I love little coincidences like this!

I just picked up a book the other day called "What Happy Women Know" by Dan Baker and Cathy Greenberg to get myself back into the routine of reading, and why not read something relative to my situation? The book, thus far, sheds light and perspective on "new findings" that they believe can change women's lives for the better. Moreover, the book is delivered through a psychological lens, which for my case, is easily comprehended and only intrigues me more and more! 

Anyways, the coincidence of this particular excerpt that I found to be quite interesting, and a bit symbolic, is the comparison of Dorothy from Oz who "couldn't get home until she accepted herself for who she really was". My real name is Dorothy, as is my mother's, her mother, my boyfriends grandmother, need I say more? While some may find this to be a bit ridiculous, keep in mind that, I cling onto any glimmer of hope I can. Because it works. Dorothy from Oz and Dorothy from Ontario (me) have a pretty big issue in common; until I learn to accept myself for who I am, or see the good in myself versus the bad, I can make it 'home'. 

Another food for thought! 

Ciao for now! 

Colleen 

Learn to Love

After my most recent post I can honestly say I am at a loss for words. I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying that goes something along the lines of “sometimes the best things in life are the things that scare you, but you do them anyway,”- that just about sums up exactly the way I feel/felt about sharing my experience with depression and anxiety. I truly could not be more grateful and appreciative of all the feedback I received, the kind words, messages, and general recognition is more than I could have ever anticipated or asked for.

The thing that I found to be the most remarkable as a result of my post was the effect it had on a great deal of my peers. Not because they suddenly began to understand what I was going through, but because so many have, or are currently, going through something so similar, if not the exact same experience. Moreover, several individuals, some of whom I have not talked to in years, acknowledged that seeing someone else put it all out there for all to see brought light to the situation, especially given that my disclosure came as a shock to many. I cannot stress enough how fundamental the relativity of these experiences are for all of us who suffer from the often time life threatening symptoms of depression in order to see that it does not define who we are. Life can show no mercy, and can convince us that we’ve lost sight of who we are, but as my wise mother told me, problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to. If you’re thinking that that idea is  “so much easier said than done,” you’re absolutely right. It is so much harder to try and stop myself from dwelling on negative thoughts, but when I do, I’m the best version of myself. BUT I had to learn that on my own. I now have a much better understanding of my issues, and I do not permit them to overwhelm me.  

            The black hole that is clinical depression is all consuming, or has been for me anyways. The constant feeling of being a burden to loved ones and friends, feeling like there is no other way out, feeling stuck and isolated, they’re all common symptoms of those who suffer from mood disorders. I know for certain the emotional roller coaster that is the derivative to those effects contributed to what I to perceive as an act of desperation, attempting to take my own life. Adding alcohol to the mix, well, it may have literally been my funeral.

I may sound repetitive in the sense that I emphasize the detrimental side effects in each article I write, but it’s because everyone needs to be aware of these symptoms. Yes, they are awful feelings and thoughts, but once you begin to understand them and take control, the weightlessness of it all is unlike any other. In this harsh world that we live in, it’s too easy to get caught up in all the tragedy and conflict that surrounds our every day life, but taking the necessary steps that I did, I now have the ability to see that this world is not so scary after all.

In the process of my own hurt, I was hurting those around me because I couldn’t understand why I was so miserable, and felt like everyone else was fine. I love love, and when I love something, it’s a deep sense of love. Throughout this journey I’ve come to notice that love is fundamental for both yourself and others around you. Loving myself was and still is a very tricky battle for me. I have always been extremely hard on myself in every way shape or form. No matter how many times people would comment on how bright or kind I was, I never saw it, and certainly did not feel it. I saw this girl who was dealt a crappy hand time and time again. Consequently, when I was drinking, the anguish and hurt from it all would just come out of nowhere. I hurt a lot of people in the process of my drinking with both my words and actions, and I know I may never be able to make ends right for those who suffered, but I can learn to accept them and move on so long as I remember I am a good person despite. We’ve all made mistakes, some worse than others, but no one is perfect. Love is never perfect but it is one of the most decent emotions we can feel. Without love, life is merely an exercise in existence.

