness with great courage"

Since I can remember I have been known to google the definition of the word(s) I am speaking to for speeches, essays, posts whether to ensure I am using the right context, though if you're writing about a certain topic you hope the person has a clue about it, but more so I can visually put it into frame of mind. I can look at the differences or spot them myself. 

As many of you know, my first podcast to ever be recorded was debuted yesterday and it was totally exciting. Yet, I was a ball of nerves the entire day. I recorded it in December and forgot what I said, but more importantly my voice/name/story/recovery was now accessible to the entire world. Yes, my blog is too. But it's different. Both are vulnerable times, but I can write about vulnerability till I'm blue in the face. Talking about it is challenging, but incredibly empowering. Too, in order to allow ourselves to fully connect with ourselves and humanity I feel like we need to experience vulnerability in a myriad of ways so we are able to show compassion and connect with others. 

In order to be vulnerable you have to be willing to take risks from time to time, like speak your truth to an audience, break your own heart, drop your program for your dream job; all of these events take us to use our whole heart. "Follow your heart not your stupid brain" best quote I read the other day. I used to go with my head versus heart WHY DENY OURSELVES JOY OR HAPPINESS! I am not afraid to be the first to say I love you or take a willingness shot at something with no guarantee.

That's what I do. I am a messy storyteller who tries to make sense of the messiness and the world around us. But I can't just put my helmet on and go into battle, I have to use my sword and maybe put it to use a couple times despite being totally incapable of holding one. If I believe I can, I can and I will. I'm no different from you except that I am me. In other words, don't be afraid to be excruciatingly vulnerable, as it's really the birth place for all things fun and wonderful in our lives.

So I just wanted to speak on a vulnerable subject and then outline what it is to me and say thank you. 

Thank you for being open to my vulnerability. Thank you for giving me feedback whether good or bad because I'm going to need it for the rest of my life. Thank you for listening to my podcast even if you didn't make it all the way through. Thank you to those who shared it and a massive thank you to anyone who really took a message away from it. THATS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT! 

And thank you to the current people in my life who have made these past few months hella worth living. 

Love, 

Dorothy 

If you don't know, now you know

https://www.drugrehab.com/podcasts/


Thank you to all those in my life who were able to make this happen...I'm so humbled. I cannot believe this is real, but to those who listen. Thank you.

Love is Not Disposable

To All My Single Souls: You have got to believe you are worthy of love, that whatever relationship you aspire to is possible, as are the associated attributes or traits you are willing to receieve and reciprocate (except for those individuals already in a relationship, that's not a risk worth taking). 

Start with baby steps, what is the feeling you're chasing? What does that look like? (find a video or movie to inspire this feeling, I found my today ironically) link here: https://vimeo.com/29285965

Who is it that can make you laugh till you cry and forget about everything that made you mad in the first place? Who drives you to want to become a better person, not one day, but in your everyday life? Who do you want to share that with? After a long day or maybe a not so long day, who do you want to spend time with? For me, who can I just be level with and be myself, love and be loved for all that I am and all that you are. Tolerance, acceptance, passion, compassion, harmony, forgiveness and love.  

Write it down. 

[Intro: Conversation between a man and woman]

Woman: I don't think there's a word for what that is!

Man: Actually there is a word for that, it's love. I'm in love with her, okay? If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, it's love! And when you love someone, you just, you don't stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy
Even then, especially then! You just, you don't give up because if I could give up, if I could just, you know, take the whole worlds advice and.. and move on and find someone else that wouldn't be love! That would be, that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for!


I didn't hear from you, yeah
Not a fucking thing from you, yeah
Lay here in bed thinking about HIM
Loudest silence that I ever heard

Yeah
People say they gon' change, but it never happens
And we go back to old ways and old habits
A N* just so used to getting reprimanded
I had to hear the silence just to understand it, woo

Since you been gone it's been a lot of silence I forgot
[Outro: Conversation between a man and woman]

Woman: I can't shake it, I-I-I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense

Man: But love doesn't make sense! You can't logic your way into or out of it! Love is totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else... we're lost and-and-and-and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. I know that sounds cheesy but it's- it's just true
You love Barney…
And he loves you…"


I found this song and I had to share the lyrics because it gets me thinking every time. According to my favourite sit com sister, the intro and outro is from When I met Your Mother? But it's dead on!

