#1 LIGHTEN UP! Welcome to the conversations of the day, the ones where "happy pills" are considered a complete and total insult, so you're hella lucky no one has slapped you out for that, because if pills were that magical, well, I wouldn't be sober from alcohol would I? Do you think depression would have taken as many lives as it has if we could pop something that made our day totally fantastic all the time? Regardless of your sincerity, as I know we joke a lot and I am very sarcastic, I would drop this before someone drops you.
I have to write to you today about a comment that threw me so off guard. While I understand you have no logic on the subject, experience, you're a "total guy," my glory do you know how to rip open someones heart. And hey, to each their own. I don't expect anyone to understand or to support me, but I also don't need your understanding if you don't understand. Just don't give your opinion, as you went on to do, just acknowledge you have no f'ing clue what you're talking about. You were right, you will never win. Just kidding. I'm trying to move on, so take this with a grain of salt.
I was talking to a male friend about this purchase I made, which happens to be for my future-one-day kid that I bought at St. Jacobs one day. You see, he is handy when it comes to wood and I am moving. In my packing and what not I came across this wooden piece of mine that I finally noticed had 0 done to the back so I told him I wanted him to help me fix it. "You don't have a kid" and he is right. So I went on to explain a bit more....and didn't hear back till today. And this is what was said:
Fair: He does have no idea. So here, let me give you some personal insight and maybe save another person from an incredibly unexpected upset. You're allowed to feel this way, again, but I'm still shocked that was the first thing said.
You're familiar with grieving right? The process of grieving? It's an individual process to each and every person on this planet. There is no right time or wrong time for loss, even if "you choose it," as I we never expect these events, and it can be a numbing experience. I tried taking my life the year after and finally was like K GIRL SLOW DOWN your life is on the line here. So why did I act like this? Like most I have values, morals and beliefs that, suddenly at the age of 21 I had to consciously choose to go against and it broke my heart. I didn't know what I was doing, I had little support because who are you going to tell? The clincher comment I'll never forget was my mom being upset because that was her grandchild too. That comment made me sick emotionally and physically.
I'M SO FAR FROM WHERE I ONCE WAS, LIKE TODAY CONGRATULATING MY COLLEGE MATE FOR HER SECOND PREGNANCY AT 20! I'm so happy for her because she wants this so bad!
It's like alcohol, there are babies everywhere and I was wide awake the whole time. That shit doesn't leave your brain.
As I've grown older, surprisingly. things have affected me in an incredibly painful way. You learn so much more when you're not some drunk, stupid 21 year old who was trying to drink herself numb to this experience. Everything I did, everywhere I went; my ex boyfriends first nephew was the hardest experience for me in that I had no choice but to accept and love newborns in my life almost everyday. I had to hold them and love them and honestly it was so rewarding. However, I would hold that boy with all the love in the world and still selfishly in my head, yes, the sick part of me was thinking about my pregnancy. How none of it was a happy experience. The fact that it was a 20 day process I cannot forget because regardless of the circumstances you grieve. You grieve incredibly hard to the point where you don't even know who you are; "How the F did I get here?"
My ex boyfriend living in Halifax got me pregnant and neither of us are ready for this....CURVE BALL
It's not like that for everyone, but it was for me and I cannot apologize for that, but I can apologize for bringing it up. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I think you're super rad.
I was told by my therapist that turning off that emotional place; the place where it hurts to hear about pregnancies and thinking "what the fuck did I do?" it's important to remember that was not my only shot at motherhood. More importantly, move forward with hope and possibility versus just shutting it out, I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.
I have maternal instincts. I aspire to inspire the youth. Kids make me the happiest person in the world contrary to so many people I hear who say "ugh. I won't have kids." I LOVEEEEE THEM!
I feel so much better typing this out. You have challenged me not to get upset directly at you because I understand you don't understand. Congratulations this is a Valentines Day Miracle, I am being kind! You do try to make an effort to understand or at least recognize the upset AND SAY YOU'LL TALK TO ME IN PERSON should it be bothering me still! I'm capitalizing that because a lot more men in this world could use that page from his book. I appreciate you, you disaster.
I don't want all my life events to own my happiness or rob me of my days and for the majority of the time they don't, but on a day like today-- I gotsssssss all the feels hahah! Your mom is your valentine, you get it. (We're so lucky though!)
To the understanding, the kind and the compassionate. I thank you forever and always.
Dorothy xo
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