"No, You're Not Perfect But You're Not Your Mistakes"

"How different it is, for many of us, to look forward today with secure anticipation, to trust in what the future holds!" 

Everybody deals with pain and loss differently. Some choose to simply ignore, ignore, ignore, where others, including myself, choose to confront, confront, confront. In other words, I choose to tackle my issues when I can, however I can, in the hopes that whatever it is that I am feeling will eventually dissipate.  It sounds a lot easier said than done, and it has taken a great deal of time to even remotely understand how best to deal with certain adverse situations. 

However, I have never been good when dealing with goodbyes. No matter how large or how small, I always manage to be crying.

Two years ago this time I was sitting in a hospital, surrounded by young girls who were in the same situation as myself, but had their male counterpart involved (distance). If you have been reading my blog, I am sure you are familiar with that. I talk about it often, as it clouds my brain from time to time when feeling like I don't know who to turn to, but I have myself.  I do still get emotional about the whole process, mainly how quickly it all happened and went-- and then how I was left thinking, which was simply "you don't have to worry anymore," and I was and still am right. I don't have to worry anymore. I choose to worry more than I have to, but I'm well aware of that. 

 Unfortunately, I often think that "people" perceive me as "crazy" or "dramatic" for holding on to something like having an abortion and the associated feelings for this long, but as I said in the beginning, everybody deals with pain and loss differently. And to be perfectly honest, I am making conscious efforts to no longer let other opinions get to me, because we all have them. To this day I see babies and get emotional, but I also know that I just think they're absolutely adorable!  I am a sensitive individual and that is not an event you can ever try to possibly plan ahead for. You can most certainly have every conversation/thought/dream about it, but it is nothing like when it really happens. When you're really sitting there talking about your families wine business, holding your best friends hand who you've argued with that if it ever happened you would "keep it," yet clearly I did not feel fit enough to become a responsible parent at the age of 21-- it's pretty surreal! But it happened. It has made me and whether i like it or not it has made me into the woman I am today. 

I will admit that if there was ever a time to believe in guardian angels, I do now more than ever. Everything happens for a reason and I truly did not think I would be able to move on from that experience the way I have. I definitely stumbled and went down roads I could have never imagined, but boy am I effin' glad I did! 

My life is now consumed by taking more risks than required, stepping out of my comfort zone, tackling mental health for today's youth, and laughing as much as possible with as much enthusiasm as I can possibly muster up! I've come to learn that everyone in my life right now is in it for a reason, as I have the best support system a girl like myself could possibly ask for. Between my amazing family and awesome friends (you know who you are) Thank you. Thank you for ensuring I have not been alone throughout the past couple of years. I am and will be forever grateful. 

(Lauren Cooper, if you're reading this then you should know that your support on that day will never be forgotten for the rest of my life; driving me at 6 am, holding my hand the whole time, including through the process, you are my hero.) 

"We can still remember, all too vividly perhaps, the darker periods in our lives, periods that seemed to hold no promise; a time when we dreaded the future, fearing it would only compound those awful times." While the fear and the dread are not completely gone, but they no longer darken my days, or hold me prisoner. (Go me go!) 

(While writing this, somewhere over the rainbow played. I have not heard that song in years. Dorothy!)

Love, Dorothy Colleen 

March Blues

A lot has happened in the month of March in the years passing, but as I continue to grow the pain experienced lessens. Except, however, for one day in particular- March 26th.  

March 6th I found out I was pregnant. March 7th I made my way to planned parent hood, spoke about my options, and chose the abortion. I was called that night and told my appointment had been booked for March 26 at 9 am in the morning and to be there 2 hours prior. 

I struggle with that day quite often though I feel so much happier with where I am in my life. Not drinking has undoubtedly cleared the persistence of guilt I had concerning my decision, but it never leaves you. Especially when it still feels like it "didn't" happen. I know it happened. I'm all too aware as to every minute of that morning, but it all happened so quickly. And while I'm venting, you know what I find frustrating? No one speaks about it!! Sure it's not the most pleasant of conversations but that's life. Every day we are faced with adverse situations that are far from pleasant, but an abortion? "That's messed up" -I overheard someone once say. That's not fair. I didn't ask for this, sir. But it has made me into the strong person I am today. 

Yet, I recently came across an article where a young woman who also felt as though no one speaks up about the actual experience itself, and so she shared her story. Not the before or the after, but during. It undoubtedly brought some peace of mind, and I wish I could shake her hand thanking her for stepping out of the box and speaking about such a personal, yet real, struggling time in her life. Thank you, author. 

But here I am today! 2 years later and I'm doing well, better than I would have assumed 2 years ago. I no longer feel the shame or the guilt, but from time to time I still feel some despair and to be honest, I don't think that ever goes away. 

A more serious thought from Dorothy..

Happy Tuesday, fellow readers!