I mean, I know why. I was about to get up on stage and rather than using my words, I had to use my "looks"; my walk, my smile, my posture, my speed, my eye contact, my excitement! It was a whirlwind of emotions.
When I first got to Windsor and entered the church I cried. I cried like a baby for a solid 5 minutes all a while contemplating "what the heck did I seriously sign myself up for?" but I needed this cry, as I do every cry. WHY? Because in that moment, somewhere, I found the strength to pull myself out of it. I had to let go of the fear and allow the "here it goes!" attitude to flow in.
Earlier I was shaving my legs and cut my achilles tendon and if any girl is reading this they will instantly understand what that means: 30-40 minutes of non stop bleeding. I had just come from work too, so it was not like I had a ton of time in the morning and once my heel was cut, I was hopping around the entire time and using endless amounts of tissue paper, toilet paper, whatever I could find. IT WAS A BIT CHAOTIC, BUT I MADE IT OUT ALIVE! AND GOT TO WINDSOR FOR HAIR AND MAKEUP! AND before I knew it, the show was over. I had answered a question regarding whether I thought it was fair or not for pharmacies to release patient information, particularly those who have access to narcotics, as is stands, substance abuse is becoming more predominant etc.
I agreed as I remembered one time having to wait in shoppers drug mart for my medications and I was flipping through some pamphlets and I read that 50% of patients do not take their prescribed medications and I was floored. But then I thought "wait a minute, I used to not take my medications because I felt off on them. And now, thanks to my friend consistency, I take them and feel little to no side effects. And trust me, that is HUGE compared to what I used to know and feel. But if 50% of the Canadian population is not taking their narcotic medicine- then where is it going? Oh and substance abuse is going up, similar to suicide rates. So that is why I think it is fair. If I wanted to, absolutely! It would be easy money- 30 bucks a pill. But my values, morals and beliefs are such that I cannot and will not do that. BUT That's just me.... So there was that answer. It was A LOT shorter, which for me is suprising as you can probably tell by my posts.
I had to reflect on some memories, that for the web are intense for me to share, but I am going to do it. It's been so long and safe to say I came, I saw and I conquered a once common, yet endless insecurity: MY BODY. I know I am not the only one and I want to send a message that hopefully, if it is read by any other human on this earth, they will take something away from it.
When it was time for me to gear down and put my bathing suit on I could feel eyes on me. But rather than covering up, I embraced the fact that I was the way I was. I have worked day in and day out at the gym, I'm in the best physical shape possible, and if that isn;t good enough for me WHAT WILL BE? I was not born skinny and remained skinny. I've been active my whole life and had to work for my body. Nevertheless, I haven't been killing myself in the gym. I still eat ice cream and cookies and enjoy my life...As much as I want to be Miss Universe Canada, I don't want to be a false version of myself because then I won't like myself or what i'm doing. This is about being authentically me and in doing so I gotta do whats right FOR ME.
In grade 9 I tried Jenny Craig.
In grade 11 I tried a narcotic drug for two weeks before I got caught.
Grade 12...I let it go.
University-- I used to do that "champagne diet" where you wouldn't eat until you drank later that evening and that would be your calorie intake. DON'T FOLLOW ANY OF WHAT I'M SAYING. DO NOT. It will make you miserable, you'll be hangry and not happy, unproductive, over worrying, likely overeating at some point, and just overall NOT HAPPY. My boyfriends at these times never knew, poor guys. We probably could have saved a lot of arguments if this girl wasn't starving herself to try and look good for you, not that you knew. I just felt SO MUCH PRESSURE. SO MUCH PRESSURE. I still feel it now, but the way I see it I can be who I am and embrace myself like I did last friday and walk that stage proud, or hide. That sounds a lot like isolation and this booty can't be isolated.
I wish that we lived in a world where girls didn't see these Victoria Secret models and think THATS IT! OR #BODYGOALS- NO! ENOUGH WITH THE GOALS OF BODY AND RELATIONSHIP! STICK TO YOUR OWN LIFE AND LIVE IT THE ONLY WAY YOU KNOW HOW AND THAT IS NOT ACCORDING TO THOSE WOMEN. Stop listening to your peers or your parents who tell you negative things, as only you are in control of you how you feel.
I can still feel the fear when I am looking on facebook and all these pictures creep up, but guess what? My makeup was a bit dark as I see from photos so I'm over it. On to the next big show where I get to where my dress from Lucian and round 2. Try it again. BECAUSE IT WAS SO DARN FUN! It was exhilarating walking up there...there's a part of me that has always wanted to do that.
Check that off the bucket list.
After all, I am just trying to enjoy myself and enjoy this process.. and I have some amazing pageant friends.
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