"What's your why?"
Probably the most important question when facing any life decision or choice, but when it comes to donuts and my closet I have no good answers.
However, I do have one for why I have stepped into this unfamiliar world of pageantry, a stage, an organization where emotionally and intellectually intellegent women are everywhere you look. Same with Miss Universe Canada last year, they're all so freakin' smart, funny and KIND! I thought it would be a harsh setting, but I LOVE MY MUC girls and you all know who you are, we all stood on stage together and competed with love, passion and purpose.
It wasn't until the other night after I heard one of my modern day, still alive influencers spoke about one of Canada's best organizations SickNotWeak and "Why" he started it and why he continues to speak out and share: and my ear/stomach/heart/body/existence came to a halt and I got it; I TAKE MY MENTAL HEALTH FOR GRANTED IN THAT "my sickness, my poison is someone else's medicine."
I have a voice that can influence, change and maybe even save lives because the stigma towards mental health and mental illness still exists. It exists in the ways we treat and talk to our loved ones who are sick, "maybe you could just suck it up for 2 hours," "count your blessings, everyone has bad days, you'll be fine." "We all get anxiety."
Fair. I appreciate those statements but until you reach the darkness and understand that feeling of "wow I do not know how much more of this I can take, no one understands me. They won't even listen to me when I'm telling them I don't understand. But I feel a constant wave of sadness, I'm constantly tired and my body hurts."
We're not making this up. In university it killed me to have to tell me professors about my mental illness because the loops and holes I had to go through to get a 1 day extension was almost never worth it. So I waited till the last day till I was finally in stitches about it; during this time I tried taking my life twice. I can identify with those students from the university of Guelph. The SIX THAT HAVE TAKEN THEIR LIFE THIS YEAR.
3 of them, their families and friends didn't even know. That could be any family in Canada right now and yet half of us still have this invisible wall of ignorance in that because it's not a physical illness like Cancer or MS it's seemingly "less than," it doesn't receive half the merit it deserves because these are people's BRAINS, THEIR MINDS. They have FEAR in them. And that stops them from seeking help because some family tradition believes you're a "tough man," BULL DIGGITY! Men haven't been given the chance to feel their emotions and I think a man who can be vulnerable is incredibly sexier and wiser than the boy who thinks he can just rise above.
I'm not ashamed. I'm not disgraced by the mountains, hills and valleys I've climbed to turn my demons into my friends and understand my feelings. The word "Grace" has become one of my 4 words to live by and if you look up stigma one of the associated words is DISGRACE; should anyone feel a neurological condition is disgraceful please message me and I'll gladly explain the differences.
I'm a mental health advocate. I stand up for those who believe they're not worth it because I've been there and now I'm back here with purpose. Guess what? We ALL have it. So yes, my purpose, my why, is to demonstrate that yes mental health exists. I like SO MANY, LIKE BASICALLY EVERYONE THESE DAYS, battle and fight like a warrior to keep myself alive and it's not as easy as taking a pill and calling it a day.
So long as stigma is alive, the barrier continues. The hopelessness continues...
It took me 42 minutes to write this and a Facebook post because this morning I woke up with purpose and I'm just walking on my treadmill writing this out and I am on fire in my soul, the best kind ❤💕❤💕🎉❤❤🎉
