Welcome, friends and readers alike! If this is your first time checking out my blog, I thank you for taking the time to read whatever you choose to on this page!
Please be aware that it is my way of creatively expressing my life trial's and triumphs. I share these for a simple reason and that reason is that I truly, truly believe the more we share, the more "normal" or de-stigmatized these life events will be. It reduces shame, it allows for freedom both verbally and emotionally. But more than that, it allows others to relate and feel not so alone in their everyday battles whether it's their child, parent, sibling, grandparent or all the above. Learning Disabilities affect all areas of life and it's time we lean into that.
Personally, I think we all owe something to our communities whether that be through acts such as unicef, volunteer work, donations, fundraisers, or simply sharing our stories-- we all have the power and ability to make this world a safer haven than it often appears. We all struggle uniquely, but we survive the same way.And while my current academics/career reflects that practice, so does my past.
I decided to share my speech, aka keynote address on my blog, online that I gave a few weeks ago to a crowd of 300 people! This was for the 59th Special Education Conference, sponsored by the Ontario Council for Exceptional Children that was held this past month in November in Niagara Falls and I was and am still so beyond honoured to have had this opportunity... Ironically, I named it after my blog as it is my personal journey of education, mental health and well being-- something that is beautiful and I continue to fight/battle/combat/Jessica Jones-It (minus the alcohol) every day I wake up.
For the record, I wrote the entire thing with the exception of a few quotes I added in so this is all my me. My values, beliefs, and principles put on metaphorical/technological pages and pages. As I once said in effort to share my "feminist" approach, if you do not like what you see I apologize for that, but I do not apologize for the actual content as it was not written with any other intention than to share with like minded individuals to identify or resonate...
Should you want to contact me regarding this speech please email dorothy.colleen.rennie24@gmail.com (no longer colleen.rennie24@gmail.com as that got hacked)
It has been a beautiful
fight, still is.
"Is there something wrong with me? It's a
question we all ask our selves. We all wonder why we don't look like, act like,
or feel like everybody else. Each of our brains has the exact same parts,
cortex, hypothalamus, fornix, septal nucleus, and so on. And yet, no two brains
are exactly alike. So being different, being unique, is undeniably a
fundamental characteristic of being human. That’s the reality. But if we
allow fantasy to engulf our thinking, we miss the reality that is right in
front of us. And sometimes, reality is not so bad. Our brains like to
explore potential outcomes that might help us achieve our goals, or avoid
danger.
For example, some of us imagine ourselves with
a Brad Pitt, or landing a dream job... an astronaut, a rock star, MAYBE even
become president one day. But fantasies can turn dark. You start to believe
there's a monster under the bed, or evil forces are aligning themselves against
us. All these fantasies, good and bad, stem from an evolutionary importance
that used to be essential for our survival.
Steve Jobs once said: “You can't connect the dots looking forward;
you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots
will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut,
destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has
made all the difference in my life.” And Jobs’ advisory is truly part of the
reason why I feel as though I’m standing on this stage up here today.
Jobs was a catalyst in contemporary societal values, principles,
and beliefs, as he challenged the world to “think differently”. If you look
across North America, companies all over the globe advertise and market how their
business product is different and unique from each other! We want uniqueness;
something different than the status quo, or the “norm,” as evolution is just
apart of this journey we call life.
Jobs’ was not afraid to make mistakes because he believed in his
own intuition. Did you know that six weeks prior to revealing the iPod the CEO
decided that plastic screens were a no go because he did not want the plastic
to scratch and decided to switch to glass? As TIME magazine Lev Grossman claims
“No other CEO on earth would have made that call. It meant an insane scramble
for materials and redesigning the casing to prevent shattering. Jobs didn’t
care about what anyone else thought but he cared about reality— that was
the only adviser he listened to.”
In summary, this man ultimately ended up building a company where
the primary focus was to enable other people to realize their own personal
visions; the Macintosh along with the word processors, video editors, photo
editors and eventually a whole Apple Store with iTunes wherein consumers could
purchase music for 99 cents versus stealing it offline. But that creative
component, the addition of music access, was the single most important,
creative invention for the world, as well as myself. You see, music was my
outlet, my emotional guide, my friend in times, a rational voice in others… I could
not understand math equations but I could understand the lyrical thought that
brought out emotions in me that needed to be felt.
Another lesson
I’ve grown to accept, pain demands to be felt, especially to know joy.