I recognize now that I am one beaming light of love, as even my "sister" said to me "who and what don't you love Coll? Even when you don't love something, you find a way to and say 'k no that's mean,' I'm sure....," which is so true, but I'm trying to set a good example too (didn't catch on their so swiftly haha)  Sometimes I wonder if that's why I'm not meant to be with one person, not in a promiscuous way, but that I am not meant to be held down so I can expand my reach of love to so many young people and communities. It's powerful stuff. I PITY THE FOOL WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH ME! (just kidding, I will love you so much) 

I believe in the universe, divine timing and guidance. I read a sign the other day that said "If you're looking for love, Stop. It will find you when you are doing what you love," so I am going to keep on keep on doing what I love and I have faith that this old soul lovin' will find/finally make the jump with someone I know. It's exciting. Endless possibilities or is he standing right in front of me? WHATEVER! 

I'VE  GOT WORK TO DO! FEED YOUR FOCUS STARVE YOUR DISTRACTIONS. LET LOVE FIND YOU! 

Mental Health/Ilness and Drinking

Tomorrow is the day my first podcast will be released with a group from the states I've had the pleasure of networking with through my participation of speaking with the American Addiction Centre. 

Telling people I don't drink has often been a conversation starter or ender. I am rarely faced with rude interactions, maybe in my first year because everything was rude and frustrating. I was angry. Angry with myself; how did I let myself get to this point? The point where I couldn't just drink here and there no I had to cut it out all together. That didn't scare me as much as losing my social circle. I lived and breathed for my social life. At the time it felt like the only good thing we as a society had going, parties music festivals, obliterated to the point of a mental escape of just "who gives a f!ck!" and sometimes high on cocaine or mdma, especially in order to celebrate everything and anything possible. 

Right there !!!! I didn't connect that being able to come up with 1000 reasons why I could drink versus why I should not should have been my first clue. Or that eventually drinking went hand and hand with my cocaine use;only in the evenings, to "help keep me awake while partying." Anyways, I'm not going to talk much about it because you'll hear it tomorrow. I don't even remember what I said, as the pressure of being their first podcast speaker was subconsciously there (versus being drunk so how bad could it be?)

In the MEAN TIME MY amazing friend passed this article on to me and it speaks to so much of what I'm about to say tomorrow, from my own experiences. Too, I believe that so many of us suffer and truly do not realize the consequences of alcohol or that making a change isn't all that bad...

https://i-d.vice.com/en_gb/article/why-its-time-to-take-drinking-seriously-as-a-mental-health-issue

"why it's time to take drinking seriously as a mental health issue

In an age where most people are drinking to excess, it can become difficult to tell who is just like everyone else, and who is really struggling.

"Sometimes I worry about my drinking, but if I have a problem, then so do most people I know. Alcohol is embedded in our culture; we have completely normalised problem drinking, to the point that sobriety is a suspicious idea. In a study by the World Health Organisation, 28% of drinkers admitted to 'heavy episodic drinking', well above the global average of 16%.

We have a drinking problem. It is recommended that we should drink no more than 14 units per week - but who actually thinks about how much that is? As a friend of mine told me when I was writing this, "a lot of my friends drink way more than recommended allowance of a week on a single night out, and I do the same. if no one is being sick or getting hurt then it feels like there's no problem with it."

At 21, I gave up drinking completely for two years. I had entered a vicious cycle - I was miserable and anxious and the only way I knew how to calm myself down was with a drink. But when I started, I couldn't stop. I was blacking out regularly - both with other people and at home on my own, and by the time I stopped my idea of one drink was a glass filled with neat gin. The guilt and shame of the hangover left me needing another drink, so it would begin again. I had been vaguely aware that my behaviour was out of control; the situations I was getting myself into were getting darker and scarier, and I was no longer enjoying myself.

I normalised frequent blackouts, puking and humiliations. After all, I was no worse than anyone else, and outwardly at least, nothing was going too badly. Ultimately, I found it hard to understand anything was wrong, because whenever you do something you regret as a result of drinking, there is always some kind of a social reassurance that 'we've all been there', and people are rarely called out on how worrying their actions truly are. A friend of mine, now sober, said; "I think there's definitely societal pressure to continue drinking even when you know it's passed a certain point and become something destructive, especially as a young person." Interestingly, when I was sober, I often ended up feeling as isolated and alone as I did when the hangover guilt was most cruel.

Heavy drinking is linked to depression, anxiety and even psychosis. Despite the fact that my mood was spiralling out of control and even a psychiatrist was telling me I needed to stop, I denied that there was anything wrong because at my age, I couldn't possibly have a problem with alcohol. There is a real lack of understanding that anyone can suffer with drinking - you can be young, old, rich or poor and you don't have to be sitting on a park bench or even drinking every day - as Drinkaware says; "There are varying degrees of alcohol dependence and they don't always involve excessive levels of drinking." My decision to stop was generally met with support, but also with some suspicion and confusion- people would constantly ask whether I was sure and suggest I learn my limits instead.

