Can't believe I have this view sometimes it's majestical!

I'm loving photography lately! It's so fun! It feels so ...particular. The good and fun kind of choices! (My career isn't on the line) 

Langdon Weekends

Neil Pasricha Does it Again!

Neil Pasricha never imagined that writing about the smell of gasoline, thinking it’s Thursday when it’s really Friday, or wearing underwear just out of the dryer would amount to anything. A self-described “average guy” with a typical 9-to-5 job in the suburbs, Neil started his blog 1000 Awesome Things, as a small reminder — in a world of rising sea levels, global conflict, and a troubled economy — of the free, easy little joys that make life sweet. He certainly didn’t anticipate that his site would gain a readership of millions of people, win two Webby Awards (“the Internet’s highest honor” according to The New York Times), be named one of PC Magazine’s Top 100 Sites, or become a place where people from around the world would come to celebrate the simple pleasures of daily life.

I cannot begin to emphasize how THERAPEUTIC this book was for me, but also the sense of gratitude I regained for the simple pleasures in life! Over a break up! Thank you ex girlfriend!

NOW! HE DOES IT AGAIN! BUT THIS TIME FOR AN EVEN BETTER AUDIENCE: KIDS! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLQB1lzUW4A

Random Story/ Blog post TIme!

If I had a nickel for every coincidental time I found myself in a room with the name Dorothy somewhere, whether it be the only other female in a meeting I attend, or the name pops up in my College slides, in a weird way it validates my journey. It's like a love note coming from the universe haha!

I know many individuals think that's "woo woo," but I've been told by many people and literature to follow the signs of irony of coincidence, especially given this journey I am on as the spiritual aspect is really critical for my sobriety. It's a different experience, but everyone has their own "God" or higher power; their own idea of what he or she may look like and what kind of powers or influences they have on us.

Opening up to this was not all that unfamiliar, as Appleby College broke that in for me! I do know how to pray, it just has been a long time since I've exercised that part of my life. I remember I used to sit in chapel, often times with my head up while the rest prayed thinking "this is silly, I don't need this" just like any 13 year old. Mind you, I fell in love with being apart of the Chapel Choir, singing solos for my peers at christmas time, or for my grades "Chapel Week".

Which reminds me of a story I want to tell.

I have been preparing for a two talks I am giving this upcoming November regarding Education and Mental Health and when writing and thinking about talking I don't get "nervous," but I'm absolutely terrified, yes. The idea of speaking in front of people about all that I've gone through in a constructive manner has been a dream of mine for a couple years now, but as I'm gathering my thoughts I'm taking a nice trip down memory lane...

In grade 10 I was chosen to give a speech to my class with a fellow class mate, Fraser. Good ol' Frase! He was and still is one of the few close friends I sustained a relationship with, just in case you were wondering. Anywhoser, this opportunity was so big for me. I genuinely felt like it was my big break and I was going to be in a much music rap video like I always wanted (I know, so bizzare because I cannot dance like that, and not for any other reason-- like because I'm white and drive a gangster white ford escape with a dent in it)

So it was Wednesday Morning, I was getting ready and at this time my boyfriend was in grade 12 and I knew he was going to be there so of course I was pumped up! I remember a great portion of my quotes coming from the best tv series in the day, One Tree Hill. Specifically this one:

I remember saying this quote and then looking off to find my high school love in the pews, but I couldn't not see him! So I figured I'd wait till after, I was sure he was far in the back. Safe to say, my definition of "far at the back" was far too optimistic for this guy. He decided to sleep in at his house, though he lived on campus (mandatory in grade 12, you must "board"). In other words, he didn't care at all! That was not fine, but it is now haha! 

I don't know why I was so hard pressed on his attendance but I have a strong feeling it was because for the first time in my life I felt really proud about being chosen to do something, publicly at that! I was not afraid of anything during these days--I would run all around my school 2 x faster than the other girls and I had no problem letting them know, but really I didn't have to because they could tell when I was already back stretching. I was always the youngest, yet I still got to go on a volleyball trip for seniors, playing and starting for the seniors.. but this is when my self esteem began to crumble. 

It was the first time I had been really let down by someone who wasn't my family and I was not used to that feeling. It felt really bad! And after that I lost a lot of faith. Faith in me, faith in a higher power, faith in my ability, faith in my talents...not just because of him, but what I would put myself through to try and impress him amongst the others. It was like I was constantly trying to prove myself but I can't figure out for who because I lost myself in the process. My dad? My boyfriend? 

I thought he was that "one," not the one to marry, but at least the one to unconditionally love me through one of the most volatile years, but it didn't work out that way. Unfortunately at this time, my family was going through a serious rough patch so I wasn't getting a ton of unconditional love at home either. And that's ok. It had to be directed elsewhere.