That’s another reason why quotes are so profound because they are like
mini instruction manuals—I believe in the power of words. Winston Churchill was
encouraging his countrymen to endure the hardships and terrifying uncertainties
of WWII when he said “Never Give In.” I think we took that advice and we took
it well.
In grade 11 I made the transition from private to public
education, as the only thing that kept me there were the sports teams I
excelled at, I thought it was time for a change. Of course at this point I was
not thinking about university or college, but the reality was and still is
grade 11 and 12 prepare you with the knowledge and skills you need to meet for
specific programs offered at these schools. But for me, I just wanted to make
it through a program and I took my chances by deciding to discontinue
mathematics after grade 11. This move, though I was happy to make it, caused me
to doubt my intelligence. I thought that the “talents” I had were not valued so
much as they were stigmatized.
There are a number of reasons why I chose not to take math,
chiefly being that my marks were consistently below the average, which took a
toll on what I thought intellectual abilities were. Why I say this is because
during this time, 8/10 of my classmates were applying to universities or
colleges for business programs and if you’re at all unaware of the requirements
for business, you have to take at least one of the two grade 12 math courses.
This set me apart immediately.
But that didn’t stop me from
applying just about everywhere for business administration!
I’m not kidding when I say I
had no clue what I wanted, where I wanted to go, or for what reason. I barely
knew who I was. So I ended up taking the year off and that was terrifying
because once again I felt as though I diverted from the “norm” and somewhere
down the road I was going to fall flat on my face. I was 17! I just got my
license the year before and suddenly I felt this societal force that went along
the usual lines of: moving away from home to post secondary education,
wherein I had to feed myself, AND make myself go to classes.
At that time, all of these
responsibilities seemed like lot to take on, certainly compared to my life at
home. You see, when I’m at home something magical happens-- I put my clothes on
the ground and by the time I come back to my room they’re clean, and folded.
So, I remember feeling that uncertainty of whether I would be able to take care
of my daily life tasks and be able to complete my homework within a
given timeline. When and where will I find time to balance my social life, I
thought. Then I quickly reminded myself my social life has never been
a problem for me to balance, it was accurately balancing it with the rest of my
life and priorities—that was more the “problem”.
At this time, my interests were in the arts, such as music! I
loved to sing, but I was still in my head thinking that was a far reaching
dream. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t benignly steered in a different
direction or told once or twice before that I shouldn’t do music because I
won’t become a musician, or not to go into arts because becoming an artist is
not a practical, concrete job.
So then I thought maybe fashion, but those courses were only
available at colleges. My view of colleges at this time was constructed of a
narrow perception that labeled college students as “less than” the alternative.
That is so far from what I know now. Yet, I was advised by one of my parents I
could not go to college unless I got into university.
I love my parents very much.
They are wonderful human beings who did the best job they possibly could to
raise me. I know if it weren’t for them I would not be remotely close to where
I am or who I am today. Having said that, there are still times where I question
had I followed the path I “wanted” to take, where would I be? If I had the
chance to pursue what I wanted, a creative endeavor versus a “practical” one--
the reality is I am where I am now for a reason. I believe everything does
happen for a reason, as cliché as that might sound, but this journey of mine
has been miraculous and I owe that all to my ups and downs. As the young Anne
Frank once said, “parents can only give good advice or put them (children) on
the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their
own hands.”
So after that year I decided
it was finally my time to step out from my ordinary world into a world of
“adventure” so I enrolled at Wilfrid Laurier. And this is where my Journey as a
self proclaimed Mental Health Super, Sailor Moon, Wonder Woman Hero, begins…
“In the cave you fear to enter lies the treasure you seek..” but let me take
you back to my once ordinary world.
1:00 Ordinary world
In grade 12 I remember a
teacher kindly told me that I was incapable of writing an essay. And hey, at
the time he was probably right, but rather than being constructive or trying to
assist in any way, he continued to inform me that I would never make it into
university let alone through it with my written skills as they were. This was a
kicker to my creative abilities, as I knew I was not a math girl, but writing?!
Come on! I felt like I was doing it all wrong. And I had set expectations
for myself that were pretty high, but I thought I could and would live up to them.
Now, these expectations that I held for myself were expectations that, at the
time, I thought I needed to have.
