Birthday Suit 2014

Wearing this with the most pride! I'm a flyer! 

My First Birthday sans-alcohol

So this year for my birthday everything was different. The build up, the celebration, the day itself!

Usually I'm counting the minutes, seconds, milliseconds!! Yet, this year I was a little busy and caught up with just doing..whatever I was doing! 

Contrary to previous years, I wore a blue jumpsuit, ear plugs, a helmet, and was forced to remember a bunch of hand signals. Hand signals? Who needs those?! PEOPLE WHO FLY! Yes, I went flying! Well not outdoors but it was still beyond epic! AND I REMEMBER IT! Thanks to my family and friends who came it was so amazing! All cheering and high fiving! I felt like I was back on a sports team. 

I guess you don't always have to drink t have fun, do you mom? (You win again) 

This is all I got

Love Sharma

"Suicide: A decision you can't reverse"

"God Bless the Wellington Community" - Christine Rennie aka My mom. This is in reference to my mother's recognition of the support the Wellington community is to pre and post suicide. Did you know that Canada is the only G8 country without a National Suicide Prevention Strategy? 

Last night I had the honour and privilege of attending an event hosted by 308 Conversations, which is a “grassroots campaign spearheaded by the Mental Health Commission of Canada that invites each of Canada’s 308 Members of Parliament (MPs) to lead a conversation in their ridings about suicide prevention.” Read the media release

Frank Valeriote, Canadian Member of Parliament, was there intermediating between each speaker: Tana Nash, President of the Ontario Association of Waterloo Region Suicide Prevention Council, Jenn Ward Program Manager/ Survivor...(I'll get back to her part, because it is/was way better than that credit I gave above) AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, Alicia Raimundo! A-lic-ia NOT a-leash-a because, as we were informed last night, Alicia means sandpaper in Polish (hahaha!) Alicia is referred to as the "Mental Health Superhero," as she has been battling depression, anxiety, along with a suicide attempt since the early age of 13. 

Valeorite's introduction was short and concise. Discussions of prevalent talks within parliament reach as far as discussing the issue of "end of life," and concluded by stating that this was NOT a doctor assistant conversation; rather it was for the community. THANK YOU! While I didn't expect it, boy would I have been bogged down if there was nothing but doctors going back and forth at one another as to their methodologies or approach to suicide prevention. But I was surprisingly one of few younger individuals in a full room. Yes, it was FULL! 

Alicia was the first to discuss her story, which was nothing less than remarkable. Like each and every individual at this event, or even someone who may be reading this, every story is unique and empowering in its own way. She opened the floor by presenting the three most common asked questions: "What happened?" "How did it change" and "How can I help?" 

What Happened:  As she proceeded to discuss her two parents who, similar to my own story, were two strong "superheroes," yet there was a wall built up around the family. The family is of a polish descent, who worked very hard A wall of distrust, which interfered in a great deal of Alicia's social abilities. 

Anyways, as claimed by Raimundo, the feelings being experienced were similar to teenager angst, but actually a hundred times worse, which she could not have described more perfectly than "Imagine the worst day of your life, every day of your life." Young Alicia became sad, yes, but progressively got worse over time, as she developed a sense of self-hatred and lack of self-worth. Though she tried talking to her parents about some of the things that were going off, her father, classically, before she could even finish her sentence of "Dad, I feel.." he interrupted by saying "Go talk to your mother." We all laughed at this point, because that is just so hilariously accurate for fathers everywhere. We love you guys, but lets just say I am sure Alicia is not the first, and certainly not the last, to have been "dismissed" (lack of a better word) by her father. 

Raimundo walked around the halls of her school more often than not alone, head down, with little interest in the peers around her. (Not because she was mean and didn't like them- I mean maybe, but I highly doubt that, as it sounded to me like she kept to herself).  So why didn't the school staff notice anything? Accordingly, teachers merely subjected Alicia's symptoms and characteristics as being "fiercely independent." Nevertheless, what struck me the most, or what really broke me up inside (like every one else in the room), was the day she had been given a chance, one chance, to speak to a "guidance counsellor" in an attempt to resolve some of the confusion regarding her feelings. She felt so far from normal, isolated, but found the courage to identify some of what was going on. Yet, as she stood behind her guidance counsellor, anticipating a conversation that she was genuinely looking forward to having (I’m confused at 23, at 13 I can’t even…question mark question mark), till she overheard her "counsellor" say to a fellow employee beside her "well, I have to go talk with the crazy girl now."

