C.H.I.C.A.G.O!

Tomorrow I begin my short visit to see my childhood best friend, Paige! This will be my first vacation of 2015, but also my first vacation without the intentions of going to see a friend and get wild. Fortunately, Paige is one of the only friends I have who is, well, Paige.

What I mean to say by that is, since a very young age, I would like to say since grade 3 we have known each other, and we are very comfortable and happy together. Non stop laughter, particularly in reminiscing of old times. We call each other Ketchup and Friesth-- she loves/cannot live without Ketchup, and I feel the same way about french fries so THERE YA HAVE IT! Too, she is the only person who I can call BAWLING my eyes out and she'll just listen on the other side. Ugh I just love her to bits, I mean how sweet is that?

The best part about our nick names, I must admit, is that they stem from 1 summer where we were so bored, Swiss Chalet was our daily lunch routine. Every darn day we went looking for change, whatever we could gather for a quarter chicken breast white meat combo and a side caesar salad (and that chalet sauce!)

One of my favourite tales was when we were in grade 4, and we went through some "drama!*!*!". You see, during this time she was dating a boy named Bowen and of course I liked him too. Rather than telling Bowen, who I sat beside in class everyday (persistence not resistance- jk) I wrote a letter on Paige's behalf, without her consent, knowledge, or let alone friendship, saying "I want to break up with you- Paige"

It didn't work.

Maybe it was the lack of love in the letter, but likely it was due to my very poor, sought out plan. It took a few months for her to "get over it," but she did. And we quickly began to realize we would have a lot more fun being friends than enemies.

Anyways, she is the girl that knows every little detail about myself, my family, and is super aware of my mental health + priorities (as well as the stories that accompany it as she was there) So when I think of heading down to the U.S., I feel this amazing sense of comfort knowing that I'm going to this amazing city, I get to see PAIGE (this never happens), who is without a doubt one of the most amazing human beings on this earth!

Paige is unlike any friend I have. The time we spent together, which was predominately during high school, she split her time between seeing myself or going to hockey. Literally those two options, with the exception of seeing other friends from time to time. We were attached at the hip-- everything we did we had to do it together, and if I was going away or vice versa we'd send emails back and forth every day saying we missed one another. When I found out my house was going up for sale and we were moving from everything and everyone I ever knew, she consoled me. Her dedication to hockey, while admirable, took her extremely far and I don't just mean skill wise, I mean distance! Off to New Hampshire she went and so did I, once.

Hopefully when she sees me this time she'll be more excited, as last time she was not a happy camper and not because of me! If you know her, or anyone who is crazy for the sport the play, when they lose a game, no matter what good news you have, say for example your best friend surprising you from Canada, they will not be thrilled about it. That was five years ago, and this time she's only demanding I mail her her favourite Canadian chips before I come, as my suit case won't be able to fit all of them.

See what I mean? The concern for chips is what makes her so special. Not my wine, not clothes, just some chips and candy people. LETS GO!

THSEE YA SOON!
THSEEEEE YAAAAAA!!!!!

-Friesth <3

"Dear You Know Who You Are" Part II

As I sit here thinking about what I want to write for this particular post the ideas/words aren't clicking as they usually do. 

Similarly, when I opened up your email, I didn't know what to think, feel, or say with the exception of the 1 consistent thought; wondering how and why for the first time in two years you cordially took the initiative to check in and see how this opportunity I'm participating in was going. When thinking back, upon reading the reference letter you wrote for me I have only now come to recognize I was speechless then too. And not because you're a bad person, or malicious, but because I felt, and still feel, how kind and genuine you were being towards me.  I had no doubts as to how genuine of a person you were, but naturally thought I was unworthy of that. No boy/man has ever "cared" after the fact. Or at least in the way you have. 

I'm telling you, this whole sobriety thing really opens your eyes to the effects and experiences mentally, emotionally, and physiologically. 

It’s fair to say that the 5 words undoubtedly played with my thoughts from time to time, but that was simply my own head-- I was so confused; I even slightly vomited that day walking out of staples cause my anxiety was just eating at me. I couldn't decipher what I was feeling. Why, suddenly, did these feelings of intense emotion overwhelm me? I know I was overthinking the situation, and not because I am a girl, but because I am a human being. 