Seeing that my two older
brothers were at university, I knew and felt I had to go. When looking at my
parents, they were apart of the minority who went to university, as the
majority of students from their graduating class chose the alternative to post
secondary education. I perceived these minority individuals, as the go-getters,
the people who were aspiring to become an astronaut, rock star, nations top
real estate agent, or own a vineyard and make wine as a hobby. In other words,
I felt the pressure of finishing school and then entering the work force for
twenty plus years, as that was how I understood what was socially and
culturally qualified for becoming an accomplished adult.
But what got in my way, was
my own presumption being that any individual who went to university had a key
set of skills in common: personal and social competence with a willingness to
perform academically in a university/high stress/academia focused environment.
This once again reinforced
the prediction I made about myself along with our education system and how it
seeks to enhance student’s academic ability, and somewhere along the way after
that you find a suiting job. But this idea of university, getting a job, and a
successful one at that was the only prospect I had going for me. I was
convinced that the only way to be happy was to work really hard, get into
university and get my life together.
Even that sentence alone blows my mind; I knew none of those words
5 years ago.
At the age of 18 I sought professional therapy due to family,
personal romance issues “wah wah” but that was the reality of my life at
this time. It was certainly not easy to comprehend the feelings and emotions I
was experiencing, as I felt very deeply, so this was the time wherein music
heavily influenced my life. Artists such as Dallas Green aka City and Colour,
it was enlightening, sad, but validated a lot of my feelings. Ironically when
the first iPod came out I was all over it, as I had been burning CD’s for my
car, but those seemed to often disappear, if not be re-burned with music from
the 70’s. Needless to say, it never ceased to amaze me how musicians creative
ability could harness so many similar threads to what I was experiencing,
though we were undoubtedly going through different times. My love for this type
of music and what I considered as therapeutic meant that whatever Dallas Green
was going through also meant something to me. Though, we are two totally
separate individuals, it emphasizes a one of the most single, important aspects
of music to this day: while humans are all so fundamentally different, we
all carry similar thread; to be able to find meaning in life, like Green has, and
share that gift with the world is so powerful in so many ways.
In 2009 I was diagnosed with
Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and relative weakness in working
memory, processing speed, and a mathematics disability. The last result did not
surprise me whatsoever, rather it confirmed my decision to no longer pursue
math in any form. However, what the other diagnoses meant was that my
ability to retain knowledge by memory was more difficult than the “norm”, and
to no fault of my own. I never saw that as a “problem” as much as I just
thought I had a total lack of interest in everything and anything where
learning school subjects was involved.
The same year I sought
professional help, I happened to take a six-hour psych assessment. Though I had
newfound answers, I was uncertain about my results and not because I did not
like what I was told, I was just surprised at how long it went unknown or
unnoticed. I knew I struggled immensely, but I thought that was just a side
effect of being me, which it still is
What I did
not realize then was that not only was my condition not being treated, but I
was not taking it seriously.
Looking back I can now
understand why my levels of depression and anxiety heightened, as those who
have a learning exceptionality such as ADHD, can be exposed to learning
disabilities, emotional or behavioural disorders, and substance abuse—this was
something I also struggled with but didn’t look after. My idea of substance
abuse was somewhat skewed, as I did not realize the implications that went
along with drinking 4 or 5 days a week at university and that blacking out was
actually not a common or positive side effect of drinking alcohol. I thought,
however, it was fun to wake up and say night after night “what the heck
happened last night?!” I don’t know but lets do it again! So I did.
And to no surprise I was asked by Laurier to take a leave of
absence. Not because of my partying itself, but because I partied, I rarely
attended class or finished assignments. It didn’t help either that I was not
interested in the material I was learning, but I did not give that first
semester a real chance.
2:00 Assistance from a wiser, older someone.
When I received the letter from Laurier, which asked me to leave,
my world turned upside down. This was the beginning of my catastrophic thinking, as it was one of the most defeating academia based events
that hit me. Not only did I take a year off already, but I had assumed the
skills and ability to become an independent woman would just come to me in
time. Too, because I had dealt with a lot of real life situations, I truly
believed I was already pretty independent—don’t we all.
It’s fair to say; I didn’t know how to handle real school life
situations so I just did, well, whatever. However, this was a big wake up call
for me because at the time the idea of telling my parents and my peers that I
was asked to leave was mortifying. I didn’t want to be the odd one out again,
so I reached out to psychologist and she gave me some options, one of which
included a letter to appeal my case with the hope that the school would give me
a second chance. Thankfully I got that chance.