Reminding one’s self or another how much love you possess for that individual will never go unnoticed or unappreciated. So take the time to make that extra effort every now and again to give and receive love. While it may not cure you, it will remind you that you do have something/someone worth living for.

Every Bit Counts, I Promise.

Upon hearing the recent tragic news about Robin Williams, my heart absolutely sank. Without a doubt Williams was a remarkable actor, one that I grew up with in a sense, like most of you, who made me laugh uncontrollably as a kid. My heart goes out to his family and friends, as I can only imagine the pain they are currently suffering.

When informed of the cause of death, being that Williams took his own life, my despair agitated me in a way that was all too familiar. I have not lost a relative or loved one of my own to suicide, but I am a suicide survivor.

For those closest to me, I am sure you have noticed my lack of attendance in participating in any/all events that include drinking/partying, or being social in any atmosphere for that matter. I feel as though I am finally ready to share my story, and why I am on this journey. 

              This past March after an evening out partying to relieve the exam stress, I went home and I sat on my bed. I was alone at the time, so naturally i was left with nothing but my own thoughts. These thoughts were not pleasant by any means, and how quickly they turned into reality was and still is shockingly scary to me. To be honest, I didn’t think I had anything to "think out" , as it all happened quite quickly and effortlessly. I began to write a note to my mom, to my dad, to my brothers, and suddenly I began to feel what I had just done to harm myself. Surprisingly, it didn’t bother or frighten me at that moment in time. I accepted that the likelihood of me waking up the next morning was, well, entirely unknown. Why? I could argue that I saw it as a way out, or an ‘easier’ way out, and that I had nothing left to give. I know for a fact I felt lonely, helpless, worthless, inadequate, many of the deep dark feelings one with depression often feels/believes.

What I didn’t realize then, as I do now 5 months later, is that my continuous drinking was what was actually killing me. Every time I drank it was for a purpose, whether that was a celebration, boredom, sadness, stress, you name it I was all in- we’ve all been there. I didn’t even need a purpose to drink because it was the norm. I was ‘responsible’ during the week and let hell break loose on weekends. Come on, what 23 year old, living away from home, doesn’t like to drink and party till the crack of dawn?

Looking back now with the amazing clarity I have acquired as a result of the reduced foggy/confused mental state I constantly found myself in, I was medicating my issues. Sure, I didn’t wake up and chug a 40 of straight gin or vodka, but the amount I consumed over the past, however long I had been drinking for (since i was 15, 16, 17?), was above and beyond- it began to feel like more of a job or a chore than fun and "living". Giving up, essentially, my whole life style was not an easy task, and could not have been done without the support and unconditional love of the people who care about me the most in this world.

I used to believe that there was no way in hell I could give up drinking. It’s apart of our culture; our generation, its advertised left right and centre and HEY, my family makes wine! I live on a vineyard that makes kick ass vino! Nonetheless, on a day-to-day basis I now ask myself: At what expense? The more I drank, my energy levels dropped, my anxiety began to rise as my recovery process was distressing my everyday life, and no matter how much sleep I thought I had caught up on, I was still constantly burnt out. I lost sight of myself, my values, my goals, my aspirations. Drinking always led to fighting with the people I cared about, 9/10 times I would find myself crying, and most importantly, it 110% enhanced my suicidal ideation. My excessive use of drinking stopped me from being the best version of myself I could possibly be, and ultimately almost took my life . This is not to say that I am cured, oh no, but I have seen a glimpse of the light through this very difficult process. Like so many others, I still have my mornings, nights, days, weeks, but what distinguishes me from who I was then, to who I am now is that I know I will be ok. I will no longer wait for “something good to happen to me”.  Why? Because it was/is up to me to make it happen. And so I have. I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility. I am more than ever in control of myself, my emotions, my life! The opposite of depression is not happiness, it's living. Living with the optimal quality of life

What I am trying to get across by sharing my story is that mental illness is all around us, and more often than not, people you would never expect could be seriously suffering. I know I am not the only one who is battling such a complex and painful disorder, and to those of you who read this, whether you’re directly or indirectly effected by similar a situation- don’t lose faith. Talk to someone! I am literally hanging on to people and their relativity to my situation because now, I feel EVERYTHING and i like to be reminded that what I am feeling is all apart of my journey. Trust the Process. 

Thanks for reading, 

Colleen