"No, You're Not Perfect But You're Not Your Mistakes"

"How different it is, for many of us, to look forward today with secure anticipation, to trust in what the future holds!" 

Everybody deals with pain and loss differently. Some choose to simply ignore, ignore, ignore, where others, including myself, choose to confront, confront, confront. In other words, I choose to tackle my issues when I can, however I can, in the hopes that whatever it is that I am feeling will eventually dissipate.  It sounds a lot easier said than done, and it has taken a great deal of time to even remotely understand how best to deal with certain adverse situations. 

However, I have never been good when dealing with goodbyes. No matter how large or how small, I always manage to be crying.

Two years ago this time I was sitting in a hospital, surrounded by young girls who were in the same situation as myself, but had their male counterpart involved (distance). If you have been reading my blog, I am sure you are familiar with that. I talk about it often, as it clouds my brain from time to time when feeling like I don't know who to turn to, but I have myself.  I do still get emotional about the whole process, mainly how quickly it all happened and went-- and then how I was left thinking, which was simply "you don't have to worry anymore," and I was and still am right. I don't have to worry anymore. I choose to worry more than I have to, but I'm well aware of that. 

 Unfortunately, I often think that "people" perceive me as "crazy" or "dramatic" for holding on to something like having an abortion and the associated feelings for this long, but as I said in the beginning, everybody deals with pain and loss differently. And to be perfectly honest, I am making conscious efforts to no longer let other opinions get to me, because we all have them. To this day I see babies and get emotional, but I also know that I just think they're absolutely adorable!  I am a sensitive individual and that is not an event you can ever try to possibly plan ahead for. You can most certainly have every conversation/thought/dream about it, but it is nothing like when it really happens. When you're really sitting there talking about your families wine business, holding your best friends hand who you've argued with that if it ever happened you would "keep it," yet clearly I did not feel fit enough to become a responsible parent at the age of 21-- it's pretty surreal! But it happened. It has made me and whether i like it or not it has made me into the woman I am today. 

I will admit that if there was ever a time to believe in guardian angels, I do now more than ever. Everything happens for a reason and I truly did not think I would be able to move on from that experience the way I have. I definitely stumbled and went down roads I could have never imagined, but boy am I effin' glad I did! 

My life is now consumed by taking more risks than required, stepping out of my comfort zone, tackling mental health for today's youth, and laughing as much as possible with as much enthusiasm as I can possibly muster up! I've come to learn that everyone in my life right now is in it for a reason, as I have the best support system a girl like myself could possibly ask for. Between my amazing family and awesome friends (you know who you are) Thank you. Thank you for ensuring I have not been alone throughout the past couple of years. I am and will be forever grateful. 

(Lauren Cooper, if you're reading this then you should know that your support on that day will never be forgotten for the rest of my life; driving me at 6 am, holding my hand the whole time, including through the process, you are my hero.) 

"We can still remember, all too vividly perhaps, the darker periods in our lives, periods that seemed to hold no promise; a time when we dreaded the future, fearing it would only compound those awful times." While the fear and the dread are not completely gone, but they no longer darken my days, or hold me prisoner. (Go me go!) 

(While writing this, somewhere over the rainbow played. I have not heard that song in years. Dorothy!)

Love, Dorothy Colleen 

March Blues

A lot has happened in the month of March in the years passing, but as I continue to grow the pain experienced lessens. Except, however, for one day in particular- March 26th.  

March 6th I found out I was pregnant. March 7th I made my way to planned parent hood, spoke about my options, and chose the abortion. I was called that night and told my appointment had been booked for March 26 at 9 am in the morning and to be there 2 hours prior. 

I struggle with that day quite often though I feel so much happier with where I am in my life. Not drinking has undoubtedly cleared the persistence of guilt I had concerning my decision, but it never leaves you. Especially when it still feels like it "didn't" happen. I know it happened. I'm all too aware as to every minute of that morning, but it all happened so quickly. And while I'm venting, you know what I find frustrating? No one speaks about it!! Sure it's not the most pleasant of conversations but that's life. Every day we are faced with adverse situations that are far from pleasant, but an abortion? "That's messed up" -I overheard someone once say. That's not fair. I didn't ask for this, sir. But it has made me into the strong person I am today. 