With two weeks till school started, I finally received a letter
confirming that I was allowed back in under a couple of conditions; probation
until I got my GPA up and I was made a part time student, which meant I only
had to take three courses. I remember thinking to myself at the very least, if
I’m there, people will know I’m doing something and not “nothing.”
As you may be able to tell, I was incredibly concerned with
people’s opinions of who I was, where I was, and what I was doing. In other
words my personal, social and academic competence was always at risk of being
judged.
3:00 Departure: The hero crosses the threshold from her normal,
safe home, and enters the special world and adventure—“We’re not in Kansas
Anymore”
As I, Dorothy Colleen Rennie headed off to Waterloo, otherwise
known as the special world of my next adventure. I had to overcome any fears I
had and had some faith that I could do this. I knew I had to crack down and
take my studies seriously, but in order to do that I had to take courses of
interest and my brother often spoke passionately about history and it often
sucked me in, so I started taking some history courses and I couldn’t believe
it—I was excelling! Now, by excelling I mean I went from D’s to C’s and B’s,
which felt like an A++. Those would impact my GPA much better than the previous
year.
This also meant that I had to slow down my social life to ensure I
could make it to class and complete my assignments within their given timeline.
While it was a great idea, I still partied a lot, skipped classes,
as I focused more on completing the big tasks that were worth more. I didn’t
find value in attending other classes at this time and not because I did not
gain knowledge from classes I attended, I just didn’t want to attend class. It
was hard work, as this meant double the research, often teaching myself ideas
and concepts. But I was getting by.
It certainly did not help that I did not like asking for help, I
saw it as a weakness, similar to the idea of failing. I lived across campus for
the majority of my time at Laurier, yet still could not find the motivation to
go to campus, especially during the winter months. My lack of motivation and unwillingness
to learn led to a lot of self-destructive thinking, like how my roommates could
complete their work and still find time to just hangout and not think about it,
whereas my work felt all consuming. But unfortunately I made it that way. I
lost all faith in my abilities to be student at university, but because it was
still what “everyone else was doing” I stuck with it. I knew things could be
worse than they were, and that a lot of the grief and angst I was feeling was
brought on because of the procrastination I commonly found myself in.
4:00 Trials
One of the biggest trials I faced on an everyday basis that went
unrecognized by yours truly, was my disregard for my own well being,
physically, mentally, but also emotionally. I was incredibly hard on
myself academically despite knowing my abilities. I felt like a failure, I was
embarrassed, ashamed, felt inadequate but rather than trying to resolve any of
those feelings I just suppressed them thinking I would be ok in time.
Time did not serve me well, as the more time went on, the more I felt like I
was living the life of this person who I didn’t know, but thought I had to be.
I would make jokes saying I had an alter ego, Dorothy, as that is my government
issued name. Dorothy was the academic, and Colleen was the life of every party.
This party lifestyle, however, was in itself a trial in my life
because I planned everything around my social schedule. More importantly, I was
being medicated for various things and again did not realize the implications of combining alcohol and my medications.
To be honest, I did not like the way my medications made me feel
so I would take them on my own schedule. This is not to say by any means I
abused them, however, I would not take them on weekends so I could just feel
like myself. What that was, I can’t tell you and not for any other reason than
I did not know what that meant at the time either.
I haven’t told many people that, let alone that I was medicated
because there was this huge stigma attached to it that just read “ you’re
different and not going to make it in this world, especially if you have to
take medication.” I was so, so misinformed.
I lacked self-awareness skills and never did I listen to my
intuition or have the courage to follow my heart and where I wanted to go. I
was so IQ focused, I didn’t even realize emotional intelligence existed. Go
figure.
5:00 Approach
But I kept on going, just scraping the bottom of the barrel, but
that was enough for me. And before I knew it, I was in third year. I had made
it past my probation period, was back in full time courses, and faced what I
considered at the time was my worst fear—the
possibility of losing
my mother to breast cancer. Fortunately the strength to persevere, though the
odds are against you, which I now recognize we both posses, came oozing out of
her and I’m beyond pleased to say she is here today, happy and healthy! And she
has four German shepherds at home to keep her busy!
