"How did you get involved?"

I am commonly asked how or why I got involved with Miss Universe Canada, and it's a very valid question, as there are split seconds where I forget as well. Not because I don't want to be apart of it, but being human it's in my DNA to doubt myself. With that said, from the beginning of this competition I made a deliberate choice: if I'm going to go ahead with this I'm either giving it my all or forget it. 

So I had to consider somethings. 

The night before applications closed I thought "let's put some pictures in and just see what happens." 

Included in those photos were these 3 shots 

"Bikini"

And one in my glasses I can't find. But as you can see-none of them are "professional," but maybe they liked my smile. 

The day I found out I had a couple individuals message me and to quote one message "this is a huge commitment, are you sure ," which I need to be reminded of again. I am in school doing my placement, but whatever let's just try it! 

Best decision I've ever made. 

As my director said the other day "I know things are crazy right now, but when it's all over you're going to miss it. Soak it up." 

And he's right. In a matter of a few months I've met so many intelligent and kind people, both women and men. My confidence in myself and who I am and what I can do is way up, I can't believe who I am this year contrary to last year. Hey! I was there for a reason I'm not mad at myself, I needed that time. It's ultimately how I came to be a CYC OR CYW whatever you want to call it. 

Anyways! The next morning Sonny called me to tell me he received my shots from head office and would I be interested in a phone interview- I am at school freaking out alone- so I said yes. 

Later that week we had our interview. 

"Why miss universe?" 

"If you won what would you want to tell the world or teach the world about Canada?" (ABOUT CANADA- the First Nations and indigenous populations that date back to Emily Carr and her days in B.C. and our Mental Health Care DUH!) 

"What Ontario social issues do you care about?" (Something along those lines-this is where in my head I thought "how much time do we have? I've got a couple..." ) 

Anyways, the pageant in April will be part interview, part bikini catwalk (better believe it), and the night gown. And the same in June, but that's nationals. 

I have to raise $1200 for my expenses and then I've chosen to tackle $5000 for the Canadian Mental Health Association because it's incredibly dear to my heart, but more importantly I believe I can. We only limit ourselves right? 

I have a fashion show April 8th. I've had a photo shoot thus far and met the current Miss Universe, Miss Phillipines. 

As I say to most people I talk to, if I got a phone call today saying they couldn't take me on or something- id still be so proud of how far I've come because it's built me up in so many ways. 

Even my health and fitness has never been so strong and I'm loving it. It makes me feel so great! 

Now if you're wondering "k but why miss universe?" Because it's a public platform where I can use my voice for myself and so many others who warrior on day after day, struggling with mental health, substance abuse, grief, school, students/kids. I want to demonstrate that YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO. 

I met with a dear friend for coffee yesterday, as once upon a time he was my mentor at Wine Rack and I consider him to be a strong father figure in my life. This man, on night one of us working together, opened up his whole life story to me and vice versa- it was deep- but we have since not lost touch and make it a point to check in and say hi every once in a while because we both understand how dark the brain can get. We talked about the fact that so many still don't understand the thinking behind suicide and to be honest there is thinking, and one form is simply "I don't want to be here anymore and the world is better off." Or my "favourite" it's selfish. Ay yay yay. 

It's not, but it's also not the only choice, as him and I- we need each other. We need that person who can level with us on that low of a level. In other words, we need you, your sisters, your brother ax your uncles, your aunts, your mothers, brothers and fathers! We need the wounded healers. 

He told me a story about this customer who comes in and commonly makes remarks about "why me? This stuff always happens to me. When is anything good going to happen?" To my surprise my friend threw me out there as an exemplar in that I made a decision to turn my life around and I've stuck to it. I've worked incredibly hard to become a stronger, healthier, more confident and independent woman. But the reason more so that he "used me" was to say "And now she's going for Miss Universe."

According to J, my friend, she responded with "how does a girl like that have similar problems to me?" And for the first time in my life I heard, what I thought was my own thought, my own voice- but used in reference to me rather than against me. 

Come on. Majority of us have, at one point in our life, played the "why me?" But we have choices. Every choice you choose is yours to own. 

There's intention and then there's motivation. I have the intention to try my best using my best motivation. The difference between the two? Deliberateness. I deliberately trying from the moment I wake up till my eyes close at night. 

I hope this answers some questions or interests your random findings on the Internet. 

I'm so grateful to be sober. The clarity and grace is forever worth it.

Damn is it worth it. 

Have a Happy Saturday! 

xo

Dorothy Colleen