At times, I felt like a pariah. "You sense that people are judging you… the path of least resistance, weirdly, is to carry on drinking," another sober friend agreed. When violence, vomit, losing your stuff, passing out, having sex with someone you don't remember become normalised, ironically being sober is considered the stranger. "In certain situations I've genuinely felt slightly outcasted for not drinking… I have to go out of my way to prove how normal I am," the same friend, sober for four years, added.

The NHS recommendation of 14 units per week, which is about 6 pints or 7 glasses of wine. But who can keep track? Drinking is everywhere. We drink to celebrate, we drink when we are sad, we drink to relax - we drink at any excuse.

Interestingly, it's often harder for girls. Another study by the OECD found British women are more likely to get drunk than in any other Western Country, with chief executive of 2020 Health Julia Manning, telling the Telegraph; "It used to be that women and girls in this country would be ashamed of being drunk, but now this ladette culture has taken hold. We have ended up with a situation where young girls are really concerned about seeming cool - yet they don't care about being seen vomiting in public." I certainly agree that there is a bravado to drinking to excess - a friend recently told me, "I respect people who can have a couple and go home, but I find it difficult to do. I want to be the last one there."

It's clear that we need to do something about this endemic problem - but what? Awareness seems like a start, given that people are blind to the danger drinking brings. In a 2011 study, 7.5 million people admitted they were unaware of the damage heavy drinking could be doing to their health. We are all vaguely aware that drinking can damage our livers- but what about our minds? According to Drinkaware, "if you drink heavily and regularly you're likely to develop some symptoms of depression."But in an age where most people are drinking to excess and wearing their war stories like badges of honour, it can become difficult to tell who is just like everyone else, and who is really struggling.

It is important to realize the link between anxiety, depression and alcohol - whether you drink because you are anxious, or you are anxious because you drink. We need more awareness that alcohol affects our mental health as well as our physical health: while we may be enjoying ourselves, alcohol is also a depressant, and in our binge drinking culture, admitting that alcohol is affecting your mood is brave, not weak."

Credits

Text Lily Rose Thomas 

Opportunity from Tragedy

Thank you DrugRehab.com for this opportunity. I wasn't always chosen first in gym class, but I'm honoured,humbled and super proud I was chosen as your first podcast speaker.
I hope my story inspires and encourages individuals in demonstrating that, you got this life, even if it takes a downward spiral, go with it. It's a journey inward where we find our true selves. #BelieveIt#NoShameInThisGame #Feb7

Opportunities arise. Manifestation works but be willing to take a risk 

January 27th. 2017. Dante came to visit...Thanks buddy

Inspiring Irving & Understanding

What are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? What do you need to make it happen?

The Globe and Mail released an eye catcher of an article yesterday in their mental health section and WOW am I digging the raw honest truth: 

"Irving family’s fortunate son explains how he fell into a dark depression, and rose again.

He was the scion of New Brunswick’s wealthiest family, a seemingly successful executive working with his father to oversee their dynasty. Below the surface, things were different.Erin Anderssen talks to Kenneth Irving about his descent into darkness, and what he lost and gained along the way."

This blog post is not just going to repeat what information Anderssen achieved, but I hope to be one of many who has taken this piece into serious account for the truth that it is, from a male perspective, who has every access to health care opportunities they could ever need, even, understand it and learn a lesson and maybe teach a lesson. I also want to share the lessons I was given insight to, or reintroduced to. The bolded areas I would suggest paying extra attention to as those are my main talking points and what I can identify with to accurately explain my understanding. And hopefully the readers will understand a bit deeper too!

"C. Irving was well known for being frugal and a teetotaler, characteristics that he impressed upon his three sons, J.K., Arthur and Jack, who would each focus on their own fiefdoms in the empire. It was a formal family, one in which emotional indifference was viewed as a strength, handshakes stood in for hugs, and deference to elders was expected. Problems, business and personal, if they were discussed at all, stayed inside the Irving fold"

Kenneth was well-respected, seen as a modernizing, innovative force within the family’s third generation, an Irving with a worldly gaze and big plans to expand and diversify the energy business. But in the wake of his leaving Saint John, there were also whispers that challenged that narrative. Whispers that Arthur Irving, reluctant to fully cede power, had been unhappy with the business direction that Kenneth was taking, and fired his son. That there had been a fight over money. That the stress of the job – and all that went with it – had caused Kenneth to suffer a mental breakdown. But those are pieces of the tale, patched together from fragments of truth to quilt a tidy narrative."