......I won't go there today, but Mental Health Literacy; it's not just necessary, it's fundamental to each and every one of our well beings, as it affects ALL of us. No one person should ever be labeled "crazy," especially when solely trying to comprehend the feelings of excessive confusion, despair, grief, guilt and shame. It is bad enough as it is out there. (I am not saying I know it perfectly either, heck I know for certain I do not always speak in mental health literal terms, but I have a pretty good idea/set of boundaries as to what I say and in what context) 

Shockingly, the comment made by Alicia's teacher deterred her from wanting to speak up, which sadly does not surprise me. Frankly, I don't presume it should surprise anyone, as prevention stems from intervention; the intervening of a group or individual in acknowledging and recognizing the feelings presented and encouraging, if not slightly demanding, that there are alternative resources in dealing with the pain and suffering. 

But, she went back to class, gave her favourite gel pen to the only girl she spoke to, and went that home that night to take her own life; only to wake up the next morning to realize one thing: the only thing she believed she had control over, her physical and mental well-being/existence, was now in a state of total hopelessness, as she woke up. In other words, it was an uncompleted suicide. 

As I am sure you can assume, Alicia is doing much better now. Like myself, she pokes fun throughout her story, as it made her who she is today; it is the reason she stood up in front of the (100? 200?) people that were there? Amongst the other 10, 000 she has spoken in front of in affiliation with Ted Talks. So, how did it change? Well, by sharing her story, but what the real mark of change was for Alicia was when she was standing in a subway station, and suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that the man standing near her was about to jump, or hurt himself...So, she put her arm in front of him and eventually he ran way. Last night, Alicia noted that now, she recognizes that that may not have been the most effective way to interfere, as he could have easily taken him with her, BUT "people don't save people, people save themselves."

So how can "I" or you help? Listen… and continue to spread awareness, sharing, caring, speaking up, because your life matters and you're not alone. I know how hard sometimes it can be, especially when you’re tired, and/or you had a long drive home because the traffic was crazy, stuffs going on at work, your relationship is in a mess, JUST LISTEN. WE NEED TO BE HEARD. 

If you think I'm done I would suggest going take a bathroom break, grab a cookie, or do what you need to do to get comfortable because now you're obligated to read on.. (sort of kidding) WHY? BECAUSE I AM NOT FINISHED AND THIS IS IMPORTANT. (If you know me, I say this very humorously, but am still darn serious) 

Jenn Ward. WOW! The eloquence in which she spoke, both during her speech and throughout Q and A. Jenn discussed three approaches in her line of work in the prevention of suicide, but brought to light the notion of "survivor identity," which is pretty darn cool and seemingly effective: Prevention, intervention and postvention. Prevention= education; educating communities on the vast facets of prevention strategies through discussions (like last night) on what WE can do to support one another, but more importantly, for ourselves. Additionally, by raising more and more awareness, "we" are simultaneously enhancing and advancing the methods and means in preventing others. 

For example, one particular area I had previously never considered was the mental health literacy used in my story. Now, I am a rather open individual (surprising? definitely not!), and when I spoke of how my attempt "went down" I explained with explicit detail. Now, I could understand the hesitation in sharing/seeing those details, as they are never easy to share and it affects everyone differently. But what I had not yet considered was that, by sharing the tools/resources of my attempt, I am simultaneously “giving them (an audience) ideas” as to the resources and tools necessary for this act. By no means was that the intent, but in interpreting that comment, it was definitely 1 of the many fundamental points of discussion that I walked away with. (And now you too!)

