Dear, You Know Who You Are

I've been told time an time again to write you a letter, as incase you didn't know already my depression has become more severe than ever before. But thats not the purpose of this letter; rather, I would like to shed some serious light on what I learned last week in 26 minutes or less- from a total stranger- who just so happened to be a medium.

By no means do I wish to bring up our past but in order for me to move forward, I need to once and for all attempt to try and end this chapter of my life. And this experience, in such a short period of time, granted me the chance to finally see how our situation changed my life for the better.

That year in March, I can honestly say I've never, ever felt so alone in my life, which you have to admit seems pretty sad and perplexing, as not only were you there "trying your best," but I had another life inside me.

Ironically enough, this woman whom I had never met before channelled a baby wearing a white knitted dress and a pink hat, so I proceeded to explain what I thought could have symbolized that baby. But before I could finish the story, this woman, without any hesitation, asked me if I was alone.
None of the stories I had mentioned even implied that I was alone, as I'm pretty sure I was talking about my nana passing away, and what she had said upon being in a coma which was related to the recent news of my mom being pregnant- with me.

Yet, during that experience, the one word I can say 110% represents the way I felt during that painful month in march is lonely. You were a plane ride away, in school, so I had to pick up the pieces and I did. But remember, I wasn't alone, right? Danielle was there and I told the medium this, but again, she stopped me in my tracks and said that "my guides" kept claiming that information was incorrect, just as they did when I tried calling myself Dorothy at the beginning of the session. (also the first time EVER in history anyone has agreed to NOT call me Dorothy I might add).

 Now, if you give it some serious thought, I was alone. But guess what? Dorothy, my nana whom I've never met, told this woman about all the above, and that she was with me during this difficult time. A spirit, whom i've always idolized despite never having the chance to meet her. This little bit of information, gave me the opportunity to find a huge sense of relief, which I truly felt like I would never have; relief of grief, relief of shame, guilt, the list could go on. There is not one health practitioner that I have crossed paths with, whether they were a  psychologist, recovery counsellor, mentor, or you're every day doctor who agrees with the notion that this type of experience is one memory that will never truly escape anyone. But that doesn't mean I couldn't get some reconciliation, right?

I am not writing this to be malicious, as that trait hs ever sat well with me to begin with. I'm writing you this because, similar to the situation you found yourself in as a result of my wrong doings, I was left broken in a situation that I could not have ever imagined getting any worse. Classically, I put others needs in front of my own- aka your problems ontop of the living seed inside of me. God it was like yesterday, I can still hear you calling me about your "rough" day at school, like I didn't have enough stress as it was. But I listened, and I gave you every opportunity to talk to me, even before the pregnancy. As if you  you audaciously told me at the end that "I asked for too much". I'm sorry, I don't recall asking to be pregnant, but that was the hand I was dealt so I worked it out March 26, 2012; a date I may never forget, I figured it out.

Then I lived with it for a year plus. I'm not asking for your pitty as, come on, who the heck can you talk to, other than a professional counsellor, who could provide me with any value or meaning to what I had just been through. Surprisingly, a lot! But I didn't know that at the time. So, I proceeded to drink myself into oblivion without realizing the consequences in every way shape or form, tried to manage school "again," and found myself in a totally foreign relationship. Poor T, I was always crying in absolute despair, and then attempted to take my life in March of this year. In other words, I put myself through hell. Now, I take FULL responsibility for all that I did and have said. I f*cked up, I hurt you, and more importantly, I hurt myself x3 in the process. But still..I'd like to thank you. Seriously, thank you.

You see, you and I are on totally different paths, as we've always been. Your first priority was, and still is, yourself- naturally so. In many ways I understand how all time you've had the ability to ensure your guard is up, and that there is no reconciliation between you and I, as I hurt you. Badly. Sorry. Of course I never wanted to hurt you, but I gave up; on you, us, but most importantly, myself. I laugh at myself NOW about the way I USED to beat myself up, because I was so friggen hard on myself everyday. I guess that was your opinion, or idea, that I just didn't deserve a single word- none at all. Unless of course it was to serve your own purposes, but never would it have anything to do with the after effects of emotional trauma as a result of having an unwanted pregnant and terminating it ON MY OWN. Every decision, every move, every feeling, you will never know, or even BEGIN to understand. You will never see what I saw, and what I felt, and I hope you don't. Because it's fucking awful, but I don't care for you or that situation any longer.

Having said that, I've been sober since March, and I see so clearly now. I feel my worthiness now. I can admit my mistakes, attempt to resolve whatever I can, and move on knowing at least knowing that I tried. Like I did with you. It's not easy, as I have to work at it every single day, every minute, every second for that matter. But at 23, I get the chance to be the best version of myself possible. Yes, I have many more demons to face and overcome, but theres an emphasis on the word overcome. Life through my lens is much more manageable. reasonable, and overall fulfilling.

But before I go, think about the word reasonable for a second. Pratical, rational, fair, equal; they all represent the life I want to live. But I can't do that until I practice or fulfill each of those mentioned above. So here I am, writing you this. Hopefully, if you haven't burned, or thrown this out you'll see that I'm not trying to perpetuate any lingering emotion, especially anger or sadness. I guess you could say, in an extremely rare and different way, I am demonstrating that "sluts" or "bitches," whatever the kind terms of endearment you've labelled me, CAN change too.

Take this as you please, but for once in my life, I can confidently say I will never look back and think, or wonder what could have been because you have 0 capacity, let alone ability to meet my needs, and don't even get me started on standards. Again, that is not said with any negative connonation, but I need someone who loves deep like I do, and has a deep sense of morale and self-worth. Not someone who chooses to listen to opinion of other ignorant asses who engrained the idea in your head that I am a bad person, one of which doesn't deserve a sorry- a real one. Even if you STILL think what you did was right, or better for you, you live that resentment for the rest of your life, and I wish you the best of luck down the likely path to destruction. (sorry?)

I like to believe I know that the kind part of you is still deep within you, you're just going to have to find that out by yourself, but certainly not with me. No, no my acquaintance. Every sorry you've ever given me was bull crap. It's been one sided this whole time, you two faced son of a gun.

If there's anything I've learned through this journey, its that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Whatever I thought I needed from you, I've had it this whole time. I took the detour route, but I found my way. At least for a while, anyways.

Adios!

What Fuel's Your Fire?

I love to make people laugh, or at the very least, smile. I'm also a people pleaser, but I've accepted that it's both a cursing and a bless. The latter perception takes precedence in most cases; I mean, I've made it this far!

Be you. Don't let anyone make you feel less, or different. On the rare occasion I find myself thinking unkind thoughts such as, "I wish I was myself again," but I don't think I've ever been this aware of myself since as far as I can remember. (feels like forever) 

Anyways, 

Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner thoughts or something right? I'm bold, authentic, and I guess you could say a bit competitive. Nonetheless, it's what keeps the drive in me. And I mean that in it's best capacity. I'm determined to be the change, and SEE the change. For myself, and for you.

Steve Jobs

A while back I was listening to this song called L.I.F.E by Rous, I am not familiar at all with that artist/dj/music producer, but I gave it a shot anyway. It started off with a calming "beat" to it, then within 2 minutes of the song, a man began to speak. I remember this so clearly, as I was getting ready to go out and I was sad. I was down about life and school, and my blues caught up to me. Suddenly, this voice spoke and I was completely mesmerized. "When life hits in you the head with a break, don't lose faith."


Ironically, the male voice who was speaking these words was Steve Jobs. Moreover, it was the speech he had given to the graduating class of 2002 from Stanford University, which I have seen/heard before but evidently didn't listen, or didn't care to listen. Knowing me, it's probably the latter option.

ANYWAYS! This is a little excerpt from his speech/this tune I listened to, and since, I play it to this day about once a day. Why? Because I felt like he was talking to me. For so long I had this idea in my head that I would get involved with the wine industry, as I really thought it was such a unique industry, and lets face it- Rennie Estate makes some mean wine! But deep down I never felt that sense of 'fulfillment' that many people would talk about in regards to their job/life, and to be completely honest, rather than listening to what my heart was telling me, I listened to what my head was saying which was: do what makes the most sense/my dad happy.

I always loved talking to people about their issues no matter the circumstances. I can confidently say that I am a good listener, and advice giver especially in the area of mental health, but also relationships-whether familial or romantic. I can still hear the few of my friends who would tell me how good I am at talking to people, and that I should consider a profession in counselling. At the time, however, I felt like that was beyond impossible. Remember how I kinda hated myself? Ya, that wasn't working in my favour. I have always known what I've wanted to do, but it took some crappy circumstances, and a speech by Steve Jobs to engage my intuition.

As of today, I am officially apart of the Canadian Mental Health Association. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I have loads of school left, but this is an amazing start, and I could not be more excited to begin this journey!!!

Thank you, Jobs. Your words saved my life, even from the grave.

Love,
Colleen