It's hard to explain, but this was the first male that I dated in my adult years, or at least I was in a relationship where I felt there was seriously real emotion and passion. I became a better person because I wanted to for him, but also for myself. He taught me to love in many ways, as he truly is a good and decent human. Nevertheless, those emotions have been put to rest as we moved forward. So there I was, once again, just wondering why the heck something so simple threw me off balance? 

It should come as no surprise that when speaking to a professional she reminds me that maybe, just maybe, the associated feelings and emotions that went along with this situation came back. Moreover, due to the fact that I am no longer medicating with any alcohol, or numb potion, it feels a thousand times more intense than before, and there’s no way it could have been predictable. And within seconds, suddenly, I began to realize that I didn’t feel as "heavy." This woman's simple reminder gave me the insight to finally recognize and appreciate that I can be cared for, people can come around, and that the guy I met is still there. "Why does that matter?" Because this is what I said in Part I: 

"I like to believe I know that the kind part of you is still deep within you, you're just going to have to find that out by yourself..."

I was right, you are a good person, but more than that you restored my faith!

            In every relationship there will be unfinished business and things won’t go your way for an unpredictable amount of time which may drive you a bit bananas, and you may have to suffer heart ache and heart break, maybe even depression! But people come around. Life does go on. And that effort gave me the ability to see a little glimpse of hope that I subconsciously needed, not all men in this world are butt heads. So, if you’re reading this, “you know who are,” then please read my message below and know that it comes from the heart: 

That march my heart shattered into a million pieces. Eventually, I realized I couldn't save us. I couldn't undo what had been done, and I let you go to find your true happiness because I no longer felt like I was "it". And sometimes, we have to accept the unexpected. Our worlds need to fall apart, so we can put them back together the way they were meant to be. We went through something incredibly difficult together that cannot simply be shoved under the rug or told to move on, as it is not a simple fix; and to be honest the grieving after an experience like that can last for years. I can attest to that as I found my moods/reactions were similar to individuals who were suffering from loss and grief for a long time--and I am sure you did too. I am sorry for hurting you, and though I have said it 1000 times, it still doesn't feel like enough but what can I do?

There's nothing more important to me than your happiness, and knowing you have that means the world to me. Our lives took different paths, but that can never take away from the memories we shared.           

As for me, I'm doing just fine. I've found peace. I am finished school, figuring out my life, continuing with my passions for writing, volunteering, and I've been rebuilding a life that was once in a million pieces. I still dream of having a family. I still dream of holding my own child. I'm much of the same Dorothy you knew, but so much different.

 I like to give credit where credit is due, I really do, and so I want to say that it takes a lot to muster up the courage and speak to people you are unsure of; fear is nasty and holds us all back too often, but not you—you rock. Anyways, thank you for reaching out, and thank you for giving me a bit of faith and trust again! 

Dorothy  

This Quote

Is everything and more. I apologize for the swear words in advance. Imagination is my drink.

The Feeling of Disappointment

To My "Little Sister"

When you're out in this scary world, I want you to remember this one lesson I should have paid more attention to growing up and need to remind myself to this day till I find the one: 

1. An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction. – Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.

I'm honoured to be apart of your life, darling! You know who you are. 

"60 Quotes that Will Change The Way You Think" ...Seriously

I stumbled across this website when I randomly decided to search "so people really can change," because, well I just did. It's a Saturday afternoon, I'm spicing things up a bit. Anyways, I came across this website and thought to myself "why not see what every other website tells me," and so I did, but my admiration for these particular points resonated with me more than other articles, which I swear I am particular about. But for my own selfish opinion, that is (hehe)!

You know when you read things and you feel like someone just picked your brain? Ya, that's what happened here. But word for word. Especially lately. And yes, I am sure it is common, universal, everyday jargon, but it is nevertheless important reminders. These are my particular favourites and it was hard to narrow this down, for the record, so sorry if I ruin anything (whatever record that is):

1. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
2. If a person wants to be a part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so.  Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.
3. Making one person smile can change the world – maybe not the whole world, but their world.

