I know many individuals think that's "woo woo," but I've been told by many people and literature to follow the signs of irony of coincidence, especially given this journey I am on as the spiritual aspect is really critical for my sobriety. It's a different experience, but everyone has their own "God" or higher power; their own idea of what he or she may look like and what kind of powers or influences they have on us.
Opening up to this was not all that unfamiliar, as Appleby College broke that in for me! I do know how to pray, it just has been a long time since I've exercised that part of my life. I remember I used to sit in chapel, often times with my head up while the rest prayed thinking "this is silly, I don't need this" just like any 13 year old. Mind you, I fell in love with being apart of the Chapel Choir, singing solos for my peers at christmas time, or for my grades "Chapel Week".
Which reminds me of a story I want to tell.
I have been preparing for a two talks I am giving this upcoming November regarding Education and Mental Health and when writing and thinking about talking I don't get "nervous," but I'm absolutely terrified, yes. The idea of speaking in front of people about all that I've gone through in a constructive manner has been a dream of mine for a couple years now, but as I'm gathering my thoughts I'm taking a nice trip down memory lane...
In grade 10 I was chosen to give a speech to my class with a fellow class mate, Fraser. Good ol' Frase! He was and still is one of the few close friends I sustained a relationship with, just in case you were wondering. Anywhoser, this opportunity was so big for me. I genuinely felt like it was my big break and I was going to be in a much music rap video like I always wanted (I know, so bizzare because I cannot dance like that, and not for any other reason-- like because I'm white and drive a gangster white ford escape with a dent in it)
So it was Wednesday Morning, I was getting ready and at this time my boyfriend was in grade 12 and I knew he was going to be there so of course I was pumped up! I remember a great portion of my quotes coming from the best tv series in the day, One Tree Hill. Specifically this one:
I remember saying this quote and then looking off to find my high school love in the pews, but I couldn't not see him! So I figured I'd wait till after, I was sure he was far in the back. Safe to say, my definition of "far at the back" was far too optimistic for this guy. He decided to sleep in at his house, though he lived on campus (mandatory in grade 12, you must "board"). In other words, he didn't care at all! That was not fine, but it is now haha!
I don't know why I was so hard pressed on his attendance but I have a strong feeling it was because for the first time in my life I felt really proud about being chosen to do something, publicly at that! I was not afraid of anything during these days--I would run all around my school 2 x faster than the other girls and I had no problem letting them know, but really I didn't have to because they could tell when I was already back stretching. I was always the youngest, yet I still got to go on a volleyball trip for seniors, playing and starting for the seniors.. but this is when my self esteem began to crumble.
It was the first time I had been really let down by someone who wasn't my family and I was not used to that feeling. It felt really bad! And after that I lost a lot of faith. Faith in me, faith in a higher power, faith in my ability, faith in my talents...not just because of him, but what I would put myself through to try and impress him amongst the others. It was like I was constantly trying to prove myself but I can't figure out for who because I lost myself in the process. My dad? My boyfriend?
I thought he was that "one," not the one to marry, but at least the one to unconditionally love me through one of the most volatile years, but it didn't work out that way. Unfortunately at this time, my family was going through a serious rough patch so I wasn't getting a ton of unconditional love at home either. And that's ok. It had to be directed elsewhere.
Though my doctors will be the first to say I never experienced unconditional love, my mom Dorothy Christine is still the only person who has come close or better yet, continues to now. I know my father looks at her from time to time like "what are you doing?! She's fine" But my goodness my Momma never questions intuition, which makes me know and believe that I can trust mine. We're in this journey together and I wouldn't have it any other way! Who needs friends when you have your mom?!? Not this girl! And Dorothy is her mother, my nana, Dorothy Grace Nee Whiting Smith.
So , when I see the rare name Dorothy pop up, or I'm in a new space and I meet a Dorothy, that's my higher power/gut telling me i'm in the right place..One day at a time. Sunday morning I met a James and a Dorothy. Those are both my grandparents names!
I guess what I'm saying is...
Love comes in all shapes, forms, and sizes. It is not always going to be the kind of love we want or perceive, but even if its tough love- soak it in. One day you will find yourself looking back and reminiscing on past loved ones, family turmoil and realize it wasn't all that bad. You'll be able to look back and say, none of that matters because Dorothy's here! The past is for reference and it will most definitely help me pass my future courses!
Which leads me to my final point... When life gets hard and you literally "do not know what to do" do not push people away, accept their love and be open to giving it back.
Shakespeare: 'Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds. When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same.'
I would like to dedicate this post to my loving mother, Dorothy Christine Rennie. You'e my daily inspiration and it is because of you I am who I am today, both good and not so great. (Dad got that right- but we're the bosses right?!)
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