Learn to Love

After my most recent post I can honestly say I am at a loss for words. I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying that goes something along the lines of “sometimes the best things in life are the things that scare you, but you do them anyway,”- that just about sums up exactly the way I feel/felt about sharing my experience with depression and anxiety. I truly could not be more grateful and appreciative of all the feedback I received, the kind words, messages, and general recognition is more than I could have ever anticipated or asked for.

The thing that I found to be the most remarkable as a result of my post was the effect it had on a great deal of my peers. Not because they suddenly began to understand what I was going through, but because so many have, or are currently, going through something so similar, if not the exact same experience. Moreover, several individuals, some of whom I have not talked to in years, acknowledged that seeing someone else put it all out there for all to see brought light to the situation, especially given that my disclosure came as a shock to many. I cannot stress enough how fundamental the relativity of these experiences are for all of us who suffer from the often time life threatening symptoms of depression in order to see that it does not define who we are. Life can show no mercy, and can convince us that we’ve lost sight of who we are, but as my wise mother told me, problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to. If you’re thinking that that idea is  “so much easier said than done,” you’re absolutely right. It is so much harder to try and stop myself from dwelling on negative thoughts, but when I do, I’m the best version of myself. BUT I had to learn that on my own. I now have a much better understanding of my issues, and I do not permit them to overwhelm me.  

            The black hole that is clinical depression is all consuming, or has been for me anyways. The constant feeling of being a burden to loved ones and friends, feeling like there is no other way out, feeling stuck and isolated, they’re all common symptoms of those who suffer from mood disorders. I know for certain the emotional roller coaster that is the derivative to those effects contributed to what I to perceive as an act of desperation, attempting to take my own life. Adding alcohol to the mix, well, it may have literally been my funeral.

I may sound repetitive in the sense that I emphasize the detrimental side effects in each article I write, but it’s because everyone needs to be aware of these symptoms. Yes, they are awful feelings and thoughts, but once you begin to understand them and take control, the weightlessness of it all is unlike any other. In this harsh world that we live in, it’s too easy to get caught up in all the tragedy and conflict that surrounds our every day life, but taking the necessary steps that I did, I now have the ability to see that this world is not so scary after all.

In the process of my own hurt, I was hurting those around me because I couldn’t understand why I was so miserable, and felt like everyone else was fine. I love love, and when I love something, it’s a deep sense of love. Throughout this journey I’ve come to notice that love is fundamental for both yourself and others around you. Loving myself was and still is a very tricky battle for me. I have always been extremely hard on myself in every way shape or form. No matter how many times people would comment on how bright or kind I was, I never saw it, and certainly did not feel it. I saw this girl who was dealt a crappy hand time and time again. Consequently, when I was drinking, the anguish and hurt from it all would just come out of nowhere. I hurt a lot of people in the process of my drinking with both my words and actions, and I know I may never be able to make ends right for those who suffered, but I can learn to accept them and move on so long as I remember I am a good person despite. We’ve all made mistakes, some worse than others, but no one is perfect. Love is never perfect but it is one of the most decent emotions we can feel. Without love, life is merely an exercise in existence.

Reminding one’s self or another how much love you possess for that individual will never go unnoticed or unappreciated. So take the time to make that extra effort every now and again to give and receive love. While it may not cure you, it will remind you that you do have something/someone worth living for.