The "Alcoholic" "Struggle"

"The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking."

Today I'm learning! I'm always learning, but this is interesting.

So in going to Alcoholics Anon groups they have three different situations, open discussion, closed discussion, and an open speaker. Cool! Lots of options. I've gone to 1 open discussion, and of course an open speaker, but when I read "closed discussion," I'm thinking  it's closed off to anyone who isn't apart of whatever group it is that meets at that time. (There's different name's for each "home group")
In school closed discussion meant that when we had to hand in assignments, if the folder read "discussion closed" that means I cannot participate, too late--and that happened frequently. I never wanted to participate in the online discussions. Rookie mistake. Easy 10% just do it because you'll regret it later and look at yourself like "Why?!?! UGH ONLY SO I COULD GO WATCH HOT ROD FOR THE 90th time!!!!!"

Anyways, back to the meetings. After my experience with my friend Desiree's grandfather I see what benefits I personally would gain. 

1. Peer support. 

Not because my friends or peers don't support me, but because I need to able to talk to someone whose gone or going through the things I have. Impatience being a HUGE ONE. I'm not all that patient to begin with, well when it comes to family friends relationships, so it made a whole lot more of sense when I realized 9/10 alcoholics in the first year plus are beyond impatient human beings. And if you reallllly think about it, I'm sure you can guess why. 

2. I need the positive empowerment. It's  like that saying which reads "one man trash is another mans treasure," because all of our stories are real and from the heart, and often extremely hilarious because you gotta make fun! We're choosing to be sober hence why we're in those seats listening in the first place! 

3. I need to learn to live and let live. This by far has been my biggest struggle, as I don't like not knowing things, especially when it comes to my relationship. Add alcohol to the mix and I think everyone is a liar, cheater, ok maybe not that bad but you get it.. Having said that, this only comes to life when I'm not around "monitoring." I don't sit there with a note pad writing the date time and kind, but when I ask did you drink much? I expect an honest answer.. I do NOT expect anyone to give up their lifestyle or habits because of me that's insanely selfish. I have the power to remove myself from any situation if need be. 

4. I'm curious! I'm always curious and I want to learn things and hear things and I'm never even tempted to go on my phone or even think of anything else  I'm so engulfed by what's being said and whose being recognized. 

5. Alcoholic to alcoholic chat. Some people will argue I'm not an alcoholic, and ask why I label myself that. I don't, call me organic or nothing. But I'm not in denial of the path that I was on, and I'm taking responsibility. (As I've mentioned before, my whole generation binge drinks but that's what we know as fun! Well I used to anyways) 

6. I want to be heard and I want to be understood. Too often I neglect my sobriety needs and it's on par with my depression. I need to treat them both the same. Get help, meet people, reach out. I want someone to get why I reach such a high level of intense anger and threaten to kick my boyfriend out 5/7 times. Because frankly he'll never understand unless he tries it and as always I wouldn't expect him to. Nor would I expect anyone to, except for alcoholics that is. 

This is the best conversation I had with D today regarding a meeting and my confusion 

Hahahaha I must admit, that's pretty VIP if you ask me. Sorry guys, you can't sit with us.

Love,
Dorothy the Confused "Alcoholic"

Only Love Can Dig You Out Of This - 2nd Post Today- WOW

 Below are lyrics by the group The Lumineers, and the song is called Slow It Down. I remember the first time I ever heard this song and the reason I do is because it resonated with me a great deal, but not in a positive way what so over. This was probably two years ago, I did not like who I was, I was still trying to comprehend what the f!#k just happened to my relationship and the only conclusion I came to was that I was the "filth" in his metaphorical bones. My interpretation of the song may be wrong, but was my interpretation. Too, I listen to music I can relate to, as though the artist is singing me their story, which is all too familiar to my own. 

"Act like you've been here before, smile less and dress up some more" I had been there, and I couldn't believe myself. I hated myself! Hated! 

But the ending made me hopeful, and why I am posting for the second time today because I cried to this exact part--

And when she stood she stood tall

She’ll make a fool of you all

Don’t ask for cigarettes

She ain’t got nothin left for you

I never, she never, we never looked back

That wasn’t what we were good at

And when it came to love

We were not good enough

 bending over sobbing because I just wanted that to be my mindset right then and there. But like everything in life, emotions, people and thought do not just fix themselves over night, you have to be patient and learn hard lessons that make you a stronger, healthier, happier person--if you're lucky. 

And so I have, and now I know for a damn fact I am not the filth, I am the girl who stands tall, who will make a fool of "you all" (achieving you for you, or me for me and I don't mean financially, achieving happiness, joy, gratitude-- I'm a way better person now and I know that because I'm clear, and I feel it). However, the "we were not good enough" is by no means true. I was not good enough for them, but I am  good enough for the guy who loves me now, and I love him. 

