Every Bit Counts, I Promise.

Upon hearing the recent tragic news about Robin Williams, my heart absolutely sank. Without a doubt Williams was a remarkable actor, one that I grew up with in a sense, like most of you, who made me laugh uncontrollably as a kid. My heart goes out to his family and friends, as I can only imagine the pain they are currently suffering.

When informed of the cause of death, being that Williams took his own life, my despair agitated me in a way that was all too familiar. I have not lost a relative or loved one of my own to suicide, but I am a suicide survivor.

For those closest to me, I am sure you have noticed my lack of attendance in participating in any/all events that include drinking/partying, or being social in any atmosphere for that matter. I feel as though I am finally ready to share my story, and why I am on this journey. 

              This past March after an evening out partying to relieve the exam stress, I went home and I sat on my bed. I was alone at the time, so naturally i was left with nothing but my own thoughts. These thoughts were not pleasant by any means, and how quickly they turned into reality was and still is shockingly scary to me. To be honest, I didn’t think I had anything to "think out" , as it all happened quite quickly and effortlessly. I began to write a note to my mom, to my dad, to my brothers, and suddenly I began to feel what I had just done to harm myself. Surprisingly, it didn’t bother or frighten me at that moment in time. I accepted that the likelihood of me waking up the next morning was, well, entirely unknown. Why? I could argue that I saw it as a way out, or an ‘easier’ way out, and that I had nothing left to give. I know for a fact I felt lonely, helpless, worthless, inadequate, many of the deep dark feelings one with depression often feels/believes.

What I didn’t realize then, as I do now 5 months later, is that my continuous drinking was what was actually killing me. Every time I drank it was for a purpose, whether that was a celebration, boredom, sadness, stress, you name it I was all in- we’ve all been there. I didn’t even need a purpose to drink because it was the norm. I was ‘responsible’ during the week and let hell break loose on weekends. Come on, what 23 year old, living away from home, doesn’t like to drink and party till the crack of dawn?

Looking back now with the amazing clarity I have acquired as a result of the reduced foggy/confused mental state I constantly found myself in, I was medicating my issues. Sure, I didn’t wake up and chug a 40 of straight gin or vodka, but the amount I consumed over the past, however long I had been drinking for (since i was 15, 16, 17?), was above and beyond- it began to feel like more of a job or a chore than fun and "living". Giving up, essentially, my whole life style was not an easy task, and could not have been done without the support and unconditional love of the people who care about me the most in this world.

I used to believe that there was no way in hell I could give up drinking. It’s apart of our culture; our generation, its advertised left right and centre and HEY, my family makes wine! I live on a vineyard that makes kick ass vino! Nonetheless, on a day-to-day basis I now ask myself: At what expense? The more I drank, my energy levels dropped, my anxiety began to rise as my recovery process was distressing my everyday life, and no matter how much sleep I thought I had caught up on, I was still constantly burnt out. I lost sight of myself, my values, my goals, my aspirations. Drinking always led to fighting with the people I cared about, 9/10 times I would find myself crying, and most importantly, it 110% enhanced my suicidal ideation. My excessive use of drinking stopped me from being the best version of myself I could possibly be, and ultimately almost took my life . This is not to say that I am cured, oh no, but I have seen a glimpse of the light through this very difficult process. Like so many others, I still have my mornings, nights, days, weeks, but what distinguishes me from who I was then, to who I am now is that I know I will be ok. I will no longer wait for “something good to happen to me”.  Why? Because it was/is up to me to make it happen. And so I have. I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility. I am more than ever in control of myself, my emotions, my life! The opposite of depression is not happiness, it's living. Living with the optimal quality of life

What I am trying to get across by sharing my story is that mental illness is all around us, and more often than not, people you would never expect could be seriously suffering. I know I am not the only one who is battling such a complex and painful disorder, and to those of you who read this, whether you’re directly or indirectly effected by similar a situation- don’t lose faith. Talk to someone! I am literally hanging on to people and their relativity to my situation because now, I feel EVERYTHING and i like to be reminded that what I am feeling is all apart of my journey. Trust the Process. 

Thanks for reading, 

Colleen