There is a much darker version of these events, one Kenneth Irving has never told before. He is offering it now, in part, as a cautionary tale about waiting too long to seek help for a mental illness. You may wonder about that: What can a man as rich as Kenneth Irving say to those who have to wait in line for care, who can’t afford a full-time psychologist, who have lost their jobs because they were too sick to keep them, and don’t have a trust fund? To his credit, he is quick to acknowledge this: He’s not, he says, looking for pity.

What he seeks is understanding. He hopes that someone will see past the shiny objects that come with being born into the one per cent of the one per cent – the boarding school education, the private jet, the sprawling estate – and find a lesson in his story."

This is typical of families who have "status" of one kind or another, 'emotional indifference.' In my opinion, they do not want the public thinking they have a weak family life, they have personally made an error (how inhumane of them) or maybe one of their kids isn't living up to their billion dollar estate that was built generations before (like Irving). As I always say from a good women's study course/lesson, this type of thinking reminds me of the 1960s' when the ideology took the form of," The Personal is Political," or private is political. Stuff it in, you're strong. "Were you in Nam?" No, but my head can certainly feel like a war field. Not so much anymore, but thats a whole other story. My story.

Anyways, 

Growing up in Oakville, there was rarely a friend I would meet whose parents didn't have some sort of fancy job or practice; doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs of all kinds, real estate legends, you name it I was swimming in it. I was stuck in this bubble and it was all that "made sense to me," though I knew I didn't want to be that person who lived for their work and missed out on actual, living, breathing moments.  

My dad being a business owner himself would drive me around with him on weekends and introduce me to all these important people. It was tremendous for my communication skills for today and my ability to meet people or walk up to them with little to no hesitation (unless its bad energy). So, safe to say I was and am not shy of how the lifestyles of men who own businesses work. My father is 63 and still travels to England or the Yukon weekly. Sometimes he hits Vancouver (for the night) but I love my dad and I love that he is so passionate about his career/empire. He is an amazing human and has brought life to myself and my brothers in so many ways. 3 years ago I was not saying that, but I've totally accepted his path, as he is accepting mine. 

 I learned a lot of good from my pops, like shaking hands and eye contact, using my fork and knife at the dinner table. I'll never forget the remark made during my time in November at Grail Springs and I shook this gentleman's hand and he responded with "you must be in business with a handshake like that, what do you do?" I was so proud to tell him I wasn't in business, but rather I was a public speaker and a mental health advocate/who is now part of a wicked team called SickNotWeak where I get to advocate more and more with likeminded individuals!

My dad wanted me to go into business but because I do have a natural ability to sell things. I have his genes hands down and he always saw that ability in me. But I knew from a young age that offices and money/math/counting was not my jam. Not as hardcore as he does it anyhow. I am grateful for the journey I am on now, as it looks nothing like it did even 2 years ago. It's stories such as these that bring that remind me how important it is to live your authentic truth, listen to what your heart and soul says. What you love! Otherwise humanity may as well pack it in because we wont find happiness. 

"“The stress was tremendous,” says one source, referring to the difficult months in 2009 and 2010. “He’s running this huge, complex business, and he is being attacked by his family on every single issue. Like, even though we were performing well, we should have tripled the business. Nothing was ever good enough.”

What if not breaking down every day was good enough? What if having the ability to wake up and not want to smash your face in but rather feel a moment of joy was good enough? What if feeling was better than doing all the time? Some days I can be hard on myself and say I'm not doing enough because "no one works harder than" my dad, but my depression isn't eating at me and telling me to take my life because there's no hope. I feel joy, sadness, anger, happiness, excitement and live by enthusiasm because I took a risk on myself and my mental health (somewhat calculated). But chiefly I feel gratitude and possibility. Even when I hear comments about people saying stuff like "Colleen is so self obsessed, all she does is post about herself and what she thinks because she doesn't drink...." (this recently happened and I laugh) Well ya. I share because, similar to Irving, I want to spread and share a lesson and I hope people understand, but those who don't will make remarks like the above. 

Plus, I wouldn't say self obsessed so much as limited in my case studies. I can't speak for other peoples experiences because they are  not my own. I also think we grew up in a culture surrounded by drinking and we used that as a coping method so now what are we left with? Some seek therapy, but many would rather just have a drink. It doesn't work like that because it will come out and bite you in the ass like it did Irving. If you or someone you knows is struggling, please do not wait any longer. I found hope when I thought I couldn't and thats through my holistic healing, energy work and I promise you once that catches on with the rest of society (we're getting there) it will be a LIFE GAME CHANGER. But you gotta believe it. 

 Money is necessary. But money and success does not guarantee you a happy and successful life. The demands can be so painful you completely lose yourself or your loved ones, yet we keep throwing ourselves into these work situations that do 0 for us except provide financial security; which ultimately does what at the end of the day if you're the only one who is really hard pressed about it. You'll likely push your family members and friends away if its not a healthy balance or you're not talking about it thinking you're all and mighty. Sorry bro, vulnerability is the new strength. Yes, Irving loved what he did but it was built through intense and powerful patriarchy. Oh and the money/ pressure was pretty high too one might argue. I love how real he gets in trying to get people to understand that vulnerability of the mind and immense sadness, fear can hurt and eventually kill. 

SO, parents, kids, adults, LISTEN TO WHAT YOU WANT. WHAT YOUR HEART RACES FOR. The world does not need more successful people so much as it needs healers, teachers and peacemakers. Look at our world right now! We are repeating history and the moment I found that Trump was in the election I said that. Not thinking it would happen, but here we are. With that said, there are a lot of reputable sources that quote Trump or in general talk about his new policies, its almost concerning how familiar it is to what I read in my history books, especially about Nationalist Socialist parties.

I do not think war, fight, or cruelty will further develop our countries in any way. Similar to the way I felt about my program, we are adding to the problem so to speak. I respect, commend and side with all those who have stuck their necks out within recent weeks. Thats how change happens.  What is unsettling is the way we are sometimes expressing that message, we're spreading more negative and disturbing energies. Trudeau is killing it with kindness. Air BNB is killing it with kindness. And a lot more people are just open to being decent human beings, after all, we all have that in common. They are taking the opposite approach, kind of like how I diverted from my program so I could learn alternative methodologies and act as a kind disruptor in the world of mental health and awareness. Open the doors that have been shut on us so many times, warrior through using our passion because that flame rarely burns out.  That reminds me of how, sometimes, not so wonderful things need to happen and fall apart so good things can fall together. So maybe this had to happen for better things to arise? I guess we'll see. JUST HAVE SOME HOPE WILL YOU?

Its the key ingredient to anyones story, hope and love. 

What are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? What do you need to make it happen?

nothing. nothing so long as you believe and love yourself. inspiration, your authentic self and maybe a blog. 

"Kenneth wants this to be his story, and his alone. He sees the telling of it, this baring of his soul, as an act of independence, a way to heal, to be seen as an individual, and, he hopes, to help others. “I don’t want to antagonize anybody,” he says. “That people believe that I am sincere, that I don’t have an ulterior motive, is incredibly important.”

Once in Saint John, single and living alone, the dread grew stronger. “It was really rolling,” he says. “I was just getting up at night, feeling total despair, and not knowing who to talk to.” His fragile psychological state manifested as an irrational fear that he was physically sick – that he was dying, that maybe he had cancer, or even AIDS. Finally he saw a psychiatrist, who prescribed medication, which he took for a while, though it made his legs shake, his mouth dry, and working difficult. Looking back, he describes this time in his life, struggling to heal mostly on his own, as his “first real experience with loneliness.”

When people look at me like "girl you need to slow down," as I talk my holistic healing jargon I understand that it is a lot to take in. But I cannot emphasize how much it has changed my life and given me so much more to be happy and fulfilled by. I have been given this incredible opportunity to turn my life around in every aspect and more importantly I have the tools to heal myself now. THIS DOESNT MEAN I CAN SAY GOODBYE TO EVERYTHING ELSE. But it means I don't run out of hope, I am forever growing and learning more about myself and the world around me. I am not alone so long as I stick to my values and beliefs, but most importantly my intuitive feelings and psychic experiences. I am not ashamed at all anymore because I've experienced too much to deny this gift. It's cool if others laugh or don't understand, it just means you don't ride the journey with me. Same for anyone else/s non believers.  

You cannot survive in this world simply understanding surface knowledge of yourself, others and how this world came to be. I think about myself less and ask more questions, but yes my own social media will feature myself. Not sorry. I cannot change the world but like Irving I can influence it. Don't wait for your life to get better. "Find God but leave the dogma" I was told once good orderly direction. My name means gift of god, I reversed it to gift of dog haha! I love my dogs 

"Don't try and change the world. Find something you love and do it ever day. do that for the rest of your life and eventually the world gonna' change" Macklemore 

Thank god for Energy work and listening to my gut!

Who am I if I'm the person you've become? LOVE GROWING UP BY THESE GUYS!

HAVE A GOOD DAY LOVES!

DOROTHY XOX