Thanks to Facebook I had some lovely memories stream through and I cannot help but get all nostalgic and sappy. I get that it's some what of a hallmark holiday, but when given the chance for the world to celebrate love, I think we'd be crazy not to celebrate! And I do truly have a lot to be thankful for, as I might not have a man telling me he loves me, but I told myself this morning.
When I love someone or something, it's no joke-- even my little sister will tell you I "love everything, what don't you love?"Stuff! But I love humans even the ones who have put a tiny mark on my heart.
So, when that someone or something goes missing or is no longer apart of my life, I really feel a void. I cannot stand hostility because it eats away at my stomach. I struggle with abandonment and a need for protection and too often I have forgotten that the only person who can truly do that is me, though, my reactions do not always come across that way; I get so confused and scared I react like I am losing the person to death or as though I've done something to make them never want to talk to me again (catastrophic thinking). I forget that compassion and forgiveness, two principles I live by, exist and that I am not the only one who possesses those beautiful traits. More importantly, there are men out there who are genuine and authentic with their compassion and rather than forgiveness, acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, who we are, where we are, why we are the way we are...They challenge me by putting their compassion before their egos and I have to let my guard down.
Recently someone said to me, "There's no winning with you is there?" Hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost even reacted to that but instead I just backed down and said "I'm super sorry." #HELLFROZEOVER I am so quick to defend myself it's concerning. I do not own the worlds problems, I don't know why I can get so bent out of shape but I think it comes down to justice, tolerance and self worth. Justice in that, I am so fed up with anything but love and that's the tolerance piece but I also have to be tolerant of other people and who they are, what they have to say or share. I am very tolerant, but in previous romantic relationships, especially concerning their job, I was having none of it.
RSPS are only so interesting for so long. But in all honesty, I believe that my ex boyfriend is capable of so much more than what he sold himself for. That was definitely a deal breaker, he sold himself short and I don't think his heart is in it, but that is so far from my problem. He is smart, talented, charming and wise in topics that are unusual; like space! Now, I love space. Before I couldn't comprehend why on earth someone would care. That sentence is funny and I didn't mean to make it that way, "why on earth" (just me? got it) ...So randomness ahead..
Troy, if you read this: Thank you for the 3 years of valentines, though I paid for lunch year 1, took you to Vegas year two AND made a box full of goodies, and last year....well, the rest is history haha! You'll always be my elephant shoe.
To my brother: Thank you for letting me crash in Montreal the years prior, as anytime I wanted to go visit him aka party with my friends from McGill it just so happened that Valentines was a good time to go. Killed his wheels, but his girlfriend supports me.
To Lauren: I am dying of laughter already typing this. Couples massages in Collingwood and I fell asleep right near the end, snoring and naturally I'll never live the memory down but my goodness that killed me. Just one massive snort to wake me up hahaha! Then we went to Cabo..tried getting 40 pesos (oh my goofballs) then I remembered I had yet to order Chris' v day pizza till right before we boarded. Good thing. That's the one person I don't care to talk about anymore, which is fantastic. I don't say this maliciously, but that person doesn't exist to me.
The pregnancy was basically Mother Mary in my eyes, you had nothing to do with it. Anyone who thinks they "don't owe you anything" after an experience like that because your 21 year old, pregnant and emotionally messed up ex cheated on you, do not waste one more breathe or tear on them just let me write this. You don't have to like me, but to tell me you don't owe me anything and your girlfriend to say it's irrelevant? There are days where I wish I went through it so you would have to pay child support and then MAYBE you'd have a real reason to be mad. Those are Dorothy's fightin' words because I think about it every day of my life just not negatively anymore, but irrelevant? I think you forgot how babies were made, it takes two connections not just one, but that's the cowardliness and the inability take responsibility (it happens). Responsibility is a hard trait to find in men, sorry, taking responsibility for their words or actions.
I am guilty of this too, not pointing fingers. I am in recovery its like the manual of "how to take responsibility for everything in your life without making excuses," it's super hard. But when you care enough about someone and remove some emotion from it, you realize people are worthy of compassion and kindness no matter what.
You see, you go through shit and you live and you learn. Hopefully. I mean, we are always learning but you learn more about yourself and what you don't want, what you do want, what you refuse to tolerate, the signs, the motives and the warm heartedness.
Losing my dog last year was so hard, but I have come to see that there was a purpose for it and I find great solace in that. I don't care to explain what it is, as it's special to me. But I know he is up there with my baby boy. Yes, my son. They watch over me. There's not other way I could have gone through what I have without some support I was "blinded" to.
In my own efforts of strength and love I have been able to influence others to do the same and champion their own journeys and it is so fucking incredible to watch. Sorry for swearing, but #StickBoi for example, buddy, you're killing it. I love that you message me with updates about how many months clean too because it reminds me the excitement of making it another 24 hours. I WANT IT! SO I GO FOR IT!
BUT I HAVE TO SAY THANKS TO SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOVED AND ACCEPTED ME FOR SO FUCKING LONG THEY DESERVE AN AWARD:
Paige Goloubef - Ketchup- I love you and miss you every day. I miss our stupidity in risk taking daily activities but I guess we had to grow up. Thank you for being there whenever my heart broke, especially the times you gave me tough love in knowing I deserve better given some circumstances.
MOM AND DAD: I owe you my life.
Sabaina: My Canadian Beyonce without the twins. I don't know where I would be or who I would be, honestly you have stood by me and watched me grow because you believe in me. You have always believed in me and my abilities, even when I'm crying in bed and don't believe in me, you do. I love you forever and always.
My brothers: I am both sorry and thankful for you two. I am sorry for scaring you and hurting you, you're both my forever heroes, even if you're making fun of me. Thank you for accepting me in all mt forms, I know it has not been easy. You have kept me alive, though I used to get upset you never called me while I was drunk, you introduced me to music-words- mantras that to this day I live by and confidently at that. I immediately put myself back in the blue Acura with Garrett or the black one with Evan; blasting music that many people at that time could not comprehend as appealing but it wasn't about that. It was the therapeutic aspect and my goly is it strong. I was just telling mom today how everyday I have to have music playing in Woodstock because otherwise I would be all in my head. Switching it up to the Greens or Boys Night Out- brilliant! or TAKE A LOAD OFF ANNIE!... or 5:44 into Led....AND AS WE WIND ON DOWN THE ROAD OUR SHADOWS TALLER THAN OUR SOUL THERE WALKS A LADY WE ALL KNOW..
Carly: You are an angel. A walking angel. It blows my mind how we became friends and have come full circle. Your bagel saving, your laughter and overall personality make me feel I can be completely myself and I love that. There's no better feeling.
Aisha: My scorpio sister, meeting you through Carls was a blessing. I dont even know where to start. Maybe when Carly told me you liked crystals but at that point all you had was a rose quartz #rookie I love you so much. I cannot even put it into words. I have known you my whole life, I just know it. Your wisdom is straight from 111
J bird: You taught me some seriously challenging lessons like giving up control, learning to look at what I have versus what I want. You are my wizard healer. I eat and feel better, and your love is never ending and vice versa. Lets go feed the horses at Grail!
Grail Springs, Mychaila: I need to find a new word for you two. Love just doesn't cut it
This valentines I am rejoicing in all the love I do have around me and how grateful I am to still be able and willing to give the love that I have to those who, similar to myself, are unfamiliar with the ideology of unconditional love.
This Valentine’s Day, with the astrology looking quite calm, it’s a good time to remember that love is love is love and that we should celebrate ALL the love in our lives, romantic or not.
May you be filled with love and abundance today!
Love
Dorothy
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