"And when she stood she stood tall
She’ll make a fool of you all
Don’t ask for cigarettes
She ain’t got nothin left for you

I never, she never, we never looked back
That wasn’t what we were good at
And when it came to love
We were not good enough"

Slow It Down Lyrics by The Lumineers 
"I feel her filth in my bones
Wash off my hands til it’s gone
The walls they’re closing in
With velvet curtains

Some love was made for the lights
Some kiss your cheek and goodnight
Lift up a red high heel
Lock up your doors with steel

They’re makin noise in my street
My blinds are drawn i can’t see
Smashed in my car window
Didn’t touch the stereo

Slow it down, Angie come back to bed
Rest your arms, and rest your legs

Act like you’ve been here before
Smile less and dress up some more
Tie up your scarf real tight
These boys are out for blood tonight

Slow it down, Angie come back to bed
Rest your arms, and rest your legs

And when she stood she stood tall
She’ll make a fool of you all
Don’t ask for cigarettes
She ain’t got nothin left for you

I never, she never, we never looked back
That wasn’t what we were good at
And when it came to love
We were not good enough

Slow it down, Angie come back to bed
Rest your arms, and rest your legs
Don’t you frown when you’re feelin like that
Only love can dig you out of this"

We Have Fun

Yesterday afternoon, and until the evening, I had the opportunity to meet an incredibly kind, caring, soft spoken, wise, loving, and sober Grandfather. I say Grandfather, as I never met my grandfather's growing up. I met my Dad's step father, who I treated as my own, but he passed maybe 8 years ago? Regardless, within seconds of meeting him he asks if I will be joining them that evening to hear him speak and I enthusiastically replied "Of course! You Kidding? Why do you think I'm here?!" and he asks "are you apart of the program?" No, but I have been sober 11 months! AND HE GAVE ME A MASSIVE HUG AND CHEERED!

We did not stop talking until dinner time, so a solid 5 hours. I could listen to people's stories all day long, and I'm not talking their stories about going to the grocery store and having a crappy cashier, I'm talking LIFE stories.

It is very rare that when telling someone you are not a drinker, organic or sober--whatever you want to call it, that they celebrate or make any gesture of congratulations. It's like whenever you tell someone you broke up with someone they tilt their head and go "Oh no." that's the typical response but "Oh. Really? Like you don't drink at all? Not even one glass? Can't you just have one?" Absolutely! I can have as many as I'd like, but all that does is pull me down, or kill me. Not to mention, it's very seldom you find individuals my age who, whether in recovery or not, can have just 1 glass.  And that's ok! That's their life, their business, thats what makes THEM happy! I'm happy for you!

So Grandpa and I are talking all the darn day long about Alcoholics Anonymous and I've only been to two AA meetings, once in Toronto and now once in London. Too, I have attended WFS twice (women for sobriety), which is the service my mother mediates! I love that group. Women supporting women, non judgmental, casual, no rewards or chips involved. And again, that's a preference. Some individuals enjoy the spiritual aspect of AA, and the 12 steps, where others prefer to just talk it out and come up with solutions alongside a page of 13 statements. Personally I am not very religious, but I do believe in a greater divine, or a higher power if you will, so I fit in just fine. It's almost impossible not to fit in, as the alcoholic can be of any gender, race, ethnicity, religious background, mental illness....If you're human you fit in.

Next month, July 9th, I will be 1 year sober. Again, some people don't like counting how many months or years they've been sober due to pressure, and I think that would eventually wear on me, but last night I really did not mind it. I have really learned to embrace a lot of the opportunities and experiences I have been exposed to over the past few months, and with that said, I received my first 24hr coin (better late than never I guess) and 11 month coin!!!!! A young woman went to the front and said "is there anyone in this room who is eleven months sober?" and I lightly put up my hand, I was only there to see my grandfather speak so I thought nothing of it, and all of a sudden the room full of 50 people start clapping for me and my friend is pushing me up to get out of my seat and go to the podium, and I did. And I was given a pretty turquoise coin.

Following that moment of absolute pride and smile my grandfather was up to speak. He is absolutely hilarious, he had the whole room laughing, smiling, it was infectious!! And then near the end of his speech, he made a point of drawing everyone's attention towards me again and saying "This young woman over here, my granddaughter of today, is 11 months sober. (everyone clapped, I'm crying happy tears) and he ends with the advice he was once given "this will take you on a journey of your wildest dreams, and if you stick to the program and work your steps you will make it(to which he added) and if you don't believe me keep coming back and prove me wrong!


What a ride so far...

Dorothy Rennie... Did it again!

Dorothy (Colleen) Rennie has officially been conferred! Feels like a long time coming, which it was, but it feels nice to finally close the chapter at Laurier. 