Just when I thought, “I’m doing it!” a tidal wave of grief,
sadness, bafflement, and confusion hit me directly in the face. At the age of
21 I found out I was pregnant. Now, originally I wasn’t going to add this bit
into my discussion, but it is a critical part of my journey that got me to where
I am now. My boyfriend at this time lived in another province so I had no
choice but to face this directly and pretty well on my own. Once again, I did
not tell my parents or my peers, “I just dealt with it.” Given my track record
at this time I felt as though I knew what pain felt like and so I knew it was
possible to keep going, though the going seemed incredibly tough. In
addition, I had just spent the last three years learning about
the struggles of humanity and the price that had been paid throughout history
so for me to struggle with this one thing, who was I to complain?
In my eyes, I was just another silly, young woman in a stage of
life that had no choice but to just live-- nobody can live this life for me; I
have to do it myself. So what did I do? I just tried to exist. Once again,
ignoring my thoughts, ideas and emotions, but I did take on any personal issues
that were not of my own, as I found it empowered me. To be able to talk someone
down when they’re feeling all sorts of chaos. That was a good feeling.
Just the other day for example, I had a friend call me to wish me
good luck on this speech; he then continued to tell me how over the past 5
years we’ve been friends, I’ve always been there for him to give him “much
needed advice” in times of grief, or as I like to call it: relationships (haha)
—they can be very trivial.
Nevertheless, I was and have
been “that silent voice in (his) head that says, “How would Colleen think about
this situation?” Naturally I was flattered, but what I could not get over was
the pride in his voice as he told me he had “self corrected” his own thinking
AND because of that, it resulted in a much better outcome than previous years.
I couldn’t help but giggle and ? in the simple yet encouraging phone call he gave me.
I remember being able to
shovel out advice for my friends like I was already an expert, when in reality
I was just passing along the knowledge and information I remembered from
meeting with various professionals. There is no denying that this was simple,
yet solid advice, —I would remind them things such as problems only bother you
to the degree to which you permit them to, that this is not a forever feeling,
it can be temporary, it can be managed, you’re not alone and I’m always here if
you need to talk or vent. And for a lot of people, that last line meant the
world to them and I was honoured so I had no problem pretending to be their
therapist whether it was their relationships or parents health, their own
health, being pregnant—I was your girl.
Now I’m sure you’re wondering where I found time for myself or
even if I found time for myself. Well I did, or at least I thought I did
because all that consisted of was a night out with my friends to “forget our
problems” not realizing when we woke up the next day, they would still be
there.
6:00 Crisis
This third year was heavy in
terms of personal conflicts; workload and the winter seemed to be one of the
harshest I had ever experienced. I lived in a basement apartment and although
it was beautiful, you could not help but feel like you were isolated. Plus, the
only times I went outside were to either party, or get food—while I did not
live alone I sure felt alone.
It was March of my third year
where these thoughts of feeling alone came crumbling down. I kept
wondering when that time would come where I felt healed, as I heard that time
had the power to heal—but t. I would often think about my childhood, who I used
to be, and felt like I lost sight of that person. I had this façade of being
happy on the outside but felt absolutely nothing on the inside. I forgot what
it felt like to be content, to not wonder what was coming up next academically
or that I would likely fail; how I hurt so many people in the my midst of
my drinking simply because I didn’t remember, which made it easy to “forget”
That’s when it hit me:
it was seldom I went one weekend without this partying lifestyle,
even though I could barely stand the music or the people, I just kept on going.
I contemplated how I never
made it to Monday classes because of this weird feeling in the pit of my
stomach, and that felt awful both physically and mentally. Though I would blame
it on it being a “Monday” in reality I continuously felt academically
unprepared but more so emotionally unprepared. In other words, The idea of
being in a classroom, “taking notes” – I just couldn’t handle it on Mondays.
However, Tuesdays we were back in action. But this was largely due to my own
lack of self-care. Going on and off my medications, drinking alcohol while not recognizing
that it was a depressant. I had really painted myself an awful picture of
who and where I was—but again it was reality. It’s safe to say that if there
was ever a time that I felt different from everybody, absolutely less than with
no potential for growth it was here and now. So what did I do? I went out
and partied and pretended or procrastinated on what I had to do. Ultimately, I
became very fearful of what was to come and the idea of that, what was to come,
though it was totally unpredictable-- scared the heck out of me.
This night, , however, prior
to going out when I was getting ready this laid back electronic song came on in
my room called L.I.F.E by an unfamiliar artist.
I could recognize the voice
in the speech being told, but my memory was not recalling where it had come
from, but it grabbed my attention in seconds after hearing
“Sometimes life’s going to
hit you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith”
In that moment, I stopped everything due to this captivating lyric. The
gentleman’s voice continued on to say that he was convinced that the only
“thing” that kept him going was that he loved what he did and we have got to
find what we love, like with all matters of the heart we have to believe that
we are doing “great work”. More importantly, this seemingly divine intervention
emphasised that I have to find what I love, as the only way to be truly
satisfied is to love what you do. “If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking
and don’t settle.”
I broke down in tears of
sadness, and some relief recognizing everything he said made total sense and
yet I had none of it. Lucky for me, and anyone for that matter it’s never too
late to start over.
I had an idea of what I
wanted to do, but my perception at the time was so narrow I did not have the
courage to dare think of my life that did not follow the direction of societal
value. My friends were becoming lawyers, going off to other countries to do
their masters, and I was barely getting by in my undergrad. Needless to say I
wish I had continued listening to that song, as it went on to stress one of the
most important life lessons I have ever gained. But my head was cluttered with
thoughts of fear of embarrassment and failure.
Later that evening during March I went out with one of my roommates
who had finished her last assignment of the year. I knew I had a massive
politics paper due, but the fear and anxiety of trying to simply finish it was
too much and celebrating this sounded way better. This night I came home and
despite being under the influence, which for a while distracted my self
loathing thoughts, I knew I had to wake up and face tomorrow. The feelings of
inadequacy, worthlessness, consistent “academic failure,” feelings of ever
being happy again, wondering how I got so lost came flooding over me. I did not
feel like I had a purpose or meaning, and the direction I was going in made no
sense at all. Within a matter of minutes and no hesitation I had made a choice
that would alter my life forever; the choice in attempting to take my own life.
7:00: Treasure
I woke up the next morning and admitted myself to the hospital,
and despite the loop this threw everyone including myself through, it was the
first time I had gone through a struggle coming out the other side thinking,
“it’s about THAT time to make some serious change.”
It took an experience such as this to really make me realize that
I did have a purpose on this earth, I was just too afraid to listen to my gut
and intuition. I knew and still know that I was stronger than I ever gave
myself credit for. And more importantly, I knew this was a conflict that could
not simply be swept under any rug, and despite my fear of the unknown, I made
the decision to surrender to what is, let go of what was, and move forward with
my life one day at a time.
Ironically that evening while at home, I played that song only to
find out it was Steve Job’s convocation speech that he gave at Stanford
University in 2005. Did you know this was the closest he had ever come to a
college graduation? Jobs dropped out of college after first semester. It’s hard
to believe that the man who invented Apple, a genius who changed our world and
transformed the lives of so many was a college dropout.
In the moment I remember thinking” You have got to be kidding me,
this just doesn’t happen” BUT THEN IT GOT even better.
He was fired from Apple only to be rehired after creating Pixar
animation, you know that American computer animation film studio that single
handedly changed my childhood through creation of Toy Story? In 15 short
minutes, this guy became my hero simply because of the way he thought.
For whatever reason Jobs was a man who thought very different and
very strangely, and as I’ve come to recognize, most exceptional people do. I
was in awe that people’s opinions did not matter to him—reality did. Moreover,
when considering his projects, he did not really invent things as much
as he recognized them, or recognized that he could bring order to whatever
human chaos he observed. Even the way he thought about death was
inspiring:
Remembering
that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help
me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external
expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things
just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap
of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no
reason not to follow your heart.
Jobs’ went on to say that death is life’s change agent, it clears
out the old to make way for the new “and the new is you he said.” I’m the new.
We are the new.
8:00: Result
Since that day in March I have made some remarkable changes and
contrary to how unpleasant my “solution” was-- all those struggles in
retrospect strike me as the most beautiful. Without any of those feelings or
experiences I would not have found a power, strength, and belief in myself. I
would not see my instincts as a virtue, but rather as fleeting thoughts that
cross my imagination.
9:00 Return
The following September I
returned to Laurier for my last semester, but something had to change and
thankfully it did, but not without a great deal of effort and willingness to
try. I gave up drinking and my party lifestyle, as I decided I wanted to live a
more authentic, clear minded life and that I was no longer afraid of what might
come my way.
In doing so I finally
graduated from Laurier and had all the choice in the world on next steps, but I
chose to take my time this time around. I did not want to rush into anything
like I did with Laurier, so I decided to volunteer with the Canadian Mental
Health Association, as I loved working with kids and I felt pretty passionate
for anything related to field of mental health. As time went on, being in the
various schools and seeing first hand the impact I could make in one kid’s
life, through one hour a week—it was and still is absolutely remarkable. And, I
wouldn’t be true to myself if I stood up here and pretended like I had no part
in this kid’s development, as I was committed. Together we were an amazing
team, and it brought out my inner kid; playing basketball and horse, cutting
out pieces of paper and tracing each other, though I was exceptionally taller
than he was.
It made me realize a very important life lesson, however, that I
am happy to share with you: Kids will take a chance. If they don’t know,
they’ll still have a go. They are not frightened of being wrong, whether
academically or creatively speaking. And frankly, at 24 I am re-learning that
if you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything
original—you won’t get to marvel in the splendor that is all you, your
authentic self.
I was so afraid of being wrong all throughout my childhood into
adolescence and adulthood (I am, basically) that I scared myself to a point
where mistakes were stigmatized as disasters.
I’m far from perfect, but I am certainly not my mistakes.
10:00 New Life
This journey I have had the privilege of sharing with you today
has completely transformed me in to the person I am now. I am still Colleen,
with a passion for music, writing, and I love being active. It was such a
simple piece of advice my mentors would suggest and while I would try, I did
not try the consistent route, which, If I do say so myself works much better
than “re starting” each week. More importantly, without alcohol in my
life I have the ability to live each day as a new day; I no longer have a
burden of anxious feelings sitting on my shoulders for no purpose except fear;
I am a student at Fanshawe College learning what I want to learn with a class
of 15 others whom, collaborate and motivate one another to become the best
version of our self possible. After all, we have all the same goal in mind and
how does an elephant eat his dinner? One bite at a time.
It is fair to say that this
past winter forced me to leave my comfort zone of “do nothing and expect
something” to “do something and expect nothing.”
I have come to know a new
form of happiness, which can be defined as “where one’s needs are met by an
untroubled inner life. Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit
to others.”
It still strikes me as
shockingly beautiful that I suddenly know and live a new freedom, a new reality
and a new vitality for life. I do not regret any of my past, nor do I choose to
close the door on it. As cliché as it may sound, I firmly believe
everything happens for a reason and though I may not have said that going
through these times, individuals such as Bill Wilson, one of the founders of
Alcoholics Anon influenced me in miraculous ways; I now comprehend the word
serenity, and with grace I have made peace with my past. No matter how far down
the scale I may have gone, I still see how all of these experiences good, bad
or otherwise can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity has
certainly disappeared.
11:00 Resolution
So what’s my resolution?
Well, all of the tales I have mentioned throughout this discussion—I rarely
told them to anybody at the time—all the wrecking balls inside my brain. But I
have shared them all with you this morning and if you recall earlier I
mentioned that ‘in the cave you fear to enter lies the treasure you seek” – I
no longer let fear hold me back.
I learn differently than my classmates. I write differently than
my classmates. I am slower than a great deal of my classmates. When writing
tests or examinations, I write in a separate classroom. When it comes to assignments, rather than feeling that
aching feeling of “if I don’t do this I am going to fail and then that will
result in a trickle effect,” I ask for some sort of assistance or guidance
rather than just guessing. Surprisingly enough, my classmates do as well.
So again I ask myself, am I different than anybody else? Is there
something wrong with me? No. I am not my illness, I have an individual story to
tell, with history, I have my own personality and staying myself is part of the
battle.
12:00 Status quo, but upgraded.
I recently found a quote that really made me
stop and think: If you had to make a list of all the things you loved on this
earth, how long would it take you to list yourself?
I have come to recognize that acceptance, patience,
compassion, and continuous dedication to your forever-evolving self, are
all-important elements in trying to reach a secure, well being.
E.E. Cummings wrote: “To be nobody but yourself
in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else is to fight the
hardest battle you are ever to fight. Never stop fighting.”
I was so ready to grow up and become
“something,” because I was too afraid I would amount to “nothing.” I am
fortunate that I got the chance to take a step back at look at myself and
really realize that maybe this journey isn’t so much about becoming anything as
it is unbecoming everything that isn’t really me. Then, maybe, I will be who I
was meant to be in the first place. However I learned that in order to do that,
I had to let go of some demons first, as I realized I’m worth it and it’s about
time I validate that to myself, for myself. I learned to accept the various
pieces that set me apart from other people because that’s my reality and that’s
ok! Embrace it, own it; learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other
people loving you. Ultimately, I learned that I still have a lot to learn.
When I found the guts to move forward with my
life in a world that, at the time, seemed completely unfamiliar—to salvage what
I could from the wreckage I created to carry on with my life I made a promise
to myself: I promised myself I would be steadfast and that I would not live in
the past. I would keep my head forward and hold it high, as there is an
enormous difference between living in the past and looking at it. It’s ok to
look at back, but as someone incredibly wise once told me the past is
reference, not residence.
No two people are the same, as it should be. If
we didn’t have unique, exceptional, talented thinkers or differences in our
character, we would all be stuck in the same box. Can you imagine our world as
it stands today without the creation of Apple? Regardless of how you feel about
Apple or Jobs, the reality is that it took stepping out of his comfort zone, a
socially constructed societal comfort zone, to allow us to have the resources
we do. Without courage and thought such as Jobs’ we might not have the
technological advancements that we do that allow us to grow, learn, and teach
in and develop in different ways.
As you can maybe tell, I love quotes. Quotes,
similar to music, speak to me in times when I can honestly say I don’t know how
else I am going to ground or balance myself in that moment, which leads me to
my last quote by Job’s:
“Bottom
line is, I didn’t return to Apple to make a fortune. I’ve been very lucky in my
life and already have one. When I was 25, my net worth was $100 million or so.
I decided then that I wasn’t going to let it ruin my life. There’s no way you
could ever spend it all, and I don’t view wealth as something that validates my
intelligence.”
The best
journeys answer the questions that in the beginning you don't even think to ask
and in this case, I never asked myself what “worth” meant, let alone what I
wanted to amount to, but my heart and intuition knew and still knows that it is
to serve a greater purpose. It is not about the influx of wealth, but rather
the influx of difference. And once again, unlike graduating year classmates,
the only way I could do this was by diverting from the norm—Get a 4 year
undergrad degree at Laurier and decide you want to get a Ontario college
diploma in Child and Youth Care!
But I
absolutely love my college experience and I think that is largely because I
have finally found my forte, my niche, and my passion. I no longer have
thoughts of “what if” and that too feels quite wonderful.
Because
now I KNOW I have a core set of talent, skills and abilities that
makes me excited and want to get up every single day knowing I have no idea
what to expect, but something good will surely come from it—so long as I make
an effort to learn. And I try. I cannot stop trying no matter how off path I
may feel. Unless I get lost of course, I will turn around at that point.
Here I
want to ask, why is everyone so worried about being normal? We should celebrate
uniqueness and the talents that individuals with exceptionalities can do,
because it is absolutely extraordinary. And from personal experience, if used
in the right direction there is no telling where you may end up!
Learning disabilities of Canada redefined the
meaning of learning disabilities in 2002 to include new elements including that
learning disabilities are neurobiological, genetic, lifelong and do not just affect
the area of education, but affect all areas of life:
Learning
Disabilities refers to a number of disorders which may affect the acquisition ,
organization, retention, understanding or use of verbal or nonverbal
information. These disorders affect learning in individuals who otherwise
demonstrate at least average abilities essential for thinking and/or reasoning.
As such, learning disabilities are distinct from global intellectual
deficiency.”
If we want
to help others we must be heard, but we must also be seen. In order to achieve
my goals I’m not only learning to speak up, but to speak out. We need to
recognize and fully acknowledge that a disability is not an inability, rather a
unique set of talents, that if guided in a nurturing and supportive environment
youth and adults may not be afraid of being wrong, or making mistakes; for
every mistake we have an accessed to opportunity to grow and discover. Be brave
enough to trust your heart, intuition, gut, or at the very least your journey,
as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create
your own path towards happiness. Speak up knowing that your words help reset
our intentions, clarify our thoughts, and create a counter narrative to the
voice of doubt many of us have murmuring in our heads.
But also be sensitive to it
in your own life. Listen for your call to adventure. Accept the
challenge. Conquer your fear and claim the treasure you seek. And most
importantly, listen to your gut and intuition- it somehow already knows where
you want to be, everything else is secondary.
Now. Before I come to a close, I want to ask the audience—Does
anybody have a journey or story
of triumph they would
like to share today? I know there is some time for Questions and Answers,
but I would love to hear about you or a loved one, a friend—I know I am not the
only one in this room with a story. "
Love always,
Dorothy Colleen Rennie
