As I sit here thinking about what I want to write for
this particular post the ideas/words aren't clicking as they usually do.
Similarly, when
I opened up your email, I didn't know what to think, feel, or say with the
exception of the 1 consistent thought; wondering how and why for the first time
in two years you cordially took the initiative to check in and see how this opportunity
I'm participating in was going. When thinking back, upon reading the reference
letter you wrote for me I have only now come to recognize I was speechless then
too. And not because you're a bad person, or malicious, but because I felt, and
still feel, how kind and genuine you were being towards me. I had no
doubts as to how genuine of a person you were, but naturally thought I was
unworthy of that. No boy/man has ever "cared" after the fact. Or at
least in the way you have.
I'm telling
you, this whole sobriety thing really opens your eyes to the effects and
experiences mentally, emotionally, and physiologically.
It’s fair to
say that the 5 words undoubtedly played with my thoughts from time to time, but
that was simply my own head-- I was so confused; I even slightly vomited that
day walking out of staples cause my anxiety was just eating at me. I couldn't
decipher what I was feeling. Why, suddenly,
did these feelings of intense emotion overwhelm me? I know I was overthinking
the situation, and not because I am a girl, but because I am a human
being.
It's hard to
explain, but this was the first male that I dated in my adult years, or at
least I was in a relationship where I felt there was seriously real emotion
and passion. I became a better person because I wanted to for him, but also for
myself. He taught me to love in many ways, as he truly is a good and decent human.
Nevertheless, those emotions have been put to rest as we moved forward. So
there I was, once again, just wondering why the heck something so simple threw
me off balance?
It should
come as no surprise that when speaking to a professional she reminds me that
maybe, just maybe, the associated feelings and emotions that went along with
this situation came back. Moreover, due to the fact that I am no longer
medicating with any alcohol, or numb potion, it feels a thousand times more
intense than before, and there’s no way it could have been predictable. And
within seconds, suddenly, I began to realize that I didn’t feel as
"heavy." This woman's simple reminder gave me the insight to finally
recognize and appreciate that I can be cared for, people can come around, and
that the guy I met is still there. "Why does that matter?" Because
this is what I said in Part I:
"I like to believe I know that the kind part of you is still deep within
you, you're just going to have to find that out by yourself..."
I was right,
you are a good person, but more than that you restored my faith!
In
every relationship there will be unfinished business and things won’t go your
way for an unpredictable amount of time which may drive you a bit bananas, and
you may have to suffer heart ache and heart break, maybe even depression! But
people come around. Life does go on. And that effort gave me the ability to see
a little glimpse of hope that I subconsciously needed, not all men in this
world are butt heads. So, if you’re reading this, “you know who are,” then
please read my message below and know that it comes from the heart:
That
march my heart shattered into a million pieces. Eventually, I realized I
couldn't save us. I couldn't undo what had been done, and I let you go to find
your true happiness because I no longer felt like I was "it". And
sometimes, we have to accept the unexpected. Our worlds need to fall apart, so
we can put them back together the way they were meant to be. We went
through something incredibly difficult together that cannot simply be shoved
under the rug or told to move on, as it is not a simple fix; and to be honest
the grieving after an experience like that can last for years. I can attest to
that as I found my moods/reactions were similar to individuals who were
suffering from loss and grief for a long time--and I am sure you did too. I am
sorry for hurting you, and though I have said it 1000 times, it still doesn't
feel like enough but what can I do?
There's
nothing more important to me than your happiness, and knowing you have that
means the world to me. Our lives took different paths, but that can never take
away from the memories we shared.
As for
me, I'm doing just fine. I've found peace. I am finished school, figuring out
my life, continuing with my passions for writing, volunteering, and I've been
rebuilding a life that was once in a million pieces. I still dream of having a
family. I still dream of holding my own child. I'm much of the same Dorothy you
knew, but so much different.
I
like to give credit where credit is due, I really do, and so I want to say that
it takes a lot to muster up the courage and speak to people you are unsure of;
fear is nasty and holds us all back too often, but not you—you rock. Anyways,
thank you for reaching out, and thank you for giving me a bit of faith and
trust again!
Dorothy
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