So 6, 7, 8 so far.... PLUS: 

1. Don’t choose the one who is beautiful to the world; choose the one who makes your world beautiful.
2. True love isn’t about being inseparable; it’s about two people being true to each other even when they are separated.
3. There isn’t anything noble about being superior to another person.  True nobility is in being superior to the person you once were.
4. Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you.  It takes someone really special to stay in your life and show how much they love you.
5. Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.
6. The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention. (NOT TO BRAG, but I assisted TWO elderly women this week, both of whom were struggling/stuck in the thick Canadian snow! The first didn't say thank you, but I still felt super; the second women's pants fell down while attempting to move the immovable walker through sludge. I held her coat and walker, and just lifted the pants so she didn't have to reach down. Woman to woman, baby! Thats all apart of the glory)
7. There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go
8. AND FINALLY.... If you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. (easier said than done, but you catch my drift.. speak up, kindly!)

Love,
Dorothy

Click 4 Link Here:
http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/06/08/60-quotes-change-the-way-you-think/

H.O.P.E

Hold
On
Pain
Ends...

Because one day this can all be possible. It has happened to me! Maybe I don't fall asleep at bed every night with a smile on my face and 0 worries in the world, but the nights I do I really cherish! But most importantly, what I hope for the most is for the intensity of this battle that I'm currently going through to lessen even more than it already has! But there's only 1 way that can really happen and that is all up to me. So I'm doing it! Each day is still different, I still feel confused and uncertain, hurt, but it doesn't linger as long as it used to and that's an amazing feeling. To be able to face an issue head on and not feel like my world is ending or going up in flames, what a relief!

So, I hope for all of you too, one day, it doesn't have to be today, tomorrow, or the next day, but at some point in time you feel a sense of relief wave over you; the sense of "though this feels really bad I'm going to be just fine" and really mean it to yourself.

You have to have faith. You have to know that though you may have the most loving and supporting team around, or none at all, this battle can only be won by 1 person and that is you! And that is OK! We CAN do this. Speak to someone.

Last week an individual messaged me whom I went to high school with asking me about the "difference" between my depression and anxiety as I am "so open about it all" AND I AM! I am also so happy they felt comfortable enough to say something to me because it benefits us both!!!

I am no longer ashamed of what has happened to me, what I have said/done, as I am making changes! I'm moving on. I work at this every week, if not every darn day! It ain't easy, but when you're ready you just sort of know. You can tell your ready to pick up your own pieces because whatever else is going on is no longer beneficial to you life and you realize life could be ordinary, or it could be great.

Like making the decision to stop drinking alcohol. Something is telling me that I just didn't like the lifestyle that accompanied the taste of alcohol. And still seems so 8 Months later, clean.. I live on a vineyard. I am still surrounded by alcohol (not parties, but gatherings for sure!) My boyfriend and friends drink around me. And guess what? I'm just as weird and silly sober as I was on alcohol minus the outrageous drunk nonsense fights solely due to alcohol and

I must admit I have been watching "The Real World" lately, including older seasons such as Portland, San Diego, Cancun, Vegas, etc. and boy. Does that bring back a whole lot of embarrassingly hilarious memories! Like WHO DO WE THINK WE ARE HAHA! For instance,  after 900 drinks, within recent years particularly, the amount of unnecessary fights with a side of screaming and yelling, crying, that 9/10 was over a girl who just walked passed me (this is an example, but probably not far from accurate). Last night episode for the "Real World skeletons" edition, there is one character who is fighting with her best friend in the house and at one point, while they're screaming at one another because the fight got to the point where she thought it was the best idea to move alllllll her clothing out, she yells "IM TAKING THOSE TOWELS TOO!" I was howling.  Even they had to laugh because they suddenly realized how stupid it all was haha! AND IT IS! BUT Hey, we live and we learn right? No judgments ever, as we have alllll been there. Just safe to say I don't miss those nights/mornings.

Love,
Dorothy