Yet, I recently came across an article where a young woman who also felt as though no one speaks up about the actual experience itself, and so she shared her story. Not the before or the after, but during. It undoubtedly brought some peace of mind, and I wish I could shake her hand thanking her for stepping out of the box and speaking about such a personal, yet real, struggling time in her life. Thank you, author. 

But here I am today! 2 years later and I'm doing well, better than I would have assumed 2 years ago. I no longer feel the shame or the guilt, but from time to time I still feel some despair and to be honest, I don't think that ever goes away. 

A more serious thought from Dorothy..

Happy Tuesday, fellow readers! 

C.H.I.C.A.G.O!

Tomorrow I begin my short visit to see my childhood best friend, Paige! This will be my first vacation of 2015, but also my first vacation without the intentions of going to see a friend and get wild. Fortunately, Paige is one of the only friends I have who is, well, Paige.

What I mean to say by that is, since a very young age, I would like to say since grade 3 we have known each other, and we are very comfortable and happy together. Non stop laughter, particularly in reminiscing of old times. We call each other Ketchup and Friesth-- she loves/cannot live without Ketchup, and I feel the same way about french fries so THERE YA HAVE IT! Too, she is the only person who I can call BAWLING my eyes out and she'll just listen on the other side. Ugh I just love her to bits, I mean how sweet is that?

The best part about our nick names, I must admit, is that they stem from 1 summer where we were so bored, Swiss Chalet was our daily lunch routine. Every darn day we went looking for change, whatever we could gather for a quarter chicken breast white meat combo and a side caesar salad (and that chalet sauce!)

One of my favourite tales was when we were in grade 4, and we went through some "drama!*!*!". You see, during this time she was dating a boy named Bowen and of course I liked him too. Rather than telling Bowen, who I sat beside in class everyday (persistence not resistance- jk) I wrote a letter on Paige's behalf, without her consent, knowledge, or let alone friendship, saying "I want to break up with you- Paige"

It didn't work.

Maybe it was the lack of love in the letter, but likely it was due to my very poor, sought out plan. It took a few months for her to "get over it," but she did. And we quickly began to realize we would have a lot more fun being friends than enemies.

Anyways, she is the girl that knows every little detail about myself, my family, and is super aware of my mental health + priorities (as well as the stories that accompany it as she was there) So when I think of heading down to the U.S., I feel this amazing sense of comfort knowing that I'm going to this amazing city, I get to see PAIGE (this never happens), who is without a doubt one of the most amazing human beings on this earth!

Paige is unlike any friend I have. The time we spent together, which was predominately during high school, she split her time between seeing myself or going to hockey. Literally those two options, with the exception of seeing other friends from time to time. We were attached at the hip-- everything we did we had to do it together, and if I was going away or vice versa we'd send emails back and forth every day saying we missed one another. When I found out my house was going up for sale and we were moving from everything and everyone I ever knew, she consoled me. Her dedication to hockey, while admirable, took her extremely far and I don't just mean skill wise, I mean distance! Off to New Hampshire she went and so did I, once.

Hopefully when she sees me this time she'll be more excited, as last time she was not a happy camper and not because of me! If you know her, or anyone who is crazy for the sport the play, when they lose a game, no matter what good news you have, say for example your best friend surprising you from Canada, they will not be thrilled about it. That was five years ago, and this time she's only demanding I mail her her favourite Canadian chips before I come, as my suit case won't be able to fit all of them.

See what I mean? The concern for chips is what makes her so special. Not my wine, not clothes, just some chips and candy people. LETS GO!

THSEE YA SOON!
THSEEEEE YAAAAAA!!!!!

-Friesth <3

"Dear You Know Who You Are" Part II

As I sit here thinking about what I want to write for this particular post the ideas/words aren't clicking as they usually do. 

Similarly, when I opened up your email, I didn't know what to think, feel, or say with the exception of the 1 consistent thought; wondering how and why for the first time in two years you cordially took the initiative to check in and see how this opportunity I'm participating in was going. When thinking back, upon reading the reference letter you wrote for me I have only now come to recognize I was speechless then too. And not because you're a bad person, or malicious, but because I felt, and still feel, how kind and genuine you were being towards me.  I had no doubts as to how genuine of a person you were, but naturally thought I was unworthy of that. No boy/man has ever "cared" after the fact. Or at least in the way you have. 

I'm telling you, this whole sobriety thing really opens your eyes to the effects and experiences mentally, emotionally, and physiologically. 

It’s fair to say that the 5 words undoubtedly played with my thoughts from time to time, but that was simply my own head-- I was so confused; I even slightly vomited that day walking out of staples cause my anxiety was just eating at me. I couldn't decipher what I was feeling. Why, suddenly, did these feelings of intense emotion overwhelm me? I know I was overthinking the situation, and not because I am a girl, but because I am a human being. 

It's hard to explain, but this was the first male that I dated in my adult years, or at least I was in a relationship where I felt there was seriously real emotion and passion. I became a better person because I wanted to for him, but also for myself. He taught me to love in many ways, as he truly is a good and decent human. Nevertheless, those emotions have been put to rest as we moved forward. So there I was, once again, just wondering why the heck something so simple threw me off balance? 

It should come as no surprise that when speaking to a professional she reminds me that maybe, just maybe, the associated feelings and emotions that went along with this situation came back. Moreover, due to the fact that I am no longer medicating with any alcohol, or numb potion, it feels a thousand times more intense than before, and there’s no way it could have been predictable. And within seconds, suddenly, I began to realize that I didn’t feel as "heavy." This woman's simple reminder gave me the insight to finally recognize and appreciate that I can be cared for, people can come around, and that the guy I met is still there. "Why does that matter?" Because this is what I said in Part I: 

"I like to believe I know that the kind part of you is still deep within you, you're just going to have to find that out by yourself..."

I was right, you are a good person, but more than that you restored my faith!

            In every relationship there will be unfinished business and things won’t go your way for an unpredictable amount of time which may drive you a bit bananas, and you may have to suffer heart ache and heart break, maybe even depression! But people come around. Life does go on. And that effort gave me the ability to see a little glimpse of hope that I subconsciously needed, not all men in this world are butt heads. So, if you’re reading this, “you know who are,” then please read my message below and know that it comes from the heart: 

That march my heart shattered into a million pieces. Eventually, I realized I couldn't save us. I couldn't undo what had been done, and I let you go to find your true happiness because I no longer felt like I was "it". And sometimes, we have to accept the unexpected. Our worlds need to fall apart, so we can put them back together the way they were meant to be. We went through something incredibly difficult together that cannot simply be shoved under the rug or told to move on, as it is not a simple fix; and to be honest the grieving after an experience like that can last for years. I can attest to that as I found my moods/reactions were similar to individuals who were suffering from loss and grief for a long time--and I am sure you did too. I am sorry for hurting you, and though I have said it 1000 times, it still doesn't feel like enough but what can I do?

There's nothing more important to me than your happiness, and knowing you have that means the world to me. Our lives took different paths, but that can never take away from the memories we shared.           

As for me, I'm doing just fine. I've found peace. I am finished school, figuring out my life, continuing with my passions for writing, volunteering, and I've been rebuilding a life that was once in a million pieces. I still dream of having a family. I still dream of holding my own child. I'm much of the same Dorothy you knew, but so much different.

 I like to give credit where credit is due, I really do, and so I want to say that it takes a lot to muster up the courage and speak to people you are unsure of; fear is nasty and holds us all back too often, but not you—you rock. Anyways, thank you for reaching out, and thank you for giving me a bit of faith and trust again! 

Dorothy  

This Quote

Is everything and more. I apologize for the swear words in advance. Imagination is my drink.

The Feeling of Disappointment

To My "Little Sister"

When you're out in this scary world, I want you to remember this one lesson I should have paid more attention to growing up and need to remind myself to this day till I find the one: 

1. An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction. – Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.

I'm honoured to be apart of your life, darling! You know who you are.