Though my doctors will be the first to say I never experienced unconditional love, my mom Dorothy Christine is still the only person who has come close or better yet, continues to now.  I know my father looks at her from time to time like "what are you doing?! She's fine" But my goodness my Momma never questions intuition, which makes me know and believe that I can trust mine. We're in this journey together and I wouldn't have it any other way! Who needs friends when you have your mom?!? Not this girl! And Dorothy is her mother, my nana, Dorothy Grace Nee Whiting Smith. 

So , when I see the rare name Dorothy pop up, or I'm in a new space and I meet a Dorothy, that's my higher power/gut telling me i'm in the right place..One day at a time. Sunday morning I met a James and a Dorothy. Those are both my grandparents names! 

I guess what I'm saying is...

Love comes in all shapes, forms, and sizes. It is not always going to be the kind of love we want or perceive, but even if its tough love- soak it in. One day you will find yourself looking back and reminiscing on past loved ones, family turmoil and realize it wasn't all that bad. You'll be able to look back and say, none of that matters because Dorothy's here! The past is for reference and it will most definitely help me pass my future courses!

Which leads me to my final point... When life gets hard and you literally "do not know what to do" do not push people away, accept their love and be open to giving it back. 

 Shakespeare: 'Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds. When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same.'

I would like to dedicate this post to my loving mother, Dorothy Christine Rennie. You'e my daily inspiration and it is because of you I am who I am today, both good and not so great. (Dad got that right- but we're the bosses right?!)

Assertive Confrontation

So, while I've been preparing for my talk, going to class, and coming home I've noticed a change in attitude if you will. In other words, I've noticed my confrontation is less assertive than I'd like it to be. 

If you hope to live with integrity and be a leader, confrontation is going to feature in your life on a regular basis.

There are billions of other people in the world, each with their own perspectives and beliefs. It is statistically impossible to please them all. This means that if you express yourself honestly and passionately, you will definitely meet confrontation eventually.

This scares people away from honesty and emotional expression. I used to moderate myself all the time, to maintain peace and order in my world. I would hide how I felt and be hypersensitive to others to avoid conflict. And in doing so I felt less-than.

Do you ever feel this way? It’s that feeling that you’ve let yourself down, hidden an important part of yourself just to please others. It’s simply an awful feeling.

And of course the worst part is that in the long-term you don’t actually benefit. This so-called survival strategy means you miss out on life, so essentially you aren’t even living fully. You know those days when you nod and smile, and then go home and lie awake fuming over those things you wish you’d said? Frustrating, isn’t it?

After many years of working on myself and with others, I’ve slowly learned to overcome my not so great approach and method of confrontation.

And slowly, over time, I learned to use exercises, templates and courage to become more assertive. This built my confidence which in turn built my assertiveness. By stepping out of my comfort zone a little more each day, I finally got to the point where I was ready to face any challenger.

How can you learn this (without having to work with psychologists, therapists, or face to face with an angry individual)?

I have a few little strategies I use to be assertive, without allowing the conversation to escalate into unpleasantness. You don’t need to yell, bully or intimidate to state your case, in fact this will work against you in the long run.

1) REFLECT AND EMPATHIZE

A standard Motivational Interviewing Technique is basic reflection. This means that you in some way reflect back to the person whom you’re speaking with what they have said to you. This may seem strange at first, particularly if you make the mistake of just parroting back exactly what they’ve said. But if you do it right, the other person will feel like you have heard them. This goes a long way towards them reciprocating.

I recommend you let them say what they have to say in its entirety. You will learn over time when to cut them off or interrupt, but generally try to avoid this. If someone is repeating the same points over and over, it’s usually because they feel like you aren’t hearing them properly (or they’re crazy). This turns different points of view into an irrational confrontation, where no-one really wins.

When they have made their point, try to see their perspective and reflect back to them the points you think they are trying to make. You don’t have to agree, just acknowledge. I usually pre-empt this with something like “What I’m hearing is …” or “It sounds like…”

Try to acknowledge the feeling they are having, rather than the words. Are they frustrated, confused, or unappreciated? Knowing that you understand their feelings will go a long way towards de-escalating them and winning them over.

This is also a killer tip for guys trying to understand how girls communicate when the discussion gets heated: look beyond the words to what emotional state they are trying to express. She doesn’t really care that you haven’t done the dishes, it’s more likely that she feels you are not giving her enough quality time (I recommend David Deida’s “The Way Of The Superior Man” for more on this).

2) DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING A PERSPECTIVE… EVER!

Being apologetic will scream out through your body language like a neon sign. In a confrontation, this will trigger the other person into attack mode, like running away from a tiger. Being apologetic when you are trying to be assertive will only undermine your efforts, and will usually make your opponent despise your weakness.

On the other hand, when a salient point is made that shows you have made a mistake, you should acknowledge it. There is a difference between being apologetic and admitting you’re wrong. Recognising and admitting a mistake can be done assertively, where you don’t say ‘sorry’ or act apologetically, you simply acknowledge that the point is fair. This will give the other person the perception that you are reasonable and trying to find the truth.