I was asked to be in a video for "future students" with advice and what I loved about Laurier...I ended up not doing it, as all my real life lessons came from me. My professors supported me as best they could and I'll always be appreciative of that, but like many other trials in my life I chose to take it the hard way and didn't ask for much assistance. My own doing, but I learned! I learned that in making the decision to go to post secondary school STRAIGHT out of high school (even WITH my year off) was based solely on conforming to those around me. I was told I couldn't write, I graduated with history. 

In September I'm staring my real venture, finally pursuing what I want to, not what I think i should! Having said that, I only learned of this passion because of Laurier so for that, I'm forever grateful! 

See Ya Never Laurier

December 18th, 2014 at approximately 9:34 I found out I was finally, finally done my university career at Laurier. I cried listening to Take Me To Church, just so thankful I made it. After all those years of hell, and literally trying to kill myself to get through my program in one piece.

Anyways, I made it and next Wednesday I get to do the whole convocation process, and I wasn't all for it at the beginning, but I've been told I have to "experience it," but I keep saying I want to give my mom her moment, the moment of seeing her daughter finally get this piece of paper that she too saw tore me to a person to this person I did not recognize. I found out in January the dates of convocation once I applied for my actual degree, and that day I wrote it down and told every member in my immediate family, as they were all there! It was kinda exciting, but they have all been through it so woo!

Too, there was some on going joke that went something like "thank God Colleen finally finished!"I called my Grandma and that is what she said, and my dad jokingly made a comment about not having to pay extra bills. Mom cried with me on the phone, and my boyfriend's mom gave me this cute owl with a graduation hat, and put it where I was supposed to eat for dinner that evening. And to be honest, that was all ok with me. I did not want to make this a big ordeal due to that fact that these years were not happy years. I'm not trying to be a baby and say I only celebrate happy years, but I didn't like who I was for a great deal of these years, and even more I resented everyone around me because of it.

But it doesn't matter because as I said I am doing this thing. My mom wants to see me up there! My dad, however, is unable to make it. He has a meeting from 9-11 that morning with people flying in from Montreal and London, England so "its tough to bail," and as per usual he seems to think he only found out about my convocation yesterday.


My father and I have made progress. Staring my Arbonne business has definitely brought us closer, but I was recently offered an opportunity of a lifetime simply because of my personality and work ethic 1 night voluntarily! But when I signed up for Arbonne you know who I thought would be the most proud/interested? My father. And don't get me wrong, he is interested and would help me in any way he could and he always tells me that. He supports me. He loves me. But he doesn't appreciate me. I have come to recognize I'm the child he takes for granted, whether he recognizes it or not is besides the point because he and my brother would laugh and say I'm overreacting, but I'm the one he has blamed for years for his stupid insignificant problems, the one who he called to take care of my mother contrary to someone who is professionally able to cope with those situations.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S OK. I'm ok. Sure, I'll get emotional about it, but I'll invite people who want to be there. My wine rack mentor, who I see as a father like figure, I will invite him! Let my pops miss out on this, he'll either regret it down the road or not have a care in the world. Gotta suck up my pride and let him be.

Just know your worth. I'm devastated that after all the stuff we've been through he can't watch me get that paper, but hey! That's life. I'm moving on to bigger and better, beginning with this internship I really, really hope I get. I will have the opportunity of a lifetime to work with an incredible and inspiring woman! SO THAT'S WHAT I'M FOCUSING ON!


Have a lovely Thursday, friends

Dorothy Colleen xo

Living Works

Last year I went to an open discussion in Guelph, Ontario which allowed locals from the community to participate on the topic of Suicide Prevention. In previous months, I wrote a blog article about the discussion, specific topics, and what we as a community, bystanders, loved ones could do to help implement more safety and resources for those individuals at risk.


One of the big themes I spoke about was the 2 day class for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training. I've come to recognize that I am your typical example of having preventative measures or resources available, but never using it due to my own stubbornness. Well, my friends, that stubbornness no longer exists-- or at least not to the degree it once was, as I have officially become a trained suicide interventionist. YEP! ME! The girl who has fallen victim to suicide twice has taken the necessary steps to ensure #1 I do not commit this act again and #2 Now I can be that person who intervenes with confidence and a plan.

This also means at any point in time I could be called in to do an intervention. Furthermore, the schools I work at will benefit from me due to the fact that I have this knowledge and this particular skill set that is doable unless you take this course.


Talk to me. If you or someone you know is struggling, I'm right here. Everything is confidential, I am a vault. I know what it is like to put your life and trust in the hands of someone else, and how easily that can be taken away, or turned into mistrust. That is not who I am. I care. I want to support you and help you, and I need you to take me seriously when I say this whether through a screen or in person.

Love,
Dorothy aka Colleen