Ward’s ideology of survivor identity was absolutely incredible; when an individual acknowledges the personal strength acquired/required when coping after a traumatic experience, such as losing a loved one to a completed suicide; typically people feel a sense of being “victim” of suicide as opposed to a survivor of suicide loss or attempt. And understandably so, especially in the case where some carry the burden as though the suicide was a result of their “own” fault. Accordingly, in a situation where an attempt was unsuccessful, the caregivers, guardians, mentors, relatives, friends or whomever feel as though they cannot express their grief, as “there is no way” it could ever amount to being as tragic and devastating as the person who committed the act. But we’re all in this together, as cliché as that may sound, and we need to stick together. In other words, lets remove the blinds from limiting our perception of mental health/illness and suicide, and what constitutes as “being a survivor.”

Ward, too, mentioned that in times where people may ask “What did you survive?” (to each their own) simply respond with something such as “I don’t have to tell you, but I can tell you that I am a survivor of suicide loss or attempt (or both),”…Just remember that whatever you feel is ok, and you and your feelings are just as important as the person beside you. Which is why the topic of postvention is so fundamental,  as it is a provision of both “formal and informal” interventions conducted after a suicide largely taking the form of support for the bereaved. It has been suggested that family and friends of the suicide victim may be at an increasingly higher risk of attempting suicide themselves. Thus, postvention is prevention. As quoted by the World Health Organization: “Suicide is preventable,” which brings me to my next speaker, and topic of conversation, Tana Nash.

Nash concluded the guest speeches by giving us a “watering can”, metaphorically that is, as she challenged each of us to “plant a seed.” As previously stated, WE ALL CAN HELP. HOW? Media responsibility; what they are putting out to the public, or rather, what they are limiting from the public (it’s an idea, and not my own so please refrain from argumentative comments) intervention for vulnerable groups, especially Canadian First Nations… Or what if “we” put together a mandate for an electoral docket that ensures commitment to all sectors of the community for CPR, but in a mental health style. As far as I know, we are a brain based economy, thus the avoidance of Mental Health first aid, suicide prevention first aid, or training in either category in general is rubbish. I don’t know about you, but what do we have to lose when in hindsight we only have so much to gain?

 Well, I guess that's enough for today. Except for 1 last note: Saturday, November 22^nd, 2014 is International Survivors of Suicide day, as apart of the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. The link below, as I was informed last night, is for  "Survivors of Suicide Loss who can submit photos for our Survivors Slideshow, which will be presented on the final day of our Virtual Conference. “Help us reinforce the message to survivors: #YouAreNotAlone.”

https://www.facebook.com/CanadianAssociationforSuicidePrevention

 If you or anyone you know is struggling, don't wait any longer. Your life matters.  Click this link for further information: http://suicideprevention.ca/

Thanks for reading/listening, all!



(p.s. I tried taking as many accurate detailed notes as possible, but I am sure you can appreciate how I became rather distracted, and as as a result my notes turned into lecture-style abbreviations that I made up on the spot..if there is something missing, I apologize!) 

It's Only Temporary

In the summer I took a psychology course, which I absolutely loved (shocker!) But on the first day of class, after the introduction of course material etc. the discussion of dissonance really hit home for me. You see, humans need closure as we perceive wholes as opposed to fragments in order to complete the circle (shall we say). For example, one's experience can be portrayed through the pain we feel as a result of an abrupt ending in a relationship. 

I know I have experienced that type of pain and sadness before, as I was just left wondering; wondering how or why this was happening to me. Nevertheless, every one has their own view or perception of how to handle certain situations, which by no means is wrong, it's just not right. It seems to be human nature to finish what we start and if it is not finished, we experience dissonance. 

So don't be afraid to reach out or ask for help. At the end of the day, what do you have to lose? Heck, I'm on attempt #3 or 4 to try to attempt reconciling an event in my life that has caused a great deal of grief, guilt, shame and overall darkness. But I won't give up. This is my life and I only have 1 shot. 

Pink & Dallas Green

I cannot express how ecstatic I am about Dallas Green & Pink's new album release Rose Ave, featuring their new hit "You + Me" (you plus me)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNnBcCk7eDA

No rest for the wicked! 

Love, Colleen