I'm Tired Of..

I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of all the little things that amount to big things that make me want to curl up in a ball and pretend I don't exist.

I'm tired of my anxiety creeping up on me and trying to resolve through physiological pain all throughout my body.

I'm tired of any one thing having the capacity to turn my whole day from good to bad. In other words, letting others control how I feel.

I'm tired of feeling guilty all the time. Even for the smallest things, like not being able to go see my mom because I've had to drive everywhere but to see her.

I'm tired of being frustrated with myself. It's an endless battle of "why didn't you just do this" or "how the hell did you forget?" because my mind is tired. I haven't seen my psychiatrist in 5 months. I haven't spoken to my therapist over the phone in 2 weeks because her computer is dead while she is away for months and months.

I'm tired of feeling "weak," like I did the other day and had to make my mother drive up here so I could try and make a doctors appointment. It takes a chunk out of my self confidence to simply exist in this world.

I'm tired of pretending I'm ok all the time, because I'm not. I'm in a much better place than I once was but I also feel like I'm letting things, people, slip through my fingers and one day I'm going to regret it.

I'm tired of feeling like "a victim," when I have been the one who drives myself to every doctors appointment, has been in control of my meds since I was prescribed them in 2009-- and that's a battle in itself when I have to go to the hospital just to get a piece of paper that they pull me aside for, after waiting 7 hours-- not even into a room because it's unnecessary. I wake up every day to try and maintain my mental health and somedays are harder than others, but thats still difficult for people to understand.

I'm tired of people mistaking my kindness for weakness. I will always be kind, but I don't tolerate any form of disrespect unless warranted (hopefully it's not)

I'm tired of some individuals closest to me not understanding the numerous places I've exhausted myself then looking at me like it's "my fault" or "i chose this" ....I had to because this is my life and no one is going to live it for me.

I'm tired of my stomach hurting because of my medication and people looking at me like I'm crazy for taking ginger gravol.

I'm tired of fighting for someone to love me the way I want to be loved because it's close to impossible. You might love me, but no one has ever loved me enough to demonstrate they want to be a still in my life. Someone who, like myself, is willing to work within the ebs and flows of life and not have it be accounted for day after day, last minute after last minute...I live one day at a time.

I'm tired of people not understanding that when I lost my dog, I felt like I lost a part of me because of all the craziness I have in my life, those 4 dogs have remained a constant, ESPECIALLY in the last few years. And that I miss him every day. I'm still heartbroken and it only reminded me of one other heartbreaking loss in my life...

I'm tired of feeling silly for messaging people from my past, because their my past and "treated me poorly," get over it! I have.  Everyone who comes into my life has meaning one way or another and I like to forgive. They've all taught me valuable lessons.

I'm tired of people telling me I'm "taking on more than I can handle," worry about whats on your plate, because everything on mine is something I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I HAVE THE FAITH THAT I CAN, SO LET ME TRY! If I fail, I fail. That's my lesson.

I'm tired of being the sister to two brothers who barely speak to me, I think the absolute world of them and I love talking about them, but I never hear from them. Sometimes Evan makes contact with me, but thats about it. (Sorry Garrett, it's the truth!)

I'm tired of knowing I let this all go on and to each point I can say "well, why don't we change that?" and laughing because I am working on so many things and trying to change but I'm not super woman.

On the contrary, I'm really glad I got this out. I'm glad I am not afraid or tired of advocating how I feel to try and bring a sense or normalcy or relativity to anyone experiencing what I do, but can't find the words or the people to say it to...but also that is calms my mind down...

I'm also glad that I REFUSE to give up on myself anymore despite how tired I might be... Just keep swimming.

"But What if I fall?"
"Oh my darling, but what if you fly?"

Dorothy
xo