While acknowledging, try your very hardest not to defend yourself. Defensiveness is apologetic. Think about this: would a confident person, who knows that they are a good person, apologise for being themselves? Of course not. And in a confrontation, you shouldn’t either. Nobody wins, as the other person will simply dive on that apology and ream it for all its worth. This distracts from the main point of the conversation.

For example, here’s how to acknowledge without apology:

A: “But what about the time you forgot my birthday?”

B: “Yes, I should have remembered that, it must have been hurtful for you.”

A: “Yeah it was, you can be so forgetful.”

B: “I agree, and we should talk about that after. For now, I would like to stay focused on what we were talking about, which was…”

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Did you know you can learn how to assert yourself without aggression or defensiveness, so that you create a life without limitations? Click here to find out how you can work with Dan!

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3) LET GO OF THE DESIRED OUTCOME

The reason most people get upset or angry during a conflict is because they are predicting that their desired outcome is not going to be achieved. Everybody has an agenda in every conversation – we are all trying to achieve something every time we open our mouths.

We start to become agitated when our best efforts to achieve our outcome start to fail. We become confrontational when we believe the person we are talking to is responsible.

Turn this around. When you are in a confrontation with someone, stop trying to win. Let go of whatever it was you were hoping to achieve. Instead, try to discover what their agenda is – why are they upset? What outcome are they worried is not going to be achieved?

You may be wondering how you figure this out. Well, I probably shouldn’t, but I’m going to reveal a super-secret, ancient, herbal, Shaolin monk forbidden strategy…

You ask them.

“It seems like this conversation isn’t going the way you’d hoped. What are you wanting to achieve at the end of this?”

4) AVOID EXTERNALIZING BLAME

People become defensive and confrontational when they perceive they are being attacked. Team meetings in an office environment are a great stage to witness this. You will hear somebody infer that some poor work is the result of the actions of someone at the table. That someone suddenly perks up, their defences kick in and they listen intently. As the accusations start to become more overt the person builds up and finally explodes into attack (or just sulks and fumes, looking forward to a lunch-break back-stabbing session later on).

“Rolling with resistance” is a motivational interviewing technique based on a simple principle: give them nothing to fight against. It’s heavily related to the first point about reflecting and empathising, but for this point I want to specifically mention external blame.

However you choose to get your points across, always aim to do so in a way where they are completely focused on you, not anyone else. You will likely have heard before that you should use “I feel…” statements. This is often often recommended because it really does work.

Take everything you want to say and re-write it in your head into a statement that’s about you rather than them. Feel free to pause during the conversation to do this – they’ll wait (because they will be wondering why you’ve gone blank).

Some examples:

“You made me feel used” becomes “I’m feeling used”.

“You’re just lazy” becomes “I feel like I am doing too much of the work”.

Or, you can really win them over by turning accusations into ‘naïve-enquirer’ questions:

“You should have completed that by the deadline” becomes “What could we do to make it easier and support you to meet deadlines?”

5) SELL, SELL, SELL

Most people lose arguments by going in with a “What’s in it for me?” attitude. The other person brings the same attitude and the confrontation is ignited. But the best salespeople will tell you that to close a client the real secret is understanding “What do they want?”

Once you figure that out you can sell them on your idea. Even ideas which oppose their beliefs can be sold, with full integrity, as a benefit. Most people can figure this out by simply asking the other person what it is they want.

What pain are they trying to remove or avoid?

When you’ve figured out the answer to that question, you simply ask yourself: How can I remove their pain and achieve my outcome as well? Most of the time there is a solution, and if you play this right they will end up feeling like your perspective is actually theirs.

Letting your opponent “win” can actually end up with greater benefits for you. This is not about backing down or even compromising, but allowing your point to adapt to their needs, so that you both benefit. If the conversation ends with them saying something like “That’s what I’ve been saying” and they’re talking about your point instead of theirs, this is the ideal outcome for both of you.

They feel understood, you’ve gotten your point across (sold it), and BOOM… you both walk away as winners.

CONCLUSION

In general, the second-most influential people are the ones who make you feel they are amazing, But the first-most influential people are the ones who make you feel like you’re amazing. Be one of these ones and confrontations will never be a problem for you ever again. Even your worst enemies will grudgingly respect you and be open to your influence.

After you’ve mastered this, the world is yours for the taking.

Please spare me when you become ruler of the Universe.

World Suicide Prevention Day

#IHaveThisThingWithFloors

I'm loving trying new things on social media such as the hash tag 👆🏼 

Follow me! @Lifeofdorothy 

Mental Health Advocate.

Fashion fun cause I want to.

Random cute pictures of scenerie.

I spend lots of time with dogs, especially the four of of my own ❤️! 

I like to express real feelings and thoughts, yet am often sarcastic in my humour. So try not to be too serious ! 

Love, 

Dorothy 

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