I remember my ex boyfriend saying to me once that I needed to remember who I was and not just my online presence. At the time I thought I thought that it was valid information, I was putting so much of my efforts, willingly and happily, into my advocacy, volunteering, making impact and sharing that he seemingly thought I forgot who I was; who we were. It's so amazing to have the clarity I do now to look back at those times and think, "I'm pretty sure I was growing and trying to show the world my process for the simple reason that I felt disconnected in recovery, in my career, in my lifestyle. My ex certainly could not relate to what I was going through, though he tried.
If I could give him advice now it would be that I wish you had just sat by my side more and let me know you know I am struggling but it's ok. Just let me cry. I pushed you away, physically, because I just wanted someone to understand the feelings I was feeling were not so much me as they were my illness. I told you that, but you told me I couldn't "blame" everything on my illness. I didn't. I was battling war fields. I just wanted you to sit by my side or in another room even. Not find a solution. Not call or go visit my home where a lot of my energy at that time was being sucked out of. Moreover, I didn't choose this. Not in 1000 years would I ever choose this, but it is what it is and while I am sorry I was mean and hurtful at times, I am learning. I am getting better. I am getting way stronger. And way calmer. Why? Because I have faith in myself and abilities, I am no longer that scared Colleen thinking "will I ever make it? what if I'm alone" I am never alone but living alone has been fantastic.
But you see, I was confused as hell. I needed time to figure out what was real in my thoughts and what was not in terms of what did I want from my life? What am I willing to do to go after it? I'm very happy to say I have a great idea as to what that is and I have been using my courage ever since to discover that. Courage is from the heart, it's allowing your imperfections to be apart of you and expressing that. I'll never forget the last day I saw you in our apartment and I thanked you, book in my hand, for all the lessons you taught you both good and hard. You sat there and smiled and accepted it all, failing to mention you already moved on, you had a new girlfriend. One who is the complete opposite of me; blonde, short, from the U.S., a figure skater or something?
I must admit that it made me both happy and sad she was nothing like me; happy because you'll never find a girl like me, no offence though she seems lovely I cannot say a bad thing about her, I'm a savage warrior goddess; I felt sad because, it took you no time and not to mention I heard and now know what was going on for all those months prior, I was just a fucking joke to you for 3 years. However, I'm grateful for the time spent. You're not a horrible human, just lack integrity and deceny. "My bonuses didn't come in properly" i don't know anything about money but I knew that was bullshit the moment you said it. Who messes up a bonus? ITS YOUR BONUS. It could have happened whatever. The point is I was courageous in using my heart and brave in that I continue to speak about it but with my head held high and all the grace I can muster because it's relevant. So many people my age are going through this yet no one speaks about it (here's grace: just want to say thanks for the heartbreak m&%her f%^ker, I turned it into art). That was three years of our life.
vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty
noun
- the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
brave
brāv/
adjective
- 1.ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
cour·age
ˈkərij/
noun
- the ability to do something that frightens one."she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"
- strength in the face of pain or grief."he fought his illness with great courage"
Since I can remember I have been known to google the definition of the word(s) I am speaking to for speeches, essays, posts whether to ensure I am using the right context, though if you're writing about a certain topic you hope the person has a clue about it, but more so I can visually put it into frame of mind. I can look at the differences or spot them myself.
As many of you know, my first podcast to ever be recorded was debuted yesterday and it was totally exciting. Yet, I was a ball of nerves the entire day. I recorded it in December and forgot what I said, but more importantly my voice/name/story/recovery was now accessible to the entire world. Yes, my blog is too. But it's different. Both are vulnerable times, but I can write about vulnerability till I'm blue in the face. Talking about it is challenging, but incredibly empowering. Too, in order to allow ourselves to fully connect with ourselves and humanity I feel like we need to experience vulnerability in a myriad of ways so we are able to show compassion and connect with others.
In order to be vulnerable you have to be willing to take risks from time to time, like speak your truth to an audience, break your own heart, drop your program for your dream job; all of these events take us to use our whole heart. "Follow your heart not your stupid brain" best quote I read the other day. I used to go with my head versus heart WHY DENY OURSELVES JOY OR HAPPINESS! I am not afraid to be the first to say I love you or take a willingness shot at something with no guarantee.
That's what I do. I am a messy storyteller who tries to make sense of the messiness and the world around us. But I can't just put my helmet on and go into battle, I have to use my sword and maybe put it to use a couple times despite being totally incapable of holding one. If I believe I can, I can and I will. I'm no different from you except that I am me. In other words, don't be afraid to be excruciatingly vulnerable, as it's really the birth place for all things fun and wonderful in our lives.
So I just wanted to speak on a vulnerable subject and then outline what it is to me and say thank you.
Thank you for being open to my vulnerability. Thank you for giving me feedback whether good or bad because I'm going to need it for the rest of my life. Thank you for listening to my podcast even if you didn't make it all the way through. Thank you to those who shared it and a massive thank you to anyone who really took a message away from it. THATS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT!
And thank you to the current people in my life who have made these past few months hella worth living.
Love